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Episode 1

     
Applejack: Hey, Twilight, I just wanted to thank y'all for helpin' me pick them apples, I tell ya what. Hoo-wee!
Twilight Sparkle: No problem, Applejack. I'm surprised you didn't ask me sooner, you being a filthy Earth pony and all. A unicorn would be a great deal more efficient at your job.
Spike: Oh, hey, catch.
Twilight Sparkle: Hey, if you don't mind me asking, can Earth ponies even read?
Spike: What?! [belch]
[magical pop]
Twilight Sparkle: Oh. Uh-oh. What does Celestia want from me this time?
Spike: [ahem] "Dear Twilight, I hope you're having a wonderful time down there in Ponyville and not up here in the magical city of Canterlot. Just to give you a little taste of your former life of luxury, here's two tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala. Enjoy."
Twilight Sparkle: Two tickets?! I'll get out of this rat-hole prison for a whole day!
Spike: I don't know, Twilight. You know how Celestia can be. You know this is more than likely some kind of spaz setup.
Twilight Sparkle: Please, Spike, don't crush my dreams.
[crash]
Rainbow Dash: Oh, my God! You got tickets to Canterlot?! Take me!
Applejack: Oh, cool them thighs, sugarpie. I was just about to ask the same thing. Besides, why do you even wanna go?
Rainbow Dash: Well, I need to be emotionally validated by my childhood idols. I've dreamt all my life of crashing one of their performances and making an ass of myself for attention. I thrive on attention!
Applejack: No way! I was gonna scalp my ticket to some poor halfwit and use the money to fix up my farm! My Granny needs a hip replacement! And darn it, I will arm-wrestle!
Applejack and Rainbow Dash: [grunting]
Twilight Sparkle: Girls! The second ticket is obviously for a date, and I am not gonna take one of you morons.
Applejack: Well, hang on. Y'all can't even get a date.
Rainbow Dash: Yeah! And that means that you can take one of us!
Applejack: And that means that you can take me!
Rainbow Dash: Please notice me!
Twilight Sparkle: I'm sure that I could just lower my standards and date a Pegasus or something. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some royal protégé courting to do.
Spike: I thought you hated the idea of dating, Twilight.
Twilight Sparkle: That was back when dating was a detriment to real study, Spike. These days I'm studying friendship. Of all—
[crash]
Pinkie Pie: I've got the music in me! [squealing] Stop! Sweet crimson hot dogs! Lucky-lucky! These are for me! They will complete the prophecies! Yes, please!
Twilight Sparkle: Uh...
Rarity: Spike! I will give you three blowjobs for those!
Twilight Sparkle: Wha...
Pinkie Pie: You see? They're already bringing the pieces together. Soon the day of reckoning will be upon us.
Rarity: These are tickets to Canterlot! Oh, as a unicorn, I've always lamented my low birth here in Ponyville. You know, I'd really give anything to strut my stuff in front of some worthwhile ponies.
Pinkie Pie: Yes.
Fluttershy: Oh, it looks like you have tickets to Canterlot. And I suppose – oh, this must sound silly – that you're probably looking for a date.
Rarity: Why? Do you have someone in mind for Twilight to go out with?
Fluttershy: Uh... no. I mean, me. Just as friends though.
Twilight Sparkle: [to Rainbow Dash] Are you stalking me?
Rainbow Dash: Well, yes! But that isn't fair! You know how much attention I need! Why don't you take me as a date? Fluttershy probably won't even put out!
Applejack: Hey now, I'm just as good a friend as any.
Twilight Sparkle: What are you talking about? Where'd you come from?
Applejack: You know y'all can't trust this one. She'll probably drop roofies in your drink when y'all's lookin' the other way. I know a guy what told me so.
Rainbow Dash: It was just that one time!
Main cast bar Twilight: [arguing]
Twilight Sparkle: Stop!
Pinkie Pie: ...weight in cheese and vomited up the cast of Battlestar Galactica.
[beat]
Pinkie Pie: Shrimps.
Twilight Sparkle: Alright, listen up, everypony.
Rarity: But Twilight—
Twilight Sparkle: Ah! No! Listen carefully. Everyone, shut up!
Main cast bar Twilight: [grumbling]
Twilight Sparkle: I don't know, Spike. I'm beginning to think that this is one of Celestia's little spaz errands after all. All she ever does is shovel crap into my life. Vengeance! Oh. Hey! Maybe I can mail a spider to Celestia.
Spike: I love your plan. [to Savoir Fare] Oh, right. Just a sandwich for the lady. Thank you.
Twilight Sparkle: You like my plan?
Spike: Look, the thing is, the only reason you keep getting dumped on by Celestia is because you respond so hilariously to it.
Twilight Sparkle: So what exactly are you saying? Everything is my fault?
Spike: Well, let me think. Uh, yeah.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, up yours, Spike! And screw you. You know, forget you. I'm sure there's some way I can ruin Celestia's life.
Rainbow Dash: Hey, Twi! I'm up here in the clouds! Man!
[rain falling]
Rainbow Dash: Hey, give me those tickets.
Twilight Sparkle: [sarcastically] Yeah, sure. Or else what? Are you gonna rain on me? I will do things to you, Dash. Unspeakable things. I have a medical background. I know what makes you tick.
Rainbow Dash: Fine. Jesus.
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, yes.
Rarity: Twilight, what are you doing?
Twilight Sparkle: So... angry...
Rarity: Come on.
Rarity: That was no way for the master race to be seen. Come, let's pamper you. [squealing]
[construction SFX]
Rarity: Oh, let's shave your legs!
Twilight Sparkle: What?! No! That's insane!
Rarity: Oh, wait just a moment. Spike, hello! Why don't you grab me those tickets before I grab the calipers?
Spike: Uhhh...
[construction SFX]
Spike: [speaking under] Get off of me, you crazy bitch!
Twilight Sparkle: Rarity, if you're just gonna play with Spike, then I think I'm just gonna go ahead and leave.
Applejack: Hey, stop! I got pies and stuff! This here's a pie. That's a pie. A pie. Yeah, I even got pies on my head. So, Twilight, you want any pies?
Twilight Sparkle: Never again! [wailing]
Applejack: What's the matter with pies?
Twilight Sparkle: "What's the matter with pies?" What's she thinking?! Oh, God! [grumbling]
Fluttershy: [singing] In the afterlife, you could be headed for the serious strife...
Twilight Sparkle: [sigh] Fluttershy, what are these animals here for?
Fluttershy: Well, I thought if I showed you how good I was with animals, then you would remember that I wasn't crazy and that I wouldn't put roofies in your drink like Rainbow Dash.
Twilight Sparkle: I don't know about that.
Fluttershy: Oh. Well, maybe just one or two roofies.
Twilight Sparkle: Get out of my house.
Fluttershy: Oh. No, you'll have to talk to Angel about that. He's in charge. Right? Right, Angel?
Twilight Sparkle: Look, just make sure that you clean up after all the bird droppings. Those animals are disgusting and stupid. So you should just get out of here—
Pinkie Pie: Commence the invasion when I complete the equation!
[party horns blowing]
Pinkie Pie: Okay, now! Okay, now throw her in the air.
Twilight Sparkle: H-Hey now!
Pinkie Pie: Once again!
Twilight Sparkle: Don't drop me! Goddamn it!
Pinkie Pie: [laughing] I have betrayed you to all the others!
Twilight Sparkle: [groans]
Pinkie Pie: [laughing] Painful?
Twilight Sparkle: The hell's the matter with you?! What do you even think you're trying to do?!
Drizzle: Hey, I thought you said she had tickets to Canterlot.
Pinkie Pie: She has them.
Ponies: ["Meep, meep, meep", etc.]
Daisy: Pick me. I found flowers.
Shoeshine: You found flowers? I found these carrots!
Ponies: ["Meep, meep, meep", etc.]
Spike: Oh, Jesus.
Twilight Sparkle: Spike. Let's boogie.
Ponies: ["Meep, meep, meep", etc.]
Spike: I wish you wouldn't distort the laws of time and space.
Twilight Sparkle: Shut up! They're my powers to abuse! Now lock everything!
[doors shutting]
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, my God, it's you schmucks again! Why won't you go and just leave me alone for ten minutes so I can think of some diabolical spell to cast and make everyone in this town disappear? I mean, you guys are such dicks!
Applejack: Aw, listen, Twi. Y'all don't have to kill everyone in fire.
Pinkie Pie: I say we call her bluff. She does not have the nerve.
Applejack: Twilight, sometimes, even though you want to kill everyone, you have to know that killin' just ain't the answer. It's one of them pure and simple things in life.
Fluttershy: It's true, Twilight. It's true. I've made that same mistake too many times.
Pinkie Pie: Mistake?
Rarity: We've all murdered someone once or twice without thinking.
Rainbow Dash: What about those tickets? Yes. [laughing] Oh, man. I still want those.
Twilight Sparkle: [thinking] I have to get back at Celestia somehow. Oh. Here's an idea. [out loud] Spike, take a letter. "Dear Princess Celestia, today my friends taught me the most interesting thing about oogenesis. So as you can imagine, it's going to be an extremely long and boring mail. However, this letter's gonna be full of important information that you need to read. So you better not skip any of it. By the way, here's your stupid tickets back." Okay, send it!
Applejack: Uh, Twi, don't you think that she might gouge out your eyes?
Twilight Sparkle: Screw consequences. Whatever she does can't be worse than those two tickets.
Applejack: I dunno. It just seems plumb reckless of ya to not assume she's gonna do somethin' nas—
Spike: [belch]
[magical pop]
Spike: "Dear Twilight, I'm going to gouge out your eyes. Also, here's six more tickets."
Twilight Sparkle: Shit!


Episode 2

     
Applejack: I tell you what, I cannot believe what a great deal I got on all that apple liquor. Well, you know, I probably would share some of it with ya, but y'all know that you just got kidney surgery, chump. Oops.
Big McIntosh: Applejack, you know how you get when you've had too much to drink.
Applejack: Well, I'm an adult, and I can put forks in the toaster in the bathtub!
Big McIntosh: Eeyup.
Applejack: I do what I want!
Big McIntosh: Okay, I'm not stoppin' ya. I'm just sayin' is all.
Applejack: Shut up! I will drink all that liquor!
Twilight Sparkle: Okay. So today, you will all... Arggghhh!
Mayor Mare: Ahem. Helloooo. Today we're going to be giving out awards. This one goes to Biggest Trophy Owner. Whoever gets it gets it! And guess what? It looks like this one goes to Applejack.
Applejack: [slurring] Hang on. I'm a-comin'.
[ponies grumbling]
Applejack: [slurring] Thousand miles an hour. Hey, Mayor. Howdy. Space monkeys sure is got that bass drum. Yeah. Hey, thanks, all, for this thing here. Why, it sure makes my face big. Hoo-ooo.
Pinkie Pie: You are totally drunk. Yes.
Applejack: Ooo-ooo.
Twilight Sparkle: Oooookay. Well, I think it's time for you to get off the stage.
Pinkie Pie: I say let her stay!
Twilight Sparkle: No.
Applejack: Alright then.
[trophy scraping across floor]
Applejack: I can't feel my nose. Whoa! Aren't y'all worried about teleportin' inside somepony? Guess not.
Twilight Sparkle: No.
Applejack: [slurring] Okay, so what can I do for ya for?
Twilight Sparkle: Applejack, are you holding out booze?
Applejack: Kind of, but no scotch or whiskey for you or anything. [grunts] Missed. Aah!
Twilight Sparkle: Okay, give it up.
Applejack: What? No way, no how!
Twilight Sparkle: Why the hell not? I thought we were friends.
Applejack: Well, I swore I'd drink all that liquor!
Twilight Sparkle: Uh... what?
Applejack: Yup. And now y'all's tryin' to make a liar out of me. The nerve of you, Twilight!
Mrs. Cake: I dunno. Are you sure that we can trust you and your drunk friend here alone in the shop?
Pinkie Pie: Yes, I am trustworthy! You can leave me alone in the shop, for I will do nothing wrong! It is absolutely unlikely that we would make all the cupcakes poison. Yes.
Mr. Cake: Sounds like an endorsement.
Mrs. Cake: Okay. Just try not to burn the place down while we're out.
Pinkie Pie: "Okay. Just try not to burn—" Come! We must make the cupcakes!
Pinkie Pie: Okay, the first thing that we need are some crappy, generic potato chips.
Applejack: Huh? Potato chips?
Pinkie Pie: [in slow, deep voice] Yes. [laughing]
Applejack: Whoa. Alright. So let's see what we got. Crappy potato chips. You're the boss.
Pinkie Pie: I am the boss! [laughing] [in slow, deep voice] Now the poisons!
Applejack: Y— What? Well, that must be cookin' slang for somethin'. This here that says rat poison?
Pinkie Pie: I keep it in the fridge so the rats do not catch on. Now lemons.
Applejack: You're kiddin'. Y'all must mean lemon's juice.
Pinkie Pie: No, you are ruining my recipe! Still, I like where you're going.
Applejack: I'm a mite sick. [belch]
Pinkie Pie: [in slow, deep voice] Throw up in the bowl! [laughing normally]
[beat]
Applejack: R-Really?
Pinkie Pie: Now go and get some filthy worms to feed to the filthy worms!
[beat]
Applejack: Ohhh! Y'all are makin' some kind of organic dish.
Pinkie Pie: You're organic. Yes! Put them in the bowl! And then we add just a few more things, and we kill all the worms with cooking.
Pinkie Pie: I have ruined the baking trays!
Ponies: ["Meep, meep, meep", etc.]
Applejack: Hey. It's organic, y'all. So it's probably good for ya.
Twilight Sparkle: So what exactly happened to everyone?
Nurse Redheart: Oh, it appears that they've all been poisoned somehow. Also, they're all bleeding out internally.
Ponies: [Sickly "meep, meep, meep", etc.]
Twilight Sparkle: Wait. Was Pinkie involved?
Pinkie Pie: Oh, my God. I cooked that worm. He's a Highlander. I ate the poisons to avoid suspicion. [throwing up]
Spike: Well, they're alright.
Applejack: [grunts]
Twilight Sparkle: So, hey. How's it hanging?
Applejack: Huh! Oh. Hey, what are you doin'?
Twilight Sparkle: Applejack, you have to admit that you've reached rock bottom.
Applejack: No, I don't. [grunts]
Twilight Sparkle: Look, when you're helping Pinkie Pie kill the whole town with cupcakes, that's rock bottom.
Applejack: Shut up, Twilight! Shut up.
Twilight Sparkle: Applejack, give me your booze.
Applejack: Shut up! All it ever is is "dirty Earth pony" this, "filthy Earth pony" that. Well, I'm keepin' my booze, and I can do whatever I want with it!
Fluttershy: So how's your day been?
Applejack: I friggin' hate Twilight.
Fluttershy: Well, see, we all hate Twilight sometimes. She ignores me an awful lot. You want to talk behind her back?
Applejack: She's fat. What are we doin' out here anyway?
Fluttershy: Well, I want you to round up all the bunnies so I can hug their cute little heads off. That's something that an Earth pony can do, right?
Applejack: Oh, that's right. The rabbits. Well, I guess my dog has gotta eat somethin'. Isn't that right, goddamn it?
Winona: [barks]
Applejack: Prepare to be eaten alive, you worthless rodents! Run! Run, damn it!
Fluttershy: Applejack. Applejack.
Applejack: Only the strong survive!
Fluttershy: Applejack, stop! Stop ignoring me!
Applejack: Whatever, sugarplum! I think that's great!
Winona: [barks]
Twilight Sparkle: [groans]
Rose: That bitch! Fluttershy!
Lily Valley: She ruined everything!
Daisy: Meep. (Celestia roast her innards!)
Lily Valley: She's responsible for everything that's wrong with this town!
Twilight Sparkle: Not Pinkie Pie?
Lily Valley: My whole life is wrecked!
Rose: My beautiful begonias!
Daisy: Meep. Meep. Meep. (She is a heathen and a detriment to society! Behold, there she is tending to her loathsome vermin ilk, perpetrating the foul deed!)
Fluttershy: Can someone please help me out over here? I can't take care of this by myself. Applejack ran off for another drink.
Twilight Sparkle: Again? Enough is enough!
Twilight Sparkle: You're a plague. It's okay, I've been there. But there comes a point when it's just time to hand the liquor over to Twilight.
Applejack: But a shot a day keeps the doctor away, and I'm savin', like, six or seven doctor visits.
Twilight Sparkle: I think you got that saying wrong.
Applejack: Alright, Twilight.
Twilight Sparkle: I hope you understand the difference between a need and a want.
Applejack: I really do. But please, just one more bottle.
Twilight Sparkle: Okay. One more, and we'll drink it together.
Rainbow Dash: Sigh. Oh, my God!
Applejack: [groans] Sorry about bein' late there, buttercup. I had some stuff to finish up with with Twilight. Me and her been in a bit of a tiff lately, and I just had some things to take care of. So how can I help ya, sugarplum?
Rainbow Dash: Well, how'd you kill her?
Applejack: What do you mean how did I kill Twilight?
Rainbow Dash: Never mind. Look over there. So that thing. I built it. With my hooves and my mouth. And me – I'm gonna stand on it. And then you – you're gonna jump on it on the other side. And if my calculations are correct, I should fly away from it and not into the tower. And then, I'm gonna do a couple loops and then a big loop. After that, I'll probably panic. At that point, I'll need you to go and run for help. So it's a pretty planned out plan. What do you think?
Applejack: Uhhh, what?
Rainbow Dash: Well, don't worry about it. Just climb the thing already!
Applejack: Okay. I'm just drunk enough for this.
Rainbow Dash: Okay, jump! Jump! Jump!
Applejack: Okay! Yeah!
[crack]


Episode 3

     
Pinkie Pie: [blowing party favor] Dash! I come demanding your unconditional surrender! Come out now and—! Oh. Hello.
Rainbow Dash: Okay, I surrender. Hey. This is Gilda.
Gilda: Hey. What's up?
Rainbow Dash: We were friends back when we were in school.
Pinkie Pie: You had friends?
Gilda: Yeesh. "Friends" doesn't even begin to describe it. She and I were as close as friends can get. Yeah. Real close.
Pinkie Pie: You are lesbians?
Rainbow Dash: No way. I'm from Equestria.
Gilda: Dash, I think she's asking if you're gay.
Rainbow Dash: Ohhhhh.
Gilda: Dash, you are lucky that you're cute.
Rainbow Dash: Well, of course I'm gay. I'm so colorful. It's hard not to be happy looking like this.
Pinkie Pie: Ah, but now two are three. Come!
[honk]
Pinkie Pie: Don your disguises!
Gilda: Uh, maybe we should save the disguises until after I've snatched up that stupid red-haired kid with the lisp. Besides, I thought Dash and I could fool around for a little while.
Rainbow Dash: Okay. I guess I'm leaving you now. I'll see you later, Pinkie Pie. Don't kill anyone.
Pinkie Pie: Who, me? There will be consequences for your actions.
Rainbow Dash: I totally beat you.
Gilda: Okay, what the hell, Dash?!
Rainbow Dash: Oh, come on. What?
Gilda: What do you mean "I'm from Equestria"?!
Rainbow Dash: What's the big deal? I mean, come on! It's not like Lesbia's even a real place! I mean, give me a break!
Gilda: [speaking under] "Lesbia" isn't a physical place! It's a thing in your heart, Dash! Listen to me!
Pinkie Pie: I have come! Tremble! You thought that you could get away from Pinkie Pie, didn't you? Well, no one escapes from Pinkie! Yes. Especially not filthy griffons.
Gilda: Great. Hey, Dash. Let's book it before she starts quoting Stalin. Now, missy!
Pinkie Pie: You think I have no plans for you winged fools? A griffon has no cutie mark! She has no purpose in life! Yes.
Gilda: Listen here, pink hair! Screw off!
Pinkie Pie: [thinking] Oh, Pinkie Pie. You have been disgraced by the griffon, and yet here you sit, unable to think of a way to punish her for her crimes. Is it because she threatened to eat Twist and you want to see that? [out loud] Huh? [thinking] Oh, my God, look out! Okay. It was nothing. That one was a drill. Stay on your toes. Oh, hey. Look at that. It is Gilda. She has such pretty feathers. [out loud] Uh, wait, no! I mean she is filthy! Look at her strutting around with her razor-sharp claws. [thinking] She could peel you like a grape... Oh, my God! She just stole that! She has no regard for our laws... [out loud] Hey! Shut up, voice in my head! Whatever you say, she is the wrong species anyway! [thinking] Yes, but if it is forbidden, then that is exciting. [out loud] No, no, this is silly. Brain, you cannot be trusted.
Fluttershy: Okay, stop following me. I don't have any more bread.
Pinkie Pie: [thinking] There is Fluttershy being overtaken by ducks.
Gilda: Watch out.
Pinkie Pie: [thinking] And oh, what is this? No, don't apologize!
Gilda: I'm so sorry.
Pinkie Pie: [thinking] She is beneath everyone! Look, she runs away anyway! She is the craziest pony in Ponyville!
[creepy music]
Pinkie Pie: Pinkamena Pie, we must provide Gilda with guidance. And we must separate her from Rainbow Dash. We must destroy her very being beyond recognition. No! Yes. She is our way in. We will have to do things Pinkie Pie-style. [sinister laughter]
Pinkie Pie: Dash! Your number has been drawn! Your time is up!
Rainbow Dash: Screeeeeaaaaam! Whew. That was close.
Pinkie Pie: Yes.
Rainbow Dash: Screeeeeaaaaam! I don't want to be cupcakes! Oh, hey, Pinkie Pie. What are you doing in Twilight's tree?
Pinkie Pie: Minding my own freaking business. What are you doing? Aw, you think I will cut your wings off.
Rainbow Dash: Screeeeeaaaaam!
Pinkie Pie: What I have in mind is of more importance.
Rainbow Dash: Screeeee—! Never mind.
Pinkie Pie: It is so cute the way you give up on life. Yes.
Rainbow Dash: Okay. What happens now?
Pinkie Pie: Now we have a little fun. Hand and shrimp.
Rainbow Dash: Okay, you're the boss. I guess I'll just "hand and shrimp" then.
Pinkie Pie: Can you?! That would be perfect!
Rainbow Dash: I don't even know what that's supposed to mean!
Pinkie Pie: Do not worry. All is as planned. Now!
[thunder]
Spike: Aah!
Pinkie Pie: [laughing]
Spike: Well, that wasn't very funny, you two. You know, you're both lucky that I'm in a good mood.
Pinkie Pie: [laughing]
Spike: [belch] Gee, I am really gonna wish that hadn't been done. The worst thing about having thumbs is that they can be broken.
Pinkie Pie: The misfortune of others is fun! [laughing]
Rainbow Dash: Hey, yeah. You know, Gilda's always telling me that.
Pinkie Pie: She does, does she? [twitch] We should spread misfortune to other places. That is my plan. Yes.
Rainbow Dash: Sounds like fun.
Pinkie Pie: We go!
Rainbow Dash: Oh, man. I don't know what's going on.
Pinkie Pie: Quiet! I have put things in the flowers.
Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash: [laughing]
Rainbow Dash: So what'd you put in there?
Pinkie Pie: Oh, just some stuff I found in my medicine cabinet. Things I'm not taking anymore because my doctor is a quack. Huh. She quit moving. Weird.
Rainbow Dash: So for this one, we just replaced her ink?
Pinkie Pie: Do you know how long it takes to do wet chemistry? Hours! It is the worst thing in the world! Basically, we wasted her entire day.
[explosion]
Pinkie Pie: Hah! Day ruined.
Rainbow Dash: So for this one, we're gonna squirt Fluttershy with that "aqua-rageous" stuff you gave me.
Pinkie Pie: Aqua regia. And yes, that is the evil that we are committing. [laughing] Who knows what will happen to her? She could even go blind!
Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash: [laughing]
Rainbow Dash: With laughter!
Pinkie Pie: What? [spits] No-no-no-no-no-no-no. Look, the joke simply isn't funny anymore if I have to explain it to you. Now I don't even really want to do it anymore.
Rainbow Dash: Sigh. Okay. [groans] Man! I think I really want to do my own pranks.
Pinkie Pie: [laughing]
Rainbow Dash: I want to make it sound like someone is farting.
Pinkie Pie: So you like to do the pranking, do you? [laughing] I think you should prank Gilda!
Rainbow Dash: Oh, yeah! She wouldn't see it coming, would she? That couldn't go wrong at all! [laughing]
Pinkie Pie: Dash.
[crack]
Rainbow Dash: [wailing in pain] Oh, my God!
Pinkie Pie: Stop it.
Twilight Sparkle: The thing is, I don't think I could make a love potion for you even if I wanted to.
Pinkie Pie: Lies! Yes! You are holding out on me because I am a filthy Earth pony when it is you who is filthy! You who is filthy! How can you not know any spells? It is all you are good for. For goodness' sake, I thought maybe we were friends!
Twilight Sparkle: Only when one of us wants something.
Pinkie Pie: [groans]
Twilight Sparkle: Besides, I hate you. Understand?
Pinkie Pie: Never!
Spike: There's really no point in arguing, Twilight. You won't win anything.
Twilight Sparkle: Win anything? Look, I just want to be left alone, alright? I know I'm supposed to be studying friendship and all, but I'm basically smart enough to just make those reports up. I know that you're insane. I know that everyone in Ponyville is pretty much deranged.
Pinkie Pie: I am not! I am in love! Yes! I will throw a party. [???] place tonight! [grumbles]
[door slams]
Twilight Sparkle: Great.
Pinkie Pie: [chuckles] Hello. I'm so glad that your filthy feathered claws made it to the party. Yes! Yes. But you should watch out, because someone's out to get you! [laughing]
Rainbow Dash: Hey, Gilda. Pinkie Pie throws, like, the best parties in Ponyville.
Pinkie Pie: [laughing]
Rainbow Dash: Tops.
Gilda: Oh, yeah? [chuckles]
Rainbow Dash: Oh, yeah. You have a really good time, Gilda.
Gilda: Alright. You too, Dash. [to Pinkie Pie] Are you planning something insane?
Pinkie Pie: Yes.
Gilda: I don't even know why I asked.
Pinkie Pie: [laughing] It is probably because you are so beautiful and I will get you. Yes.
Gilda: Come again? What exactly are you getting at?
Pinkie Pie: I am keeping my eyes on you. [to other ponies] Everyone, everyone! Look at Gilda! Just look how attractive she is! She has nothing but disdain for all of us. Oh, my God, I love her! Wait, cool it, Pinkie Pie. You are blowing it. [to Gilda] Hey, come eat these things.
Gilda: Well, I couldn't find that red-headed kid anywhere. [straining]
Pinkie Pie: [chuckles] Why don't you trust me?
Rainbow Dash: Hey, wash it down with some punch. [laughing]
Pinkie Pie: You have been betrayed by Rainbow Dash. You should abandon her for a new friend. Named Pinkie.
Gilda: Guys. That was not cool.
Rainbow Dash: Look over here, Gilda. Presents. [laughing]
[pop]
Gilda: Greeeaaat. This'll take hours of preening.
Pinkie Pie: Ooh.
Applejack: Hey, everyone, we should play "Pin the Tail"!
Rarity: Oh, you know, I love that game. I play a variant of that with the bachelor herd.
Pinkie Pie: [chuckles] Rarity, you are a slut. Spike, blindfold Gilda.
Gilda: Hey! Personal space! [yelps]
[crash]
Rarity: Goodness, if I had a dime for every time that's happened to me, I wouldn't even need stallions.
Gilda: [screams] What is wrong with all of you stupid farm animals?!? Is my pain funny to you, you pastel grass chewers?! And the most deranged one of you is balloon butt here! You are the pinkest, most pink pony at this entire party!
Pinkie Pie: She's looking right at me!
Gilda: Come on, Rainbow. Let's get out of here. I'm tired of hanging out with the food. Besides, they all got a couple screws loose. Come on, missy. We are leaving!
Rainbow Dash: No way, Gilda. If you don't like being laughed at by your friends at your expense, then I guess that makes you a dick.
Pinkie Pie: Ooh...
Rainbow Dash: And I won't have anything to do with dicks.
Rarity: They'd be fine if you tried them!
Gilda: Come on, you're acting like a—
Rainbow Dash: I can see now that you'll never be comfortable with normal pony social interactions.
Pinkie Pie: It is such a shame. The pony philosophy of friendship is pretty much the only way that anyone should ever need to follow, unless we are upset or rejected. But Gilda, I am willing to teach you. After all, you need a new companion now named Pinkie.
Rainbow Dash: No, I think that you're really just plainly beyond hope at this point. I mean, after all, I've noticed you eating an awful lot of foals since you started visiting. And I'm pretty sure that that might be illegal.
Gilda: I see how it is! You want to be the top! And now you want to make me wear the saddle! Well, forget you then! Goodbye, Dashie.
Pinkie Pie: Hooray! My plan almost nearly worked halfway! [laughing]


Episode 4

     
Snails: [speaking in pseudo-Swedish] (All lesser races must stand aside or be trampled!)
Spike: Aah! Oh, great. I think I've been captured by the town retards.
Snails: (Who's the retard when you're working for a shamed, bitter exile?)
Snips: [speaking in pseudo-German] (The fact that you've been banished here to "study friendship" is telling of just how sad you both are!)
Twilight Sparkle: [to Spike] What did they say?
Spike: Well, I'm a bit rusty, but I'm pretty sure they just told you that they really like your hair.
Twilight Sparkle: Wait a minute. Are you sure?
Snails: (Fat chance! You look embarrassing!)
Snips: (Yeah, how's running your hair under the sink working for you?)
Pony: What exactly is going on? First, Bubblegum Dancer was standing here, and then I stood next to her, and then some other pony stood next to me, and now, like, the whole town is here.
[poof]
Pony: Oh, my God, something's happening! Oh, hey, it's a magic pony.
Trixie: [in deep, gravelly voice] When I was just a filly, both my parents were drama actors. But one day after a show, a horrible critic came and met my family in a dark alley. There, disgruntled by my parents' mediocre, mediocre performance, he took a rock and he smashed both their heads in!
Pony: Yaaaaay!
Trixie: From that day forward, I declared eternal vengeance on all drama critics everywhere. I've decided to follow in my parents' stupid, non-lucrative footsteps. Now I travel the world putting on fantastic shows so I can root out horrible critics who dislike drama and punish them for their terrible crime.
Rarity: So is this, like, the whole show?
Trixie: No!
Rarity: So what exactly is the show?
Trixie: Okay, I really loved Peter Pan On Ice, so I'm going to do a parody of Peter Pan On Ice, but every character is Darth Vader. That's the hook. But because I love the show, I really want to stay true to the characters. So I'm gonna be holding open auditions to look for people who are exactly like Peter Pan if he were Darth Vader. None of this "I'm a good actor but I only sound kind of like Peter Pan who is Darth Vader"; I need exactly like the character.
Applejack: Well, that's just plumb stupid.
Trixie: Also, everyone gets to write.
Applejack: Well, that's just plumb stupider! Consarnit, I could single-hoofedly be more entertaining than that.
Trixie: Okay, granted, that might be true. But this is not friendship. That's the issue that I have here. Okay. Okay! Get off the stage! You're wrecking my show!
Rainbow Dash: Well, I think that you show totally and completely sucks.
Trixie: Nuh-uh! You suck!
Rarity: No, she doesn't.
Rainbow Dash: I don't think so. I'm cool. Check me out.
Trixie: You suck, you suck, you suck... You do suck! You suck times infinity!
Spike: You both suck!
Twilight Sparkle: Spike, please stop encouraging them.
Trixie: [???]
[thunder]
Spike: [wailing] My feet are tired! I wanna go home! Take me home! [wailing]
Twilight Sparkle: Spike, what the heck, man? Would you chill out already? I'll buy you some ice cream.
Trixie: You! Why did you bring a baby to my show?!
Twilight Sparkle: Who, me? He's not exactly your everyday, typical baby. He's really much smarter than that. Why do you keep interacting with the audience so much?
Trixie: Because I'm a drama genius.
Rarity: Pffft! She's just trying to get noticed.
Spike: I'll give ya a fat lip!
Trixie: What do you think you know about drama?
Rarity: Well, nothing much really, because I wasn't in the drama club when I was in high school. I was far, far, far too busy getting laid by cute athletic colts.
Trixie: Shut up! I got laid in high school!
Twilight Sparkle: Well, I sure didn't...
Rarity: It doesn't count if he was in the drama club.
Trixie: I once dated a guy in the marching band.
Rarity: Well, okay, but was he cute?
Trixie: Well, I thought he was cute at the time.
Rarity: Well, fine. I guess that counts.
Trixie: The guy in the drama club was cute too.
Applejack: Gal, are you sure you wanna be on stage for this kind of discussion?
Trixie: Yeah, why?
Applejack: Don't y'all think that that's maybe just a bit personal?
Trixie: No.
Rainbow Dash: Hey! I think the show is still boring!
Trixie: What did I tell you?!?
Spike: You still both suck!
[thunder]
Rainbow Dash: Yow!
Spike: Hey, watch it. Your horn is pointy.
Twilight Sparkle: Spike, what exactly has gotten into you? Are you trying to make me look like an ass here?
Rainbow Dash: So hey, when do you think your show will be ready to go? 'Cause actually, I wanna help out. I do a really awesome Darth Tinker Bell.
Trixie: Fine.
Rainbow Dash: Okay, okay. Give me a second. Let me show you. [filtered breathing] [twinking SFX] Okay, what do you think? Am I in?
Trixie: Well, it wasn't quite what I imagined for the part, but okay.
Rarity: So excuse me, whatever-your-name-is...
Trixie: Trixie. Oh, wait! Shoot! Did I forget that part? Ugh, that was important! Okay, okay, let's see. Uh, da-da-da, "parents", da-da-da, "rock", da-da-da, "vengeance", da-da-da... Uh... Oh, right. Here we are. [overdramatic] I am the Great! I am the Powerful! I... am... Trixie! [speaking normally] I am the Great and Powerful Trixie.
Rarity: Great. I've been thinking, and it sounds as though you've slept with at least two boys...
Trixie: Eh, in high school.
Rarity: And frankly, that's two more than Twilight's ever had, so I guess you win.
Snails: (Behold, all pegasi and earth ponies! Here stands your indisputable superior! Her greatness far exceeds all your meager life's goals!)
Snips: (You should all probably just go home and kill yourselves!)
Trixie: Yes! I am the best!
[ponies applauding]
[fireworks exploding]
Snips: (On behalf of Ponyville's stallions, we welcome you!)
Trixie: Hey, you guys wanna hear something weird? So a long time ago, I got this really bad rash. I think it was ringworm or something. Anyway, so that's when I bought this cape so I could cover up the ringworm. And, uh... I forgot where I was going with that, but the ringworm's gone now.
Snails: (Her voice is so beautiful!)
Trixie: [sipping] What?
Snips: (We were hoping that you might fall in love with us.)
Snails: (And that maybe one of us would score. Or even both of us!)
Trixie: I'll be honest. You guys are creeping me right the hell out.
[beat]
Trixie: Leave!
Snails: (Anything for the finest filly in Ponyville.)
Snips: (We would marinate your hooves with our spit.)
Spike: Now what are you two up to?
Snips: (We are making time with a hot lady!)
Spike: You're what?
Snips: (Trixie is a suitable unicorn of meager class. She is probably desperate for anyone.)
Spike: Ugh.
Snips: (That is, of course, naturally where Snails and I come in.)
Spike: I hate to break it to ya, but that play's gonna be a flop. The premise is stupid. Not to mention the leadership.
Snips: (Who cares about a stupid play? Snails and I will be all over that ass like letters on a keyboard.)
Spike: Let me break it down so you can understand. [speaking in Russian] (I am condescending to you.)
Snails: [laughing] (Snips will be the letters and I'll be the numbers.)
Spike: Look, I know what it's like to want to be in a performance. When I was littler, Twilight put on a show about brushing your teeth for her school. I thought that was really amazing that everyone could get together and sing like that, and I wanted to try it too. But you know what they told me? They told me "Nae, Spike, you're Twilight's slave, and slaves don't get to sing in the school play! Now clean up these books!"
Snails: (Sounds like you didn't have much talent as a child. Were you dropped on your head?)
Spike: Twilight, why was it that you never let me sing in your school plays?
Twilight Sparkle: I don't know. Why aren't you in bed yet?
Spike: Because I've stayed up making a list of perfectly good reasons why I should've been in those plays when you were just a little one!
Twilight Sparkle: Well, you know what I think? I think I've had enough of your pissy little attitude today. Go to bed.
Spike: Well, you can't just tell me to go to bed. Where's the sport in that?
Twilight Sparkle: Go to bed or I will turn you inside out!
Spike: I'm not going to bed, and you can't make me! I'm going for a walk!
Spike: [thinking] I'll show Twilight. I'll stay up all night and feel like piss tomorrow.
Snips: [screaming]
Spike: Hey, why are you running around at night?
Snails: [screaming]
Snips: (How could I have known that would happen!)
Snails: (I told you not to put that in its eye!)
Spike: [thinking] It's the weirdest thing. Why do I feel hungry after talking to them?
[roar]
Spike: [thinking] Oh, shoot!
Snips and Snails: [mingled yelling]
Trixie: What?! Oh, please don't tell me you guys have figured out I'll do anything for a buck.
Snips: (To be honest I did suspect from the start.)
Snails: (Not that either of us have any money anyway.)
Trixie: Wait, two cups of flour? Are you guys crazy? Do you know what that'll do to my arteries? ...Seriously, I'm asking. Is that bad for you? I read too much flour is bad for you.
Ursa: [roar]
Snips and Snails: [screaming]
Ursa: [roar]
Spike: Twilight! Space bear!
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, I'm sorry. I can't hear disobedient dragons who aren't in bed.
Spike: But... there's a freakin' space bear...
Ursa: [roar]
Trixie: Oh, my God, this is the worst day.
Snips: (How can you say that?)
Snails: (We brought the bear to win your heart.)
Trixie: What?! You idiots! What gave you the impression that I would find this kind of thing attractive?!
Snips: (Girls find it cute when you bring them teddy bears.)
Snails: (We just took the gift to its logical conclusion!)
Trixie: Uhhh... I guess I can't argue with that.
Snips: (Yeah. It's simple when you think about it.)
Snails: (You should offer us an apology right now!)
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, my God! The hell's going on?!
Snips: (We brought Trixie a token of our love.)
Snails: (And now she is just about to rightfully apologize to us.)
Trixie: I'm sorry. Well, I'm not really sorry. But I know that you guys expect an apology, so if I just pretend to be sorry, then this will all probably just go away.
Ursa: [roar]
Spike: Go on, Twilight! Use that magic that Celestia taught ya!
Twilight Sparkle: Okay. What's next on the list of Celestia's homework?
Spike: Celestia says now Spike gets facial hair!
Twilight Sparkle: Typical.
Spike: Do it!
Twilight Sparkle: Celestia's training is terrible!
Spike: Well, just use that magic that she forbade you from studying.
Twilight Sparkle: You mean the spell that could kill everyone?
Spike: The one you decided to study anyway without any help or guidance.
Trixie: You know, I cannot believe how patient this space bear is being. He should get a lollipop or something.
[explosion]
Rainbow Dash: Wow, Twilight! That was amazing! Although, for some reason, I can't really remember what exactly you did.
Twilight Sparkle: It was something illegal involving spacetime.
Trixie: Well, I think we've all learned something important about picking out romantic partners. Dating someone is just like picking out a parakeet from the pet store. You should always look for a bird that's friendly and getting along with the others. And, uh... that's all I got.
Applejack: Well, it was nice meetin' ya anyway.


Episode 5

     
Twilight Sparkle: Everyone, listen. So I'm sad that most of you are probably too stupid to realize this, but there's a giant black cloud of smoke that's gonna cover the entire town.
Ponies: ["Meep, meep, meep", etc.]
Twilight Sparkle: There it is. Right behind you. Right where none of you were looking.
Fluttershy: Hi! Hi, Twilight!
Twilight Sparkle: The smoke is being caused by a dragon, and Celestia has asked me to gather up my – and I quote – "weedy little friends" so I can go take care of it. Now I know that some of you are probably wondering: "How is Twilight and her little friends possibly gonna stand up to a full grown dragon?" And I want you all to know that if I don't come back, it's because I gave up. I probably skipped town because I don't care about you, and I want you all to know that.
Twilight Sparkle: I feel like the other thing that you guys should all probably know is that we're all gonna die and I don't have any faith in you!
Pinkie Pie: I understand how you feel. I don't have any faith in them either!
Rarity: Well, I think we'd be fine without Applejack.
Twilight Sparkle: No, Applejack's gonna carry our stuff.
Rarity: Well, I think that Applejack should come with us.
Rainbow Dash: Oh, my God, when we get back from this, we are so getting laid!
Rarity: But I already get laid frequently.
Twilight Sparkle: There's basically no real incentive for us to risk our lives like this. Rainbow Dash, you're the fastest, so my plan is for you to fly down the dragon's throat and choke it to death! Alright, everyone, get lost. I'll meet you all back here in an hour.
Twilight Sparkle: This is gonna be a long and difficult journey with no real reward at the end, but at least you'll all die knowing that you were remotely good for something. First up, we got Applejacks Apple Zapple, Earth pony daughter of the Apple family, brought along to carry our stuff!
Applejack: Whoo-doggie! Let's have a barbecue!
Twilight Sparkle: Next up, we have Pinkamena Diane Pie, recently paroled from house arrest and unable to be left alone without supervision!
Pinkie Pie: How many ponies does it take to screw in a light bulb? One! The other ponies are unnecessary!
Twilight Sparkle: Then of course, we've got Rarity, A.K.A. "Bootylicious", brought along purely because the government said she had to go and for no other reason!
Rarity: They don't call it a "high class escort" for nothing.
Twilight Sparkle: And finally, we got Rainbow Dash herself for slapstick comic relief and a suicide attack!
Rainbow Dash: Aw, man. Can I change mine?
Twilight Sparkle: Alright, let's get this debacle in motion.
Fluttershy: You forgot me.
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, yeah. And we've also got, uh... Uh... Yellow one.
Applejack: Fluttershy, darlin'.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, how am I supposed to remember the names?
Applejack: Y'all remembered mine just fine.
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, but yours is easy. But everypony in Ponyville has some kind of ridiculous name like "Carwash Rugmuncher" or something! And it always turns out that it has something to do with their special talent, like they're some kind of lesbian car-washing expert!
Rainbow Dash: Hey, do you think you could get Celestia to legally change my name?
Rarity: Who cares? Show of hooves – who cares what Twilight thinks?
Rainbow Dash: 'Cause I really want to be "Lesbian Carwasher".
Applejack: Can't we just get on with marchin' to our death?
Twilight Sparkle: [sigh] Okay, fine. Let's have a look at the map that Celestia gave us. Oh, you have got to be kidding me. I don't even think you can solve this maze. Oh, well. Looks like we're winging it.
Twilight Sparkle: So does anyone know anything about climbing mountains? 'Cause it may not be the dragon that kills us.
Applejack: I say we just climb. Otherwise, someone will just start bickering again.
Pinkie Pie: I just realized we all have to go back.
Twilight Sparkle: Why? We're barely even up the mountain.
Pinkie Pie: Because I just realized that I left my mp3 player alone with Gummy! And the last time I did that, he deleted all of my music and replaced it with bizarre pornography!
Twilight Sparkle: Wait. Your pet alligator did that?
Rainbow Dash: Nah, that was totally me.
Pinkie Pie: You! Well, the things I did to Gummy are only half of what I will do to you!
Rainbow Dash: No one can touch Lesbian Carwash!
Twilight Sparkle: Girls, I want you to shut up.
Applejack: [groan]
Twilight Sparkle: Hey, what are you doing with that?
Applejack: I'm gonna use it as toilet paper.
Twilight Sparkle: Oh. Fair enough.
Fluttershy: Hey, I have to go too.
Twilight Sparkle: Okay, does anyone else need a break?
Rainbow Dash: No.
Pinkie Pie: No!
Twilight Sparkle: Okay, then we're gonna carry on to a stopping point. You two just catch up.
Pinkie Pie: Cthulu fhtagn! I win again!
Rarity: Who cares? We're just gonna be burned alive anyway.
Pinkie Pie: I cherish every victory over a filthy unicorn.
Rarity: Pinkie, do you ever worry about being mono-dimensional?
Pinkie Pie: Not really. Why do you ask?
Rarity: Because staring death in the face has made me think about things, and I realize that I've been a little mono-dimensional. Sex with this, sex with that, but I really feel like I should've slept with more boys. Different kinds of boys, I mean. Maybe even some girls just for the heck of it. You know, just to be less mono-dimensional.
Pinkie Pie: [chuckles] You and I live in completely different worlds.
Rarity: I don't know why I bother opening up to you.
Rainbow Dash: I'm still mad you won't help me change my name.
Applejack: Hey, y'all. I made it. We had a bit of a bathroom accident, and Fluttershy hit her head. So I just picked her up and dragged her all this way on her back. I'm not a doctor, but come to think of it now, that probably didn't do her any favors.
Twilight Sparkle: Come on or we'll leave you behind. Actually, just kidding. Celestia said I gotta take all you guys, and we gotta obey Celestia's orders. If you don't, she'll shove a thing in your butt! And I forget what it's called, but trust me, you don't want it in there!
Fluttershy: But I don't want a thing shoved in my butt! Oh, God!
Twilight Sparkle: I just said that. I don't want a thing shoved in my butt either, so just hurry up and jump.
Applejack: No one's gonna put anything in your butt.
Twilight Sparkle: Maybe your brother...
Applejack: Shut up.
Twilight Sparkle: You know, Celestia used to threaten me with that butt thing all the time when I was little.
Applejack: That is just a little too much, honeybunch.
Twilight Sparkle: You're telling me. I used to have nightmares about it. You know, she actually once showed me how it works. On a live pony, I kid you not. There was blood everywhere. Who shows that kind of thing to a child?!
Pinkie Pie: I would show that to a child! I think it builds character! Yes. I will force a thing in your fanny! And I won't ask your permission! [singing] I said bird-bird-bird, bird is the word! Don't you know about the bird? [laughing maniacally]
Twilight Sparkle: This is why I don't tell you guys about myself.
Fluttershy: Can we please talk about something else?
Twilight Sparkle: No! If you don't jump that ravine right now, I'm gonna tell you about the time that Celestia made me smother her pet bird to death!
Pinkie Pie: Bird-bird-bird, bird is the word! [laughing maniacally]
Twilight Sparkle: She took me into a room and she handed me a pillow.
Fluttershy: No, no! I don't want to hear this!
Twilight Sparkle: And then she made me hold it over her pet bird's face until it burst into flames and turned into ashes! And then Celestia, she leans right down next to me and she whispers into my ear, "I guess you owe me now." And then... And then there was the time—
Fluttershy: [crying] Stop! This is scaring me!
Twilight Sparkle: Scaring you?! And then, I used to have this little toy named Mrs. Buzzy. She was a stuffed bumblebee. And one day when I was having a tea party, Celestia came and she pulled out all of Mrs. Buzzy's stuffing, and she filled her full of sliced bread, and she said, "There! Mrs. Buzzy isn't real!" And then...
Fluttershy: Nooooo...!
Twilight Sparkle: ...she told me to write a three-hundred-page essay explaining what that proved, and I didn't know! [crying hysterically] Hey, did we pack any scotch? Or whiskey? Or... paint thinner?
Applejack: Darlin', I would give just about anything if you could hop over here right now.
Rainbow Dash: So how soon before I fly down this dragon's throat?
Twilight Sparkle: Depends on how long it takes you to work up the courage.
Rainbow Dash: Aw, man!
Twilight Sparkle: Alright, looks like your time is up. Now remember, when you get lodged down in there, try to turn yourself sideways so he can't cough you back up.
Rainbow Dash: No way! I'm not gonna die as "Rainbow Dash"!
Twilight Sparkle: What do you mean? This is exactly why... Wait. Are you still talking about your name?
Rainbow Dash: Yeah, man. I mean, come on, I'm gonna die for Equestria. Just have Celestia change my name this one time.
Twilight Sparkle: Why are you so fixated on being "Lesbian Carwasher"?
Rainbow Dash: Well, who wouldn't want to wash cars in Lesbia?
Rarity: For Pete's sakes, seriously? Her brain is this big.
Twilight Sparkle: Wait, let me get this straight. You think Lesbia's a place?
Rarity: Twilight.
Rainbow Dash: Yeah, ponies always think I'm from there.
Twilight Sparkle: From there?
Rainbow Dash: Well, yeah, isn't it like a tropical island?
Twilight Sparkle: Okay, but I thought you and Gilda were... you know...
Rarity: Twilight.
Rainbow Dash: Yeah, Gilda was always trying to explain to me where it was.
Twilight Sparkle: She?
Rainbow Dash: Yeah, she was always on about how it's in your heart or something that you feel. You know, like national pride or whatever.
Rarity: Twilight. Listen, darling. Her brain... this big.
Rainbow Dash: Seriously? Let me guess. It's not really a tropical island.
Rarity: It isn't.
Twilight Sparkle: So... is she or is not from... you know... Lesbia?
Rarity: Oh, I don't know that. Not really.
Rainbow Dash: Well, I don't want to change my name anymore if Lesbia isn't a nice place to live.
Rarity: Stop.
Twilight Sparkle: Good. Then are you ready to die for the cause?
Rainbow Dash: Okay.
Twilight Sparkle: Perfect. Then I'm gonna go on ahead and try to lure that thing out here. The minute that thing rears its ugly head, you fly straight down its windpipe.
Fluttershy: I want you all to know that if we don't—
Twilight Sparkle: Shut up.
Twilight Sparkle: So hey, Mr. Dragon. I've got this just delicious friend outside, and I hear she would just love to be eaten alive. She tastes like candy.
[bonk]
Twilight Sparkle: Oh! Hey! Hey. Hey there. So, like I was saying... My friend. You should totally eat her. 'Cause you know, she's, like, high in protein. The thing is that I learned today that if you replaced all my friends with sliced bread, I'd still probably be miserable for some other reason. So if you could please find it in your heart to eat Rainbow Dash and then go away, then I'll probably be allowed to continue living without having a thing shoved in my butt. And I would really like that. Hello? Are you listening? Don't just ignore me! Come on! ...Dammit!
Twilight Sparkle: My plan sucked more than Rarity!
Rarity: Oh, darling. And here I thought we were getting along so well for this trip. Oh, well.
Rainbow Dash: Well, I am gonna make that thing eat me!
Rarity: You go get him, killer.
Rainbow Dash: Hey!
[whack]
Dragon: [roars]
[bowling pins knocking over]
Rainbow Dash: This is totally lame! I taste great! I don't know what that dragon' freaking problem is!
Twilight Sparkle: Well, what we need is a whole ton of barbecue sauce to make Rainbow Dash more appealing to this dragon.
Pinkie Pie: I have a better plan. I am going to wear a box. And the box is full of poison lobsters!
Applejack: Twilight, can't you just use your magic powers to put the dragon to sleep, levitate it off a cliff, and then drop it on some sharp rocks?
Twilight Sparkle: No. That's stupid. If it weren't, I would've thought of that.
Pinkie Pie: Okay. Pinkie Pie is going in for the kill. Hello! My box is full of poison lobsters!
Dragon: [roars]
Pinkie Pie: [laughing maniacally] That filthy dragon has been made no more!
Twilight Sparkle: No way. You mean you got it?
Pinkie Pie: Hah, yes.


Episode 6

     
Rarity: So here's a thought – what exactly is the mentality behind staging a violent lightning storm over all of Ponyville?
Applejack: Really? Well, the reason is because lightning creates enough energy to break up the nitrogen molecules in the atmosphere. The nitrogen then turns into nitrous oxide which dissolve in the rain and seep into the earth. And, uh, nitrogen in the soil's real good for farmin'.
Rarity: Oh, honestly, it was a rhetorical question, Applejack. I was just making fun of the government. Way to ruin my fun.
Applejack: I'm sorry, I guess I just hoped that someone would value me for my knowledge once.
Rarity: Well, no one does! Get over it! You are a grade-A bitch, you know that? A bitch among bitches, some might even say.
Applejack: Keep it up. Any minute now, I'm gonna clock you somethin' fierce.
Rarity: Honestly, this is what you sound like. [nasally] "I'm Applejack! I know about farming!" Farming is all you know about. You're stupid. You're an Earth pony.
Applejack: Well, someone's got her racism turned up to eleven today!
Rarity: [chuckling] You know, it's not racism if it's true. Maybe you should learn to read.
Applejack: Maybe I should kick y'all in your pretty face!
Rarity: You really think my face is pretty?
Applejack: Well, sure. Everyone thinks so.
Rarity: Well, thank you, Applejack. You know, that's kind of you to say. Although I admit that I don't find your face very attractive.
Applejack: Well, you know, that does make me feel kinda depressed.
Rarity: Well, you should. It's depressing.
Twilight Sparkle: Hey! I thought you jerks were coming over today!
Applejack: So not that I'm complainin' about bein' in from the rain, but what exactly made you think that we were comin' over today?
Twilight Sparkle: I asked Rainbow Dash to tell you all to come over.
Applejack: Well, I haven't seen Rainbow Dash all day.
Rarity: What makes you think we would come over, even if Rainbow Dash told us?
Twilight Sparkle: Because I'm Twilight Sparkle and I told you to.
Applejack: Well, Twilight sure seems to be in a real good mood today.
Rarity: Don't track your filthy mudpony mud into a unicorn's home. You should be appreciative of being allowed in in the first place. Go wash up.
Applejack: I may be dirty, but at least I'm not a two-bit whore.
Rarity: Come to think of it, you do seem awfully chipper today, Twilight. Why? What are you planning?
Twilight Sparkle: I'm not planning anything. It's just that Spike said some innocuous comments today in the privacy of our home and... some ponies came, and Spike's on a short vacation now. And anyway, speaking of education, I recently got an assignment. And so, because I'm studying friendship, I am just happy and so happy and we're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. And I know you're thinking it, but let me just tell you that I wasn't thinking about doing anything athletic like running around or anything because there wouldn't be any point. The weather's bad, and you wouldn't make it hardly ten feet without being caught. By the weather. See, 'cause the weather's fast and it's everywhere! So... [chuckles] You know... So how are you? And-and Applejack? My two best friends that, uh, that I am studying friendship with because Celestia is so great?
Rarity: Oh! Can't run then. Well... Well, I'm doing fine. And of course Applejack is...
Twilight Sparkle: Having some trouble.
Rarity: Oh, heavens. I can't even imagine what that must be like.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, it's lucky we were both born unicorns. Praise Celestia!
Rarity: Hail Celestia.
Twilight Sparkle: So riveting pleasantries aside, let's get down to business. Today, my orders are to have a slumber party. And to enjoy it with a vengeance!
Rarity: Oh, for heaven's sake! You mean I'm going to have to braid Applejack's hair and talk to her about her first kiss? As if I wanted to hear anything about what she does with her disgusting redneck cousins.
Applejack: What about my family?!
Rarity: Oh, you're back. We were just talking about you. You know, about how the Apple family likes to "keep it in the family", so to speak. Or even put it in the family.
Applejack: Well, who told y'all a fool thing like that?
Rarity: Your brother. During pillow talk.
Applejack: You're lyin'! He wouldn't!
Rarity: He did. He told me how rough it's been for you and about your first lovey little stallion.
Applejack: Hey now! You leave Braeburn out of this! He was sweet! Besides, we were both young and... maybe hormonal. I can't believe Big Mac told you about me and my cousin!
Rarity: Well, he didn't. I lied. I was just taking a shot in the dark to see what you might admit to. So anyway, we've learned about Applejack's first kiss, I hope. So I guess just mark that off our list.
Twilight Sparkle: Awesome. This is gonna be fun.
Applejack: What list? What are y'all talkin' about?
Rarity: We're having a mandatory slumber party. What's next, Twilight?
Twilight Sparkle: Says here now we do facials.
Applejack: Oh, a slumber party. Well, I bet Rarity's an expert on gettin' facials.
Rarity: Yeah, here's a tip – don't get it in your eyes. And honestly, was that a burn, Applejack? Did I just get burned?
Twilight Sparkle: I think you just got burned, bitch.
Rarity: Shut up, Twilight.
Applejack: I was just payin' y'all a compliment.
Rarity: Great. Just play it off as good nature. Now I'm gonna wonder about that all night while I think about what it says about me that the first thing I assumed is that you were making a slut joke.
Applejack: I think it says that the whole town thinks you're a slut.
Rarity: And now I'm not wondering anymore.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, I think tonight's gonna be a great tribute to Celestia. Praise!
Applejack and Rarity: Praise...
Rarity: So what's next in this farcical tragedy?
Twilight Sparkle: Well, it says here that now we need to tell frightening horror stories. I don't suppose you chumps even know the meaning of "horror"?
Applejack: Y'all ever seen Granny Apple shave her legs?
Rarity: No. Why would she do that?
Applejack: I don't know. But I worry that one day she will. And that's a horrible thought.
Twilight Sparkle: So... what? Are you proposing that that's a horror story?
Applejack: Once upon a time, Granny Apple shaved her legs. It was gross. The end.
Twilight Sparkle: That sucked.
Rarity: Well, she forgot to add the part at the end that makes it scary. You know. Awoooooooh...
Applejack: Oh, yeah. It was gross. Awoooooooh...
Rarity: And then AJ did something questionable with her cousin! Awoooooooh... That was gross too.
Applejack: Dammit, Rarity! Come tomorrow, everyone in town is gonna know, aren't they?
Rarity: I'm telling everyone. Heck, I'm even sending a letter to Braeburn just to let him know I know. Do his parents know? Do your parents know? If they don't know now, they're gonna know. ...I'm gonna tell your dog! Fetch is never gonna be the same.
[electricity sparks]
Rarity: Great. Now the lights are out. Good going, Applejack.
Applejack: That's it! I've had enough! Hah!
[glass shatters]
Applejack: Did I get ya? Are ya dead?
Rarity: No.
Applejack: Darn it. ...Please don't tell my parents about me and Braeburn.
[door closes]
Twilight Sparkle: So hey, I turned the lights off. Isn't that spooky?
Rarity: No.
Applejack: Well, I can't see Rarity's fat ass anymore, so I consider it an improvement.
Twilight Sparkle: Guys, whatever you do, don't stop bickering. I'm going to follow the sound of your incessant whining.
[glass breaks]
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, what is this all over my floor? Broken glass? Did you guys break something?
Rarity: Just turn the lights back on, you idiot.
Twilight Sparkle: Don't you call me an idiot! Where are you guys? Oh, here we go. Come here. So let's all hear a real horror story.
[thunder booming]
Twilight Sparkle: ...So I sewed up the wound, thinking in my childlike naivete that I'd successfully completed the surgery. However, about a day later, I was appalled to discover that I'd punctured an intestine and that the patient was becoming septic. I tried to go back and correct the mistake, but that's when I learned my first lesson about proper procedures.
[thunder booming]
Twilight Sparkle: I hadn't shaved the surgical area, and as a result, some hair got in the patient's wound.
Rarity: [fearful moans]
Twilight Sparkle: The consequence was an allergic reaction that caused inflammation, and that only complicated the issue. Afterward, long story short, Celestia explained to me that's why I couldn't keep the puppy. Also, it died. So alright! Horrible stories: check! The happy ending is that these days I can perform that kind of surgery blindfolded and with my bare hooves.
Applejack: Twi, your childhood was kinda terrible. How do y'all tell a story like that and then just go around smilin' and-and actin' like nothing's the matter?
Twilight Sparkle: Well, it's easy. I just think of something funny like a blind pony in a wheelchair.
Applejack: How is that supposed to be funny?!
Twilight Sparkle: Well, Celestia had a lot of comedians in her dungeons.
Rarity: Shut up, Applejack. This is why I don't ask Twilight about herself. If you keep picking at it, then sooner or later, she's gonna get out the alcohol and then things are just gonna go downhill from there!
Applejack: Actually, that sounds alright. Let's just get out the alcohol and let things go downhill.
Rarity: Oh. Well, okay. Twilight, tell us about Mrs. Buzzy again.
Twilight Sparkle: I don't want to talk about Mrs. Buzzy.
Rarity: Well, we're your guests and we want you to have a mental breakdown.
Twilight Sparkle: But I don't want to have a mental breakdown! I'm doing an assignment!
Rarity: I'd have a mental breakdown for you.
Twilight Sparkle: You would not!
Rarity: I would too.
Applejack: Does Twilight really have to have a mental breakdown in order for us to drink together?
Twilight Sparkle: I'm not sharing my liquor with you! ...Who-who are my best friends. I'm studying friendship with you guys. Just like I'm supposed to.
Rarity: Well, if you're my friend, then make me a daiquiri.
Twilight Sparkle: No.
Rarity: [whining] Make me a daiquiri!
Applejack: Dammit, Rarity, can't you make your own daiquiri?
Twilight Sparkle: No!
Applejack: Well, isn't there somethin' in that book about "slumber party sucks, get out the booze"?
Twilight Sparkle: [chuckles] No, this book is made for kids. It's got illustrated pictures of little fillies enjoying the childhood that I never had!
Applejack: Well, then what's next in the damn book?
Twilight Sparkle: It says we have to play Truth or Dare.
Rarity: I dare Twilight to make me a daiquiri.
Twilight Sparkle: It's not your turn. That's not how it works.
Rarity: Yes, that is. That is how it works.
Twilight Sparkle: No, it isn't! It's not your turn!
Rarity: Well, then I dare Twilight to make out with Applejack!
Twilight Sparkle: It's not your turn!
Applejack: Well, whose turn is it, sugarpie?
Twilight Sparkle: I don't know. The game hasn't started yet.
Rarity: It's my turn.
[beat]
Twilight Sparkle: No, it isn't.
Rarity: Yes, it is.
Twilight Sparkle: No, it isn't because I say that it's my turn and I get the final say on how this works. So, Rarity, guess what? Truth or dare?
Rarity: Truth.
Twilight Sparkle: Hey, Applejack, truth or dare?
Applejack: Um, dare?
Twilight Sparkle: I dare all three of us to shut up and go to bed.
Applejack: Can y'all do that?
Twilight Sparkle: Well, I'm gonna say yes.
Twilight Sparkle: Alright, the objective is simple. All we have to do is go to bed. We don't have to make eye contact with each other, we don't have to worry about how the other pony is feeling... We'll just get some sleep, and tomorrow this whole thing will be like a bad dream.
Rarity: [with German accent] Sieg heil, sleep Nazi. Vhen do we put Applejack in der concentration camp?
Twilight Sparkle: Shut up.
Rarity: [with German accent] Vat is dis? Un Earf pony is sleeping in mein kampf bed. Unacceptable! Mein Führer! Führer! Excuse me, Führer!
Twilight Sparkle: Go to bed, Rarity.
Rarity: [with German accent] But der ist un Earf pony! And you are in charge of de sleeping!
[beat]
Rarity: [speaking normally] You could've at least tried to play along. Get up. Sleep on the floor where you belong.
Applejack: Um... nah.
Rarity: I'm sure you can use whatever disgusting pet bed Spike does. Get up!
[glass shatters]
Applejack: Watch it with that friggin' horn!
Twilight Sparkle: Dammit, Rarity, what's it gonna take to get you to go to bed?
Rarity: I didn't get my turn in Truth or Dare.
Twilight Sparkle: Alright, fine. If it'll make you cut the crap, then you can have one turn.
[clock ticking]
Twilight Sparkle: "I dare you to pull a tree through Twilight's window, Applejack!" You didn't think she could do it! But she did, didn't she?!
Rarity: Well, it was really funny until that tree got in here.
Twilight Sparkle: You suck dicks.
Rarity: More than you.
Twilight Sparkle: I wouldn't even want to suck the kind of dicks that you suck!
Rarity: Oh, well, you better just move out of town then.
Twilight Sparkle: You know what?! I don't think I even believe that! I think that you're embarrassed that no real stallion could ever like a bitch like you and you just make it all up!
Rarity: Oh! Oh! Is that what you think?!
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, that is what I think.
Rarity: Why don't you just invite your parents to Ponyville and we'll put that to the test?! We'll find out how forgiving your mom is when I—
Twilight Sparkle: You leave Mom and Dad out of this, or so help me, I will cut you! I will perform an autopsy on your still conscious body!
Rarity: Oh, like hell. You couldn't.
Twilight Sparkle: I could too! I killed a puppy!
Rarity: Yeah, but not on purpose.
Applejack: Twilight, I hate to interrupt, but I got an important question. I just got dared, so it's my turn now, right?
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, my God, are you kidding?
Applejack: Is it my turn or ain't it?!
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah... yeah, whatever, it's your turn.
Applejack: Twilight, truth or dare?
Rarity: Truth.
Twilight Sparkle: It's not your turn!
Applejack: Truth or dare, honey! And pick dare!
Twilight: Okay, dare!
Applejack: I dare y'all to cancel this horrible slumber party and send us both home!
Twilight Sparkle: ...Holy Celestia. Is it really that simple?
Applejack: I think it is.
Twilight Sparkle: Then both of you, get out.
Rarity: But I want another turn.
Twilight Sparkle: I said get out!
Applejack: 'Kay. Thanks for havin' us, Twi.


Episode 7

     
Twilight Sparkle: So it's a nice day and I'm ready for the bad news. How much did you talk, and how deep are we in with Celestia now?
Spike: What do you mean, how much did I talk? They took me to Room 101. I told them everything. I admitted to things you didn't do. They asked me if you were secretly working for Mothra. I told them yes. If you weren't already on a list, you're definitely on one now.
Twilight Sparkle: Hang on. Don't you think the town seems kinda derelict today?
Spike: Who cares?! You're working for Mothra now! Doesn't that mean anything to you?!
Twilight Sparkle: Did you even try to resist?
Spike: Nae! They threatened me with tiny hammers!
Twilight Sparkle: Wow. Suck it up.
Pinkie Pie: So word on the street is that you are working for Mothra. Aren't you?!
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, well, apparently. What are you doing, Pinkie?
Pinkie Pie: I am not Pinkie. I am just a friendly, jumpy pink worm who knows all about the art of defection! Also, you are a worm! There is nothing illegal about talking to worms. And talking to worms about separatism is not treason because worms are not citizens! Come on! Or they will find you!
[door closes]
Pinkie Pie: Surprise!
Twilight Sparkle: Wait a minute. Are you guys all in on Pinkie's crazy schemes?
Applejack: No, we're all hidin' in here 'cause we don't want to have to talk to her. That's Zecora, a zebra. She lives in the Everfree Forest, but every now and then, she comes here to dig. I dunno what the purpose is, she never leaves with anything. She just digs. And there she is. Diggin'.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, what is she digging for?
Applejack: I just told y'all I don't know.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, is she stupid or something?
Rarity: She is ridiculously stupid. And ugly.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, in that case... let's just run her out of town.
Apple Bloom: Run her out of town? Ain't there a diplomatic solution?
Twilight Sparkle: A diplomatic... Wha...? Whose kid is this?!
Pinkie Pie: Rarity should keep an eye on her disgusting spawn!
Rarity: Well, don't look at me.
Applejack: Oh, sorry, guys. This here's my licorice-headed little sister Apple Bloom.
Rainbow Dash: Guys, I'm so bored. You guys wanna hear about this really sweet loop I did today?
Twilight Sparkle: Okay, tell us. All eyes on Rainbow Dash, everyone. She's gonna tell us about this loop she did.
Rainbow Dash: I did a loop.
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, and?
Rainbow Dash: It was pretty fast, I guess.
Apple Bloom: I'm just sayin' that we should consider all the alternatives before we resort to violence and shun someone from our community.
Twilight Sparkle: Why? What do we have to gain from that?
Pinkie Pie: I don't want to talk to her! She has the most annoying voice ever!
Twilight Sparkle: We have the superior force in numbers. The best to do would be to attack when we have the advantage. Then my educated opinion is that we should either kill her or sell her into slavery.
Apple Bloom: The heck kind of educated opinion is that?!
Fluttershy: Well, if I can share my thoughts, it's my opinion that—
Twilight Sparkle: Well, the fact of the matter is that Ponyville just hasn't taken enough decisive action.
Apple Bloom: Well, I can agree with a need for action, but I really feel like it might be more beneficial to just let her be a part of our community—
Twilight Sparkle: Zebras are basically Earth ponies, so what kind of functional purpose could she perform aside from the usual Earth pony laziness?
Rarity: I hear she's some kind of evil sorceress.
Rainbow Dash: No way! We should steal her pot of gold!
Applejack: I think you're thinkin' of leper-chauns, sweetie.
Twilight Sparkle: No, she's thinking of leprechauns. A "leper-Khan" would be like some kind of Mongolian leper war chief. And that's stupid.
Applejack: You're stupid! Y'all knew what I meant!
Apple Bloom: Well, I think you're all stupid if this is how you as adults are gonna handle a problem!
Fluttershy: But Apple Bloom, I want you to know that—
Twilight Sparkle: You don't have to justify yourself to a child, yellow one.
Fluttershy: My name is Fluttershy...
Twilight Sparkle: I know the name!
Fluttershy: Okay...
Twilight Sparkle: Well, it looks like she's leaving now anyway.
Pinkie Pie: We have to catch her and put bugs in her hair!
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, okay, fine. I wasn't doing anything else this afternoon.
Applejack: Hey, you stripey chump! You better get out of town or we're gonna rub bugs in your hair!
Twilight Sparkle: She already is out of town.
Applejack: Well, you better... stay out of town or else we'll rub bugs in your hair!
Zecora: Stop following me or I'm gonna curse you!
Twilight Sparkle: Guys, this is more ridiculous than I thought.
Zecora: Duuuuuuuuuuh...
Pinkie Pie: We are being cursed! We must commence the counter curse!
Rainbow Dash: Okay, I'll try. Blaaaaaaaaaah...
Twilight Sparkle: Hey, this is really obnoxious! How long is it gonna last?
Zecora: ...uuuuuuuuuu...
Rainbow Dash: ...aaaaaaaaaah.
Zecora: Okay, guys, you're cursed now.
Rainbow Dash: Aw, man. I tried to fight her, but she was just too powerful.
Zecora: Where'd all this fog come from?
Twilight Sparkle: Someone care to explain what the heck was that?
Zecora: Oh, hi, bunny! You want to be cursed?
Rainbow Dash: I was locked in a deadly conflict.
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, I bet you were. Still, that does kinda remind me of this interesting story I heard once. There were these two wizards: an evil one named Sham-Taku and a good one named Toggaf. Toggaf was named as such because his dad thought it would be a funny surprise when he learned to spell his name backwards in school. So anyway, these two wizards were mortal enemies, and one day Toggaf managed to track down Taku at an old inn somewhere. Toggaf burst into Taku's room and challenged him to a duel of magic. Of course they both paralyzed one another's bodies instantly, but they couldn't crush each other's minds. They laid there on the floor for two days fighting one another in a battle of pure concentration. The cleaning maid came in and tidied up the place without realizing that she was stepping in between an epic battle of good versus evil. And anyway, the point of this story that I feel like that maid, except instead of a battle between two wizards, it was more like a battle between two completely stupid ponies.
Applejack: Well, I yelled at a zebra, so my day's checklist is all cleaned up.
Twilight Sparkle: I honestly can't believe you guys let me finish that story without interrupting—
Applejack: I suppose we should all just get home.
Pinkie Pie: Hi, Twilight! I'm in your dream! You must listen carefully! Ooh... Wait! Blah-blah-blah-blah-woooooh...
Twilight Sparkle: Well, I suppose it's time to embrace today's newest horrors and curses... Dammit!
Twilight Sparkle: What kind of stupid curse is this?! I expected bats to fly out of my butt or something! I could've dealt with that! But this?! This is just stupid! This is the kind of curse that a stupid pony would cast!
Spike: You know what your horn looks like, right?
Twilight Sparkle: Shut up. Just shut up right now.
Pinkie Pie: [incoherent babbling]
Twilight Sparkle: Hi, Pinkie. I see you've let yourself in my house again.
Pinkie Pie: [incoherent babbling]
Twilight Sparkle: Please leave.
[thud]
Rainbow Dash: Oh, hey, guys.
[thud]
Rainbow Dash: How are you guys doing today? You want to hang out or something?
[thud]
Rainbow Dash: Ouch.
[crash]
Rainbow Dash: Oh, hey!
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, good. Now that you've destroyed my door, anyone can just walk on in and oh, look, everyone, it's Rarity!
Rarity: [sarcastically] Oh, hi, Twilight. Oh, nice horn. Don't worry, I'm sure it's never happened to you before.
Twilight Sparkle: Wow. I bet it's gonna be hard getting the guys interested looking like that.
Rarity: No... They just brag about it less afterward.
Applejack: [in high-pitched voice] Twilight, what the hell happened to me?!
Twilight Sparkle: Well, it looks to me like you got tiny and how did you two get in here?!
Applejack: That ain't important. Use your unicorn magic and you fix this right now.
Twilight Sparkle: So, great, it looks like the whole gang is here and – no surprise – everyone actually got cursed.
Rainbow Dash: Man. I got cursed? I thought I just slept on my wings funny, and they got turned around backwards.
Rarity: Oh, Fluttershy just walked in, darling. She seems alright though.
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, of course she's fine. She wasn't there for that whole Zecora thing.
Rarity: No, I'm pretty sure she was there.
Twilight Sparkle: No, I think that was someone else. If it was Fluttershy, then she ought to be cursed too.
Fluttershy: I got a really bad splinter.
Applejack: Y'all got a splinter? That ain't really a curse.
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, you can't just hang out with us if you didn't get cursed.
Fluttershy: No, I was there. I got cursed just like everyone else.
Twilight Sparkle: No, hang on a minute. I remember who was there with us now. It was Daisy.
Rainbow Dash: Wait, her name is Daisy? That's so embarrassing. I've been calling her Fluttershy all this time.
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, you know, good old maisy-headed Daisy.
Rarity: Are you kidding? We never hang out with Daisy.
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah... but... we did yesterday. Oh, hang on a minute. You guys wait here. I'm gonna go clear this up.
Twilight Sparkle: [knocks on door]
[door closes]
Twilight Sparkle: [knocks on door] Hey, Daisy. I was just wondering – have you been cursed?
[door closes]
Twilight Sparkle: [knocks on door] Don't you dare slam that door in my face again.
[door closes]
Twilight Sparkle: Now I remember why we don't hang out with Daisy! It's because she's a flower-peddling mudpony bitch! Now we'll never know who was there because Daisy won't talk and I'm pretty sure that Butterfly would tell us anything just to be part of the group.
Fluttershy: My name is Fluttershy...!
Twilight Sparkle: I know your stupid name!
Fluttershy: No, you don't! All you thought was "Butterfly"!
Twilight Sparkle: What do you mean all I thought was...? [singing loudly] Rubber ducky, you're the one! You make bathtime loads of fun! [continues singing under]
Applejack: Can someone please explain what just happened? Because I think I missed a step.
Fluttershy: Twilight just figured out that I can read her mind, and now she's thinking of a rubber duck.
Applejack: Wait, y'all can read minds? Since when?
Fluttershy: Since I got cursed.
Applejack: Hang on. So I get tiny and you get special mind powers?
Rainbow Dash: Are we gonna form a super team?
Applejack: Fluttershy's the only one with superpowers.
Rainbow Dash: Well, you're super-tiny and my wings are super-backwards. That's pretty super.
Fluttershy: No, it's not a power, it's a curse! I can't control it, and now I know that all the guys think really gross things about me!
Rarity: That sounds like a superpower to me.
Fluttershy: You were gonna invite me to dinner, surprise me with dates, and then guilt-trip me into a foursome!
Rainbow Dash: That's so cool! Do me next!
Fluttershy: You're thinking of a rubber duck in a top hat.
Rainbow Dash: And he's got a monocle 'cause he's rich.
Applejack: Fluttershy, listen to me. You have to use these powers for good. You need to kill Zecora!
Apple Bloom: Can I have a coloring book?
Fluttershy: You want me to kill Zecora by reading her mind?
Applejack: No! I want y'all to kill Zecora with a shovel! I'm too tiny for it now, so you got to be my shovel-swingin' hooves!
Twilight Sparkle: [stops singing] I will swing the shovel!
[didgeridoo music]
Zecora: Hello, soup. I love soup.
Twilight Sparkle: Alright, does everyone know their positions?
Fluttershy: You didn't give me a position.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, you're bright yellow. You'll give us away.
Fluttershy: Pinkie got a position.
Twilight Sparkle: What? Do you want Pinkie's position? Do you want Pinkie not to have a position?
Fluttershy: No...
Twilight Sparkle: Well, what do you want then?
Fluttershy: I don't know...
Twilight Sparkle: Well, then I don't know either! Seriously... Firefly, you could learn to be a little more considerate.
Fluttershy: I'm sorry...
Twilight Sparkle: It's alright. Is everyone else ready?
Zecora: I'm cursing the soup.
Twilight Sparkle: Commence the rainbow suicide attack!
[crash]
Zecora: [???] ponies!
Twilight Sparkle: Surrender now for a swift death!
Zecora: Loofahs are more good for your skin, but a more terrible foe than I've ever known!
Twilight Sparkle: What about loofahs?
Rarity: Ask her how to cure the damn curse!
Twilight Sparkle: How do you cure the damn curse?! I would've asked her on my own. Tell us how!
Zecora: In my expert opinion, it was voodoo apparently.
Twilight Sparkle: We know it was voodoo! How do you make the voodoo go away?!
Zecora: The cure is nudity.
Twilight Sparkle: But I'm already naked!
Zecora: You must take a bath together.
[beat]
Twilight Sparkle: Hit her with the shovel.
Fluttershy: I forgot to bring it.
Twilight Sparkle: Dammit, you had one job. You win this round, Zecora.
Zecora: Do you guys have a loofah?
Apple Bloom: Can I color now?


Episode 8

     
Twilight Sparkle: I'm gonna be honest, Spike. You totally dropped the ball on this one.
Spike: Well, it's hard to warn you about anything with you whining incessantly for the past two weeks about that limp horn of yours. And we even figured out that all you had to do to lift the curse was perform a kindness for someone. But would you do it? Nae! Twilight Sparkle doesn't play by the curse's rules! She does things her own way!
Twilight Sparkle: And yet the fact remains that I'm still the boss. So I guess that means that you should clean up.
Spike: We're in this together!
Twilight Sparkle: Nope. You're in this together. I'm going outside.
Twilight Sparkle: Hey, how's it going? Just doing my Pinkie rounds.
Mrs. Cake: There.
Twilight Sparkle: Pinkie! Who the heck let you near the food?! If you try to poison any of it, Celestia will know!
Pinkie Pie: Oh, Twilight, you think you know me so well. Poison is old hat; I've done that before. For a special day today, Pinkie thinks outside the box.
Fluttershy: Hi, Pinkie!
Pinkie Pie: Aah! And here comes the box!
Fluttershy: Oh. I see Twilight's here.
Twilight Sparkle: Okay, so your plan involves thinking beyond the confines of Bumblefly. That's probably for the best.
Pinkie Pie: It is not what is in the Bumblefly, but what is on the Bumblefly.
Fluttershy: Wow, I'm the center of attention. Pinkie gave me this adorable little round thing with big eyes. I don't know what it is, but it's like a baby.
Twilight Sparkle: Augh, you gave her a parasprite? And she's been walking around town with this thing? Do you have any idea how expensive the shampoo is to get rid of those?
Fluttershy: Why would I want to get rid of them?
Twilight Sparkle: Actually, don't. You should keep 'em. And come to think of it, you mind if I borrow one?
Fluttershy: Borrow?
Twilight Sparkle: Well, you'll never see it again. But it doesn't matter anyway because I'm not asking you; I'm telling you. I'm taking this thing.
Zecora: Whoa!
[crash]
Twilight Sparkle: Hey, Zecora. I know we're not exactly on good terms because last time we met, I tried to have you killed with a shovel. But I just wanted to let you know that I feel like bygones should be bygones. And it occurred to me that you live up here entirely by yourself and that nobody likes you. So I got you this thing. It looks like candy, but it isn't, so don't eat it. So yeah, that's yours now. You just enjoy that.
Twilight Sparkle: Why is this banner misspelled, and why is it written in crayon? Oh. You guys are Earth ponies. Well, look, do you have some kind of infernal death wish or something? You can't just go around misspelling banners all willy-nilly like a bunch of deranged chimpanzees.
Golden Harvest: But I have to write with my mouth, and I can't see what I'm doing.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, you'll have a harder time seeing what you're doing without any eyes!
Golden Harvest: Can't I just wave to Celestia?
Twilight Sparkle: No! One time, she told one of her advisors that she was gonna kill the other. Because the two were friends, of course the one in danger found out. Celestia poured molten silver in the throat of the pony that told the secret, and then she poured molten silver in the ears of the pony that got warned!
Golden Harvest: Well, at least he got molten silver instead of being executed—
Twilight Sparkle: And then she executed both of them!
Golden Harvest: Oh. Well, that sucks for them.
Twilight Sparkle: Just fix the banner!
Rarity: Dash, you need to stop prancing around.
Rainbow Dash: You told me the hat would give me magic powers!
Rarity: I said no such thing.
Rainbow Dash: Well, I thought the hat would give me magic powers.
Rarity: The only magic power you're gonna get is a kick in the face if you don't shut up.
Rainbow Dash: So what happens after I get kicked in the face? Do I turn into Batmare?
Twilight Sparkle: Hey, guys. Whatcha doin'?
Rarity: Don't you have something better to be doing, Twilight?
Twilight Sparkle: No. Hey, I was just wondering. You wouldn't happen to have any of that parasprite shampoo just laying around, would you?
Rarity: Are you kidding? That stuff costs more per ounce than gold.
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, I know. It's still on patent. I just figured if anyone were an expert on colorful balls, it'd be you.
Rarity: Why do you need it?
Twilight Sparkle: Fluttershy has parasprites.
Rarity: So?
[beat]
Twilight Sparkle: That is an ugly outfit.
Rarity: Go away.
Twilight Sparkle: Wow, Spike really went all out in cleaning this place. I might even have to thank him. Wait. Nah. Then he'd get a big head. Wow, I sure have been talking to myself a lot lately. I'm gonna have to check the [???] and see if that's some kind of diagnosable mental disorder. Oh, well. I'm sure that'll wait for tomorrow.
Spike: You get in this bucket right now! The garbage mare comes in about fifteen minutes, and I'm putting you outside!
Twilight Sparkle: Spike?! [groan]
Spike: Go back to bed! I'm not ready yet!
Twilight Sparkle: What did you do and why did you do it?!
Spike: I dunno, but I'm trying to fix it! Just go back to bed for ten more minutes!
Twilight Sparkle: If this isn't cleaned up by the time Celestia arrives, I'm telling her you're responsible!
Rainbow Dash: Hey. Hey. Hey! Get off or I'm gonna try a curse! Blaaaaaaah...
Pinkie Pie: Hello, Rarity. Today is the day that the time of judgment comes. You are unclean! Yes. Do not worry, Rarity. We will track down whoever is responsible for this together. I bet it was that yellow Fluttershy!
Rarity: Pinkie, I have two questions for you. Did you fill my house full of parasprites? And I am going to shove a curling iron down your crazy pink throat!
Pinkie Pie: You don't trust Pinkie?! I am being discriminated! This is because Pinkie is an Earth pink pony!
Rarity: Last week, I caught you spray-painting the word "ass" all over my windows, and you told me it was Fluttershy.
Pinkie Pie: It was! And you are an ass!
Rarity: And then there was the time when I caught you in my room replacing all my condoms with live cobras, and you told me that was Fluttershy.
Pinkie Pie: That is just the kind of thing that she would do!
Rarity: And then there was that time when you stole my sewing machine and left Fluttershy dressed up as a burglar tied and gagged in my living room.
Pinkie Pie: It seems Fluttershy gets blamed for a lot of things around here.
Rarity: What I think it seems is that when Celestia gets here, I'm going to report you. So good luck with that, lunatic.
Pinkie Pie: Well, I am changing my name to Fluttershy! So it is you who will be needing good luck! Yes.
Rarity: Hey. Oh, great. I see that you got a visit from Fluttershy too.
Twilight Sparkle: [groan] It was Fluttershy? I knew it!
Rarity: Actually, I'm pretty sure it was Pinkie.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, we can't rule out Spike either 'cause I already blamed him for it. Also, it could've been Zecora 'cause I sort of put a parasprite in her house. But if we're lucky, she could be dead though, 'cause she did fall on her head and I didn't ask if she was okay.
Rarity: Wait a minute. You had a parasprite and then you were wandering all around town?
Twilight Sparkle: I had one parasprite.
Rarity: What color was it?
Twilight Sparkle: Uh, blue.
Rarity: And what color was the one you left at Zecora's?
Twilight Sparkle: Blue. Look, let's just go rough up Stutterfly.
Twilight Sparkle: The hell is wrong with you?!
Fluttershy: I don't know...! I just kept thinking that all I would need is one more parasprite to make me happy.
Twilight Sparkle: Okay, I was just playing it cool because we still had plenty of time before Celestia got here. But now things are getting just a little bit serious. I think what we need now is for Rainbow Dash to make a tornado.
Rainbow Dash: No way. I'm not doing that.
Twilight Sparkle: Why?!
Rainbow Dash: Do you realize how much paperwork I have to fill out after I do a tornado? Oh, my God, it's endless!
Applejack: Hey, y'all.
Rainbow Dash: I mean, for one thing, I gotta hold the pencil in my mouth and I can never see what I'm doing.
Applejack: What's everypony doin'?
Rainbow Dash: And then they make me do it all over again 'cause I stamp things in the wrong places. They tell me, "Dash, you can't just smear this thing in rainbows and then call that your signature."
Applejack: Why are y'all covered in parasprites?
Rainbow Dash: But it's my signature. I should be able to do that if I want. But they say it's not really something they're in control of, it's a federal thing... So, you know.
Applejack: How come every time I run into you guys, there's some kind of problem?
Rainbow Dash: I guess I could complain to someone higher up, but I don't really know who to go to.
Applejack: Let me guess – y'all are just standing around bickering again. Why don't y'all try solvin' a problem instead of just fightin' with each other?
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, thanks, "Calamity Jane". We're working on it.
Applejack: Ain't Celestia comin' by today?
Twilight Sparkle: [sarcastically] Hey, everyone! Thank God AJ's here! She's probably got some brilliant plans to help stop the parasprites!
Rainbow Dash: I mean, I guess all the regulations and paperwork... [continues under]
Applejack: Well, y'all certainly ain't doin' anything productive.
Twilight Sparkle: [sarcastically] No-no-no-no. Everyone, everyone, let's all stop bickering and hear what AJ has to say about how we can solve our problem.
Applejack: Well... have y'all tried herdin'?
Twilight Sparkle: Herding? Seriously? That's your solution? There's thousands of flying insects the size of grapefruits, and you want us to try and herd them?
Applejack: Well, y'all didn't give me much time to think!
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, yeah, sure. What else were you gonna suggest? Cow milking? Corn shucking? Crop dusting?
Applejack: Actually... dusting's probably a real good idea.
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, yeah. I was just gonna keep insulting you, but come to think of it, that's probably right.
Applejack: Yeah. I'll go round up some Pegasi, and... Oh! Well, that pesticide's still on patent. It's probably gonna be expensive.
Twilight Sparkle: No kidding? The pesticide is still on patent too?
Applejack: Yeah, they reformulated it.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, maybe we can bring it up with city council and we'll get some extra funding.
Applejack: I hate city council.
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, I know, me too. But hey, check it out. A little bit of bickering actually did get us somewhere.
Applejack: Alright, you got me.
Twilight Sparkle: I mean, can you imagine what that would've been like if we all agreed on the first thing you suggested right away? We never would've been able to herd all those things correctly. We would've wasted hours of time. This is much more practical.
Applejack: I agree.
Twilight Sparkle: Good. Then shut up.
Pinkie Pie: This is not my fault!
Twilight Sparkle: Hi. And I know it's not your fault. You don't have to shout it at me.
Pinkie Pie: So you do not suspect?
Twilight Sparkle: Look, when a filly sticks her head in the alligator's mouth, you blame the yellow one.
Pinkie Pie: That is what I say. You are a unicorn!
Twilight Sparkle: I know! Come on, everyone. Let's get back to Ponyville and sweep this under the rug before it gets too late.
Pinkie Pie: Wait! Pinkie is not having any confusing feelings right now at all and I really feel like you should know! Yes. Yes. Pinkie does not need you!
Golden Harvest: Meeeeeep!
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, my God. Oh, my God! She wasn't scheduled for another four hours!
[mariachi music playing]
Twilight Sparkle: Pinkie! Would you mind not doing that while my life is busy flashing before my eyes?!
Princess Celestia: [in deep, Cockney-accented voice] Well, well, well. If it isn't Twilight Sparkle. How's them weedy Earthy ponies treatin' ya?
Rainbow Dash: Is that the queen? I thought she'd be fatter.
Princess Celestia: : Hm. Well, who's this then?
Twilight Sparkle: Well, this is my... [thinking] No! Don't own her, Twilight! If you own her, she's your responsibility! [out loud] ...Rarity's friend.
Princess Celestia: This is your "Rarity's friend"?
Twilight Sparkle: [thinking] You can save this, Twilight. Think of a lie. [out loud] Yes. Rarity is my bitch.
Princess Celestia: So you're telling me your bitch's friend can't tell who I am?
Twilight Sparkle: [thinking] Oh, God... Oh, God...! You can save this, Twilight! You can save this! [out loud] I dunno. [thinking] No! Nooo! That was wrong! So wrong!
Princess Celestia: You don't know?
Twilight Sparkle: I do know!
Princess Celestia: Then you lied to me?
Twilight Sparkle: [mental panicked screaming]
Princess Celestia: And what's all this then with the parasprites?
Twilight Sparkle: It's a parade! In your honor!
Princess Celestia: You think I'm stupid?
Twilight Sparkle: [mental panicked screaming] [out loud] Spike got a parasprite infestation and spread it to the whole town!
Princess Celestia: You know, the old "fall of the favorite" ploy is best used on the masses, my most favorite student...
Twilight Sparkle: [thinking] Oh, God! It wasn't really your fault, Twilight! It was... It was... Aah! What was the yellow one's name?!?
Princess Celestia: Will you stop all that screamin'?!
Twilight Sparkle: [thinking and singing] Rubber ducky, you're the one! Who makes bathtime loads of fun!
Princess Celestia: Well, I'm really more interested in the wreckin' than the rebuildin'. Looks like there's nothing left to wreck here, so I suppose I'll see you again, faithful student. [to royal guards] Get movin', you filthy gits!


Episode 9

     
Mayor Mare: Why, hello, everyone. Now, as you're all aware, last year's Winter Wrap Up was a catastrophic failure! And now it's my wittle job to make sure we don't screw up again. That means that everyone is enlisted, and I'm not taking any bribes this time! Of course, I'm not gonna be doing any actual leadership. That's for those chumps over there! [in singsong] Now get looooost!
Rainbow Dash: Okay, guys. You go and get the paperwork.
Twilight Sparkle: Hey, chump.
Rainbow Dash: Oh, hey, Twilight. Oh, my gosh, did you catch our musical number this morning? It was friggin' awesome! First we were all like "spring is here", and then we sang the recycling song. [singing] "C-O-S-O-R-V-E, recycle!"
Twilight Sparkle: I was busy studying geometry last night. So when I went to bed, a strange creature that was half-rat, half-cricket and with the face of a pony came for me and took me to the place where all points converge. I woke up at 1:00 in the afternoon in my attic with no real recollection of how I got there. So no, I didn't catch your musical number.
Rainbow Dash: Math is hard.
Twilight Sparkle: It is when you're a coward.
Rainbow Dash: I mean, who cares about the difference between isosceles and rhombus triangles? Anyway, I'll catch you later, Twilight.
Twilight Sparkle: Pinkie Pie! There you are. How is my favorite pink friend doing?
Pinkie Pie: Your favorite pink friend?
Twilight Sparkle: Yup. You're the one. One and only.
Pinkie Pie: When Pinkie required love potion, she was the enemy!
Twilight Sparkle: Okay, we're not friends, but I do need something.
Pinkie Pie: Well, Pinkie has her prices.
Twilight Sparkle: You don't even know what I want yet.
Pinkie Pie: [chuckles] You want the antidote. Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: Uh, yeah, I probably will want that when I figure out what I need it for. But right now though, I need some holy water. All the shops are closed because of this Winter Wrap Up thing, and I'm pretty sure I'm gonna need some before I go to sleep again tonight.
Pinkie Pie: What makes you think Pinkie has holy water?
Twilight Sparkle: Do you have some?
Pinkie Pie: Who told you?!
Twilight Sparkle: What would I have to do to get some?
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie desires justice! Bring Pinkie the head of the yellow one, and then you will be ready! Yes. Yes!
Twilight Sparkle: I'm not gonna kill Marigold for you.
Pinkie Pie: Okay. Okay! Pinkie Pie understands. You are still biding your time. Yes. But you must still prove your allegiance.
Twilight Sparkle: I dunno. What if I just... tease her 'til she cries or something?
Pinkie Pie: Very well. Pinkie allows it.
Twilight Sparkle: Whatever. I'll be back.
Twilight Sparkle: Hey, "Fat-abella". Nice ass.
Fluttershy: [echoing] My name is Fluttershy...!
Twilight Sparkle: I know your name. I was making fun of how huge and unattractive you are.
Fluttershy: [echoing] Oh.
Twilight Sparkle: What the heck are you doing?
Fluttershy: [echoing] Trying to get the animals to come out.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, they're probably terrified of your ugly face!
Fluttershy: [echoing] I know. I'm sorry. [speaking normally] My special talent is being good with animals.
Twilight Sparkle: No, the thing you're best at is working with animals, but you totally suck at it. Doesn't that just make you want to cry?
Fluttershy: Yes...
Twilight Sparkle: Well, are you gonna?
Fluttershy: When I get home.
Twilight Sparkle: Could you do it right now maybe?
Fluttershy: I don't want to bother anyone—
Twilight Sparkle: Hey, lard ass.
Fluttershy: [frustrated] What?
Twilight Sparkle: The reason I came to see you was because I got a letter and your grandma died.
Fluttershy: Gram-Gram? Oh, no... Was it peaceful at least?
Twilight Sparkle: No, she was ripped apart by a manticore. The whole time she kept screaming, "If only Humblefly were here to save me!" But you just weren't there.
Fluttershy: That's the same way my other grandma died.
Twilight Sparkle: [chuckles] Wow. Really? Holy crap.
Spike: Could you just tell her what you want her to do?
Twilight Sparkle: Alright, look, would you just go cry in front of Pinkie?
Fluttershy: Do I have to?
Twilight Sparkle: Do you have any holy water?
Fluttershy: No.
Twilight Sparkle: Then yes.
Fluttershy: Oh... Am I doing a favor?
Twilight Sparkle: No, you're following an order.
Fluttershy: Well... um... could you do me a favor?
Twilight Sparkle: You are my least favorite pony in the world.
Fluttershy: Well, I think you're pretty neat.
Twilight Sparkle: [groan] Will you go cry in front of Pinkie if I do your favor?
Fluttershy: Okay.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, tell me what you want, and it'd better be a kick to the liver.
Fluttershy: I loaned Rarity my hairbrush about a year ago, and I don't want to be rude, but I think she forgot.
Twilight Sparkle: Get a new hairbrush.
Fluttershy: I really liked my old one.
Twilight Sparkle: You haven't seen it in a year.
Fluttershy: Please?
Twilight Sparkle: You know, you deserve to be miserable.
Fluttershy: I know...! I'm sorry...!
Twilight Sparkle: I'll be back.
Twilight Sparkle: Hey, Rarity. I see you're... doing... something.
Rarity: I'm making birds' nests, dear.
Twilight Sparkle: By yourself?
Rarity: Well, they asked me if I needed help, and I told them, "How many unicorns does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
Twilight Sparkle and Rarity: "Where's a good horse-fly when you need them?"
Rarity: Oh, you've heard that one already.
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah. Make Rainbow Dash do it.
Rarity: Basically, I figured how many unicorns should it take to build a hundred bird nests? Turns out more than one apparently.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, if you could use magic...
Rarity: Right. If I could use magic, then it would be spring already.
Twilight Sparkle: But there's a lot of this tradition clout...
Rarity: Exactly! Not that it makes much sense. Celestia initiates a magical winter on a whim, and then we clean it up with shovels, like... like...
Twilight Sparkle: Like a Mesohippus.
Rarity: A what?
Twilight Sparkle: Prehistoric horse.
Rarity: Oh, I knew that. I thought you said hippocampus.
Twilight Sparkle: That's part of your brain.
Rarity: Wasn't it a...?
Twilight Sparkle: Also, it's a seahorse kind of thing.
Rarity: I meant Hippocrates.
Twilight Sparkle: Famous philosopher.
Rarity: Hippocephalic.
Twilight Sparkle: Means "horse-headed".
Rarity: Hypocritical.
Twilight Sparkle: Come on, you know that one.
Rarity: Hypothetical.
Twilight Sparkle: Alright, now you're just jerking with me.
Rarity: I am. So you want to help me out?
Twilight Sparkle: No! If I wanted to do manual labor, I wouldn't need Spike.
Spike: I'm not building any nests! The birds might get the wrong idea!
Rarity: There's nothing wrong with what the birds do in the privacy of their own nests.
Spike: That's not what I meant.
Twilight Sparkle: Is there any way you could set traps in the grackle nests?
Rarity: This is already tedious enough.
Twilight Sparkle: You've only finished one.
Rarity: Well, I was thinking about distracting some stallions to do the rest. Then I thought I might do my own nest-related activities.
Spike: You got more wrong ideas than the birds!
Twilight Sparkle: In a town with a female-to-male ratio of ten-to-one, how do you always wind up with ten on one?
Rarity: I meant that I was gonna redecorate my boutique.
Twilight Sparkle: Oh.
Rarity: That's right! I feel like I deserve an apology.
Twilight Sparkle: No!
Rarity: Well, then go away.
Twilight Sparkle: You go away!
Rarity: I was here before you!
Twilight Sparkle: Hey, I can't remember why I need this, but can I borrow a hairbrush?
Rarity: Well, that depends. What's it worth to you?
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, yeah. I'm gonna trade it for holy water.
Rarity: What do you need with holy water?
Twilight Sparkle: I think a tiny, evil creature is living in my attic. It likes geometry. And Satan.
Rarity: Alright, fine. You finish these bird nests and I'll give you a brand new hairbrush.
Twilight Sparkle: All of 'em? No way! Can we haggle?
Rarity: Fine. Help me finish half of them and I'll give you a slightly used brush that's still in good condition.
Twilight Sparkle: Deal.
[construction sounds]
Rarity: What are you doing?! That's not a proper nest!
Twilight Sparkle: What are you talking about? This is exactly what a bird's nest looks like.
Rarity: It's ugly!
Twilight Sparkle: Birds don't know the difference!
Rarity: But I do!
Twilight Sparkle: They're gonna poop in it!
Rarity: Well, I want them to fight over mine.
Twilight Sparkle: They'll fight over mine too. Birds are stupid animals when it comes to this kind of thing.
Rarity: I don't care. You remake that thing this instant!
Twilight Sparkle: But we're gonna be here all day if we make them all neat and tidy. Plus, you know what they're gonna do? They're gonna tear up the good nests that you make and use them to build ugly nests.
Spike: It's true I've seen them do it.
Rarity: You know what? Forget it! If you want a hairbrush, then go find Applejack and tell her to spare me some boys so I can get this done!
Twilight Sparkle: Dammit, fine! I'll be back.
Twilight Sparkle: Applejack, I need boys. Like a team of them.
Applejack: You need what? Oh, my God! Is it your time of the season already?! You just sit in the snow and think about Granny Apple shavin' her legs! I'll go and I'll get a bucket of ice water!
Twilight Sparkle: What? Oh! No! I'm just doing a favor for Rarity.
Applejack: Rarity. Well, that was my second guess.
Twilight Sparkle: So hand over some guys.
Applejack: Do I even wanna ask?
Twilight Sparkle: Rarity's building a nest.
Applejack: Is that some kind of double entendre?
Twilight Sparkle: So you get to hire the whole bachelor herd and just tell them to plow your fields all day?
Applejack: Hey! Ain't nobody's fields gettin' plowed out here!
Twilight Sparkle: Well, I guess not. These guys are all over the place. I don't think that they could put their seeds in a hole if you explained it to 'em.
Applejack: Would y'all stop it already?
Twilight Sparkle: I just mean I can't tell what the hell they're trying to do.
Applejack: Yeah, it is a little disorganized this year.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, why? Aren't you the one in charge?
Applejack: Yeah.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, then it's your fault.
Applejack: Well, I'm tryin' a different strategy this year. Normally I just tell 'em what to do. But this time, I'm tryin' to get them all unified through the power of friendship. I figure I'll just let 'em do whatever, and their interpersonal bonds will bring 'em together and help 'em get things done. I learned it from watchin' cartoons with Apple Bloom.
Twilight Sparkle: Is that working?
Applejack: No! Everypony's tryin' to kill each other!
Twilight Sparkle: I guess at this point, maybe killing somepony is the only way to get things back on track.
Applejack: I can't believe those cartoons lied to me. Oh, they were so darn cute when they were singin' about it.
Twilight Sparkle: So you got some stallions for me or what?
Applejack: What are you gettin' outta helpin' Rarity?
Twilight Sparkle: A used hairbrush.
Applejack: Well, if all y'all need is a hairbrush, I can loan ya one, darlin'.
Twilight Sparkle: Oh. Yeah, okay. Give me a hairbrush.
Twilight Sparkle: I still don't understand why I had to wear ice skates for this!
[thud]
Pinkie Pie: You must meet Pinkie on her chosen terrain.
Twilight Sparkle: I don't know how to skate!
[thud]
Pinkie Pie: Look at this. Pinkie then has the advantage.
Twilight Sparkle: Give me my holy water!
[thud]
Pinkie Pie: You were to procure misery from the miserable Fluttershy. An easy task if Pinkie were to remark. Yes. But instead... you return with a hairbrush!
Twilight Sparkle: No! I know hairbrush fits prominently into the equation here!
[thud]
Pinkie Pie: It is okay. You do not need to excuse to Pinkie. Yes. She forgives your crime. But... she does not provide her end of the deal!
Twilight Sparkle: Pinkie!
[thud]
Twilight Sparkle: You're a complete bitch!
[thud]
Pinkie Pie: [chuckles] Enjoy your misery.
Applejack: Rainbow Dash, you tell your weather team to hurry up and get this snow melted.
Rainbow Dash: Okay.
Fluttershy: Please don't! All the animals will... will drown in the flood if the snow melts too fast!
Rainbow Dash: Okay.
Applejack: All the animals will be fine. You hurry up and you melt that snow pronto!
Fluttershy: Okay. I guess you can just do whatever Applejack wants. It doesn't even matter.
Rainbow Dash: Guys, I can't actually control how hot it gets. I mean, I'll tell the weather teams that you want it be warmer and that the animals will drown, but that's about all I can do.
Applejack: Can't y'all just move the clouds out the way so more sun will get through?
Rainbow Dash: Well, sure, but we're on a tight schedule. You could probably fill out some forms to get a rush job, but after you fill them out, they've gotta be processed and approved. Really, I mean, we're doing it today, so if you want to just wait, it's gonna happen in an hour one way or the other. I'm not filling out a tardiness report, so just, really, you know, it's-it's probably gonna happen.
Mayor Mare: Oh, ponies, ponies. The mayor's doing her best to take a nap over here. Could you all just please pipe down a little?!
Fluttershy: Um, could I maybe get some help with my job?
Mayor Mare: I gave you all such a wonderfully inspiring little speech. How much more could you want from your humble-wumble mayor?
Rainbowshine: Meep-meep-meep-meep-meep-meep-meep. (Why don't you increased our annual raises?)
Mayor Mare: I'm not paying you anything!
Rainbow Dash: Whoa! W-We're not getting paid?!
Mayor Mare: I gave you your vests. What more could you want?
Twilight Sparkle: [thinking] Wait a minute. I recognize this style of leadership. [out loud] Everyone! I agree with the mayor! She is great and you are not! How can you not be motivated by her great speech this morning?
Mayor Mare: Ooh, finally! Someone is making some sense over here!
Twilight Sparkle: Yes, that's right! I agree with the insecure pony in power! I am now the favorite!
Mayor Mare: Oh-ho. I should make you a special vest. [chuckles]
Twilight Sparkle: Uh, great idea as always, Mayor. But I actually have a list of demands prepared that'll make you look great and that will reward me at the same time.
Mayor Mare: [sarcastically] Oh, goody...
Twilight Sparkle: First, I want a puppy.
Mayor Mare: Oh, sorry. We're fresh out.
Twilight Sparkle: Okay. Then I want some holy water.
Mayor Mare: Done!
Twilight Sparkle: I want Rarity to admit that I'm prettier than she is.
Mayor Mare: Well, aren't you just a wittle dreamer...
Twilight Sparkle: My parents say I'm pretty in my own way.
Mayor Mare: Oh-ho-ho!
Twilight Sparkle: My face is pretty damn symmetrical, and that is an objective measure of beauty!
Mayor Mare: Heh. If you say so.
Twilight Sparkle: We could have an official day celebrating that the mayor and Twilight are the prettiest ponies in Ponyville.
Mayor Mare: Ooh! Well, why didn't you just say? That's something that I can really get behind!
Twilight Sparkle: That's right! Twilight wins again!
Twilight Sparkle: And of course Rarity had some nasty things to say about that, but I didn't care, because officially now, I am one of the prettiest ponies in Ponyville!
Spike: I was there for it.
Twilight Sparkle: And best of all, we got the holy water, so we're safe from the thing in my attic!
Thrackerzod: [speaking backwards]
Twilight Sparkle: I'm gonna name him Taz! Today was just the best day! Good night, Taz!
Thrackerzod: [speaking backwards]


Episode 10

     
Cheerilee: And so, when the griffons struck at the heart of Equestria, our great leader burned the cities and abandoned them, demanding a winter be descended over the land. Then, with their armies trapped in the cold, the god-princess forged into their territory, burning their food, killing their families, and raping their land of provisions to feed her mighty armies. This act not only cut off communications to the higher-ups at home, but when the griffon armies returned from the front, they found themselves without food or family. The effects of Celestia's strategy were so devastating...
Diamond Tiara: Pssst!
Cheerilee: ...the griffons are now an endangered species, facing the threat of extinction. Apple Bloom! Are you passing a note during a lecture on our glorious god-leader?
Apple Bloom: Uh, no.
Cheerilee: Then what is that piece of paper on the floor?
Apple Bloom: I... had to blow my nose.
Cheerilee: Oh. Well, use a tissue next time. Go ahead then. Blow your nose so that we can move on with our next lesson.
Apple Bloom: Um, I don't have to anymore. You startled the sneeze right out of me.
Diamond Tiara: Meep meep. (Nice save, mud-pony.)
Twist: ["Thmeep, thmeep, thmeep", etc.] (And that's when I looked at them-)
Apple Bloom: Yeah.
Twist: (And I just giggled at them, you know, like in the song.)
Apple Bloom: What song?
Twist: (Giggle at the Griefers! It's so smart, and so practical to real life!)
Apple Bloom: Did that work?
Twist: (They dipped me in molasses anyway, but I bet they sure felt silly!)
Apple Bloom: Twist, this has been a long time comin', and I need to tell ya – you are the worst pony. And maybe the dumbest. I know we've had a great time over this past week. You know, since we started hangin' out. But I just can't overlook the fact that I honestly hate everything about you. I thought if I tried likin' you, then you might turn out like broccoli and cheese. But it turns out you're worse than broccoli. So look, we just can't be friends anymore, even if that means I have... no friends at all.
Rainbow Dash: Hey. Looks like somebody got a visit from the Depression Clown!
Apple Bloom: His brightly-colored pants keep fallin' down, and nobody ever laughs.
Rainbow Dash: What's the matter, kiddo?
Apple Bloom: I just broke things off with my only friend, and now I have no friends.
Rainbow Dash: Oh, well, why'd you do that?
Apple Bloom: My only friend was Twist.
Rainbow Dash: Oh. I'm sorry.
Apple Bloom: Now I'm gonna grow up to be just like Twilight Sparkle!
Rainbow Dash: Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. Twilight is just under a lot of stress because she's the queen's daughter. But deep down, I think she's pretty cool.
Apple Bloom: She's the who's what now?
Rainbow Dash: Yup. Crowns are pretty expensive though. I think they keep them in museums most of the time, you know? Well, anyway, you and I probably shouldn't be left alone together or I'm bound to get in trouble with someone.
Apple Bloom: Why's that?
Rainbow Dash: It's not that I don't like kids or anything. In fact, I think that maybe I like them a little too much. Also, I might be allergic to morphine.
Apple Bloom: Should... Should I find a police officer?
Rainbow Dash: Like, this one time, I was supposed to be watching my cousin's kid, and her kid wanted to try eating ice cream for dinner. And you know, I thought I never really tried that before. Kids have good ideas sometimes. But then I got all hyperactive and I did a bunch of tricks to impress her, but then I crashed and broke both my wings and all four legs, and she started throwing up because she had too much ice cream. And when I woke up in the hospital, I wasn't allowed to watch my cousin's kids anymore.
Apple Bloom: Your cousin's daughter got to eat ice cream for dinner?! That sounds fantastic!
Rainbow Dash: It was great at the time.
Apple Bloom: Well, I just had a great idea. I've never had a grown-up friend before. Do you wanna be my new friend?
Rainbow Dash: Are you kidding? That sounds awesome!
[Singer] (to the tune of The Turtles' "Happy Together")
Imagine them and blue, I do
Keep up on your insurance bills, she'll get you killed
She'll take you sliding down the stairs, a parent's fears
She's not good with children
She'll let you use the stove, if you could know
That she would be your sad demise and never cries
She hasn't got such watchful eyes, it makes me cry
She's not good with children
I can't see this ending so well for you
For your young life
You'll be lucky nobody dies and that's true
In your young life
Rainbow Dash: Okay. So "when the first party goes to hide, the second party known as the 'seeker' begins counting to a number prefer-ably a [mispronouncing] 'mull-tie-pull' of ten". Hey, kid, what's a "mull-tie-pull"? Ohhh! "Multiple"! Oh, okay! Oh, my gosh, am I gonna have to do math?
Pinkie Pie: Hello! Pinkie knows a game that you would enjoy! Yes.
Rainbow Dash: Oh, hey, Pinkie Pie.
Pinkie Pie: You want to make cupcakes?
Apple Bloom: Cupcakes?! Lady, you are speakin' my language! See ya later, Rainbow Dash!
Apple Bloom: I am ready for those cupcakes! Where are they at?
Pinkie Pie: First you have to make them. And then you have to eat them.
Apple Bloom: Oh. Well, bakin' cupcakes sounds fun.
Pinkie Pie: It is fun for me. But today we are businessponies. We do not bake for fun, but for purpose.
Apple Bloom: Are these gonna be for somepony? Did I just get roped into manual labor?
Pinkie Pie: Yes. We are making contraband cupcakes! Yes.
Apple Bloom: What's "contraband"?
Pinkie Pie: We will smuggle the cupcakes across the border. In our tummies. It is practice for when Pinkie goes to Canterlot, and that is a secret. I trust you. Yes. What she cannot trust is the food there! They will try to assassinate Pinkie! Pinkie has enemies in high places.
Apple Bloom: So y'all intend to sneak food into Canterlot by eatin' it before you go?
Pinkie Pie: No one will suspect!
Apple Bloom: Okay. Whatever I have to agree with to get those cupcakes.
Pinkie Pie: [munching]
Apple Bloom: [munching] Pleah! These taste terrible! Can't I try makin' some with the cookbook?
Pinkie Pie: That is how they control you!
Twilight Sparkle: Hey, you guys haven't seen a tiny, evil creature running around, have you? I lost track of Taz. So you guys should probably keep an eye out for ponies that are speaking in tongues, spinning their heads around, or vomiting pea soup. I'd tell you to keep an eye out for weird behavior too, but in this town...
Pinkie Pie: [laughing]
Twilight Sparkle: ...seems like kind of a waste of time.
Apple Bloom: Twilight Sparkle! I heard you used your political influence to get named the prettiest pony in Ponyville.
Twilight Sparkle: You're Applejack's kid, right?
Apple Bloom: Why don't you use your political influence to help somepony?
Twilight Sparkle: Well, why aren't you smart enough to have your own political influence?
Apple Bloom: Nopony listens to a child.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, I'm sure it would help if you weren't so damn childish all the time.
Apple Bloom: It's important to look out for other ponies.
Twilight Sparkle: Kid, one of these days, you're probably gonna go to college, and you're gonna get a really soft major, and it's gonna be a total waste of everyone's time and money, but it's gonna make you feel really important.
Apple Bloom: Well, maybe I won't need the sciences! Maybe your science can't explain the reasons why I feel, and they can't explain all the big things like what makes us angry or in love or full of hate about somethin'!
Twilight Sparkle: Your amygdala.
Apple Bloom: My what?
Twilight Sparkle: Your amygdala probably regulates a storage of emotional memories, which is why—
Apple Bloom: What the heck is an amygdala?
Twilight Sparkle: Ohhhh, well, it sounds like someone knows less about science than science knows about her! Here's a little tip, kid: you can never hope to defeat your enemies without knowing how they think. And by the time you know enough science to fight the scientific, it's already too late. You're already a scientist!
Apple Bloom: Well, at least I have morals!
Twilight Sparkle: Well, at least I wasn't born from consanguineous mating!
Apple Bloom: What's "consanguineous"?
Twilight Sparkle: Ooh! Another one! Pinkie, what's the score?
Pinkie Pie: It is two-to-zero! You are winning your pretty little head right off!
Twilight Sparkle: Alright, let's go again! Whatcha got?
Pinkie Pie: She does not have any friends.
Twilight Sparkle: No friends? Well, I just can't get rid of mine! Another victory for Twilight! Pinkie P! Put it on the board!
Pinkie Pie: 2.5 to zero! Yes!
Twilight Sparkle: You can't do a half point.
Pinkie Pie: But they are composed of half numbers!
Apple Bloom: Well, at least I'm not a stupid jerk!
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, my God... I'm turning into Celestia.
Pinkie Pie: [chuckles] You made a child cry.
Twilight Sparkle: Look, kid... I-I'm sure you'll do great in college or wherever it is that Earth ponies go. Just look out for Taz and tell me if you meet any pony that looks like he's been possessed.
Apple Bloom: All your adult friends are plumb crazy. What's wrong with them?
Applejack: Adult friends are different, darlin'. I can drink with Twilight, get help with the weather from Rainbow Dash, and the others just sort of tag along.
Apple Bloom: What about Pinkie Pie?
Applejack: I cannot explain Pinkie Pie.
Apple Bloom: Well, I got nothin' to do for the rest of the day and nobody to play with.
Applejack: Well, I'm your friend, sugarcube.
Apple Bloom: You ain't nothin' but my sister.
Applejack: Y'all better watch it or I'll turn that yellow hide tan. Y'all know how important family is to the Apples.
Apple Bloom: I wanna marry who I wanna marry!
Applejack: At least y'all get the option now to marry, unlike some of us thanks to a certain colt-cuddlin' stallion!
Apple Bloom: What's "colt-cuddlin'"?
Applejack: Never you mind. Look, if you're bored, you can always come out and help me sell some apples.
Apple Bloom: I don't want to sell apples.
Applejack: I'll buy you some ice cream afterwards.
Apple Bloom: Let's sell some friggin' apples!
Apple Bloom: Step right up, fillies and gentlecolts! You buy yourself some apples and you buy me some ice cream! Look at me! I'm just so mindblowingly adorable! Don't y'all want me to have some ice cream? Now here's a fine lady bringin' happiness to a child. Now I don't know the value of money, so I'm gonna assume that's about a million bits right there.
Bon Bon: Meep-meep-meep-meep-meep-meep-meep! (I'm not paying for that!)
Apple Bloom: Are you tryin' to stand between me and ice cream?
Applejack: Darn it, sis. You can't just force apples on ponies like it were a marriage or somethin'. You gotta try to be persuasive with the customers.
Apple Bloom: Okay. Persuasive. I can do that. How would you like to buy me some ice cream?
Dr. Hooves: Sounds illegal.
Apple Bloom: Are you sure you don't wanna buy me any ice cream? Because I am the perfect height to reach your dangly bits, and I think we both know what I'm implyin' here.
Dr. Hooves: Look, I'm really busy right now, and I'm doing something really important. I have to save a kitty named Mr. Fluffles from certain doom.
Apple Bloom: Do not make me get persuasive with you!
Dr. Hooves: Stay back! I can travel through time!
Apple Bloom: Well, good. You're gonna need that power because I am about to kick your dick into last Thursday!
Dr. Hooves: I will cry!
Apple Bloom: Children have no empathy! I don't even care! You give me some friggin' ice cream!
Dr. Hooves: Okay! Just take the money and leave me alone!
Applejack: Little lady, I dunno if I should be disappointed or impressed with your behavior. One thing is for certain though: you're fired.
Apple Bloom: Wait! Y'all can't just expose my nudity to the whole town! I'll call Child Services!
Applejack: And now you're grounded.
Apple Bloom: Friends can't ground each other!
Applejack: You knew what this was.
Apple Bloom: But... But I don't deserve groundin' on account of bein' emotionally distraught because Twilight made fun of me today!
Applejack: She did what?! Well, I am gonna strangle that Twilight, and you're grounded!
Apple Bloom: But I'm confused because Rainbow Dash tried to teach me to fly from jumpin' off a cliff with a hang glider!
Applejack: Well, I am gonna strangle Rainbow Dash and Twilight, and you're grounded!
Apple Bloom: Well, Pinkie Pie—
Applejack: I am gonna strangle Pinkie, Dash, Twilight, and you're grounded!
Apple Bloom: But if I'm grounded, then I can't go to Tiara's cute-ceañera, and then I can't make no friends at all.
Applejack: Alright, fine, you can go to the cute-ceañera. But then you're grounded twice to make up for it.
Apple Bloom: I-I was just kiddin'! I don't wanna go!
Applejack: Too late!
Apple Bloom: So how'd y'all get roped into this here shindig? Are y'all friends with Tiara or Spoon?
Scootaloo: My parents don't know where I am, baby.
Sweetie Belle: [in deep, foreboding voice] I traveled here from between the cracks in the walls, from the dark places where only dreams may go.
Apple Bloom: So you just wandered in? Do you like colorin'?
Scootaloo: Uh, that depends. Are you offering to let me do a sketch of you?
Sweetie Belle: I have seen such forbidden colors.
Apple Bloom: Well, that's good enough for me! You guys are better than Twist at least. Let's be friends. My name's Apple Bloom.
Scootaloo: Oh, your name is really cute, baby. Mine's – hoo! – Scootaloo.
Sweetie Belle: I go by many names. Seaty Belt, Sweaty Belt, Treaty Teats... But you may call me... Thrackerzod! I am a typical pony.
Scootaloo: So since we're all friends now, baby, do you guys wanna play a party game like Truth or Dare, Spin the Bottle, or Seven Minutes in Heaven?
Sweetie Belle: I think we should all band together and kill Twilight Sparkle.
Apple Bloom: I like the cut of your jib. But have you ever considered just convertin' her over to our way of thinkin'?
Sweetie Belle: Yes... Perhaps we should convert her... into a murdered pony!
Scootaloo: Every time one of us does a dare correctly, we could – hooah! – get a piece of candy.
Apple Bloom: Don't eat that or you'll have to run laps across the border!
Sweetie Belle: So tell Thrackerzod – as a joke because she is a normal pony – what would normal ponies consume?
Scootaloo: I've got normal pony food at home in my bedroom, baby. You guys wanna go?
Apple Bloom: Don't y'all live in the clouds, bein' a Pegasus and all?
Scootaloo: I thought you wanted to be friendly, baby.
Apple Bloom: All I could be in your room is plummetin' to my death.
Sweetie Belle: I don't want to plummet to my death. Do normal ponies do that? I don't want to do that unless that's what normal ponies do.
Scootaloo: Can we go to your bedroom? Hoo!
Apple Bloom: Okay, sure! I'll show you my dolls!
Sweetie Belle: I am blending in!


Episode 12

     
Rarity: [crying hysterically] My life is over!
[knocking]
Pinkie Pie: Rarity, Pinkie hears your sadness. She comes as a delegate. Give Pinkie nuclear power – yes – and then she will return your garbage cans.
Rainbow Dash: Why is she crying? Pinkie, give back her garbage.
Twilight Sparkle: I don't even know why we came up here.
Pinkie Pie: Clearly, Rarity has used her voodoo ways to call us to her misery.
Applejack: Oh, come on. That's just... A-Actually, can unicorns do voodoo?
Pinkie Pie: The unicorns are guilty of many crimes. Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: She doesn't have voodoo, you retards.
Rarity: Is there someone out there? Just go! I'm worthless! Leave my house and never come back!
Twilight Sparkle: No!
Applejack: What do ya mean "no"?! What'd you do that for?!
[beat]
Twilight Sparkle: I don't know.
[beat]
Twilight Sparkle: She told me what to do.
[beat]
Twilight Sparkle: She's not the boss.
Rarity: I knew I had good friends. You're all so reliable, and I don't treat you well enough.
Rainbow Dash: Aw, man! Now if we leave, I'll feel bad.
Rarity: You probably don't even want to hear what the matter is. I shouldn't tell you.
Twilight Sparkle: Rarity, shut up.
Rarity: Okay, fine, I'll tell you. I didn't think you'd be so aggressive about it.
Applejack: Twi!
Twilight Sparkle: What?!
Rarity: It all began just a week ago. I met the most handsome stallion. Well, okay, he was about average. But he had redeeming qualities that made him seem handsome.
Applejack: 'Til he got ya in the sack.
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah. Then I bet he was just stupid.
Rarity: It's the way colts are, but we deal with what we're given.
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie is lesbian.
Rainbow Dash: This is boring. You guys wanna hear about a trick I did today?
Rarity: Anyway... So I met this wonderful stallion, and he made me feel so... beautiful. He-He commented me on my charming personality—
Applejack: And then he slept with ya, and then he played video games.
Rarity: Well, the part before that was amazing. And he held out for thirty seconds.
Rainbow Dash: He held out for what? I could hold out for longer than that.
Rarity: In bed, you complete halfwit!
Rainbow Dash: I can stay awake for two days.
Rarity: Dash, the adults are takling!
Applejack: And then he played video games, and now you're struck by the futility of love. Girl, we've all been there.
Rarity: I've loved hundreds of stallions, and I don't care if they fall asleep afterward. They wouldn't be stallions if they weren't basically useless anyway. Evolution only took them that far.
Twilight Sparkle: Then what is the problem, and when can we leave? We can hear you all the way across town, and it's driving us seriously crazy.
Rarity: The problem is... [crying] He left me!
Twilight Sparkle: So what?!
Applejack: I thought you had to do the dishes or somethin'.
Rarity: What do you mean "thought I had to do the dishes"? When did dishes become a part of this tragic story?
Applejack: I just assumed it was part of your weekend ritual. Like, y'all wake up in the mornin' and realize you've gotta wash dishes, so y'all just break down and cry.
Rainbow Dash: Well, maybe just use, like, one dish, and then, like, wash that dish and then just reuse it every night, and then that way, when you get to the end of the week, you'll be like, "Oh, I've only got one dish to wash."
Fluttershy: I have a dishwasher if that helps.
Rainbow Dash: Yeah, but then you have to put all the dishes away.
Twilight Sparkle: Just try to be more efficient, Rarity.
Rarity: I am not sad about the stupid dishes.
Applejack: You guys can't listen worth crap.
Pinkie Pie: Then why are we talking about dishes? Pinkie is confused!
Rarity: I am sad because a stallion broke up with me.
Twilight Sparkle: How is that less stupid?
Rarity: You can't just trivialize it like that.
Twilight Sparkle: I just did. Deal with it.
Rarity: No, you can't. You cannot. You don't know what it's like.
Twilight Sparkle: But you trivialize it all the time.
Rarity: Normally I do, but this is different.
Rainbow Dash: Rarity, don't cry.
Rarity: Dash, don't help.
Applejack: Can y'all, like, explain to us why it's any different than the last hundred stallions?
Rarity: Well, basically it went like this...
Rarity: So I was just thinking that, maybe sometime next weekend, you might like to meet for dinner.
Hoity Toity: Actually, I was just thinking of hanging out with the guys next weekend.
Rarity: He blew me off to hang out with the guys! W-What is he, gay?! Did I turn him gay?!
Rainbow Dash: Maybe the guys are just more fun.
Rarity: Okay. And now I'm going to cry again.
Twilight Sparkle: Alright, we should leave while she's distracted.
Applejack: Yeah, but if we leave, we'll feel guilty.
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie feels nothing. Yes.
Rainbow Dash: I'd rather go do a trick, but I'll feel so crappy.
Twilight Sparkle: Do we seriously have to resolve this...?
Applejack: Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: Rarity, stop it.
Rarity: Why?! You just want to make me feel worse!
Pinkie Pie: Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: No, we're gonna... We're gonna cheer you up... Sure! We're gonna do it in shifts though, starting with "Triple Threat".
[sewing machine whirring]
[sewing machine stops]
[beat]
[sewing machine whirring]
[sewing machine stops]
Fluttershy: I'm sorry.
Rarity: For what?
Fluttershy: Am I bothering you?
Rarity: Are you trying to bother me?
Fluttershy: No...
[sewing machine whirring]
[sewing machine stops]
Rarity: Fluttershy, go home.
Applejack: Well, shoot, gal. Shucks, I always thought you were above datin' just one pony at a time, but here you're all broken up about losin' one guy. I know you must be eatin' a whole heap of humble pie right now.
Rarity: Applejack, dear, if you could just consider how often you're more agonizingly single than I am – which, as I think, is maybe all the time...
Applejack: Aw, now you don't have to go worryin' about me. This is all about you. Besides, at least I'm happily single.
Rarity: I slept with your brother.
Applejack: Oh, yeah? You and what army?
Rarity: An army of dudes.
Applejack: Oh, so y'all fit right in.
Pinkie Pie: If you value this boy, you will fall down the stairs! Yes.
Rarity: Why? And then what?
Pinkie Pie: And then he is arrested!
Rarity: Okay...
Pinkie Pie: Yes.
Rarity: I don't... Why would he be arrested?
Pinkie Pie: Because Pinkie has already called the authorities! He thinks he is in the outfield where he is safe from getting strikes, but Pinkie has fooled him! Yes. Soon he will succumb to your love!
Rarity: If he goes to prison, I don't see how he spends less time with the guys.
Pinkie Pie: When he is made to be guilty, he will return to you. Yes.
Rarity: Okay, I think we have a different understanding of the definition of "guilt".
Pinkie Pie: Fall down the stairs!
Applejack: See, 'cause y'all were like, "army of dudes", and you know, you kinda left yourself open there, so... So I was just joshin' ya. Heh.
Rainbow Dash: What?
Rarity: Dash, are you over there staring at my butt?
Rainbow Dash: No, I was just over here thinking about stuff.
Rarity: Oh, come on. I saw you looking right at it.
Rainbow Dash: I was just zoning out. Your butt's in the way.
Rarity: Zoning out on my butt?
Rainbow Dash: Not on it. Just, like, you know, i-in the general vicinity.
Rarity: You know, if you like my butt, you could just say.
Applejack: So I-I guess, I mean... You know, I don't really think you look like a dude.
Rarity: You know, it really is nice of you to want to cheer me up, Twilight, because I've always thought of you as being so stuck-up.
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, I know. My whole plan is great.
Rarity: Yeah... It's going great. Our friends are just all over it, and I was going to propose that maybe you and I should take a trip to Canterlot together, you know, being the only unicorns, and you could maybe cheer me up by introducing me to some of your friends back in Canterlot. How does that sound?
Twilight Sparkle: What friends exactly are you wanting to meet?
Rarity: Oh, I don't know. Just whoever you know.
Twilight Sparkle: Okay. Like, uh, Sparkle family friends?
Rarity: Maybe just a stallion who's cool and can get things done.
Twilight Sparkle: Okay... uh... Ice Pony is really expensive, Rarity. I...
Rarity: Who?
Twilight Sparkle: Oh! Oh, you mean, like, politicians or someone. Yeah, I know some of those guys.
Rarity: Well, kind of. I'm looking for eligible bachelors if you know any, but what was that thing about Ice Pony?
Twilight Sparkle: Nothing!
Rarity: No, you said he was expensive. Is he rich? Is he influential?
Twilight Sparkle: He, uh, influences some things, I guess.
Rarity: Oh, that's strange. You know, I've never really heard of him. Is he a rapper or something? He sounds like a rapper. You know, I don't really listen to a lot of zebra music.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, he's not a zebra, but... yeah, he's done a few hits, yeah.
Rarity: So is he single? I want to meet him.
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, Rarity, I... [chuckles nervously] I don't really know if, um... you know, he's maybe not your type...
Rarity: Oh, come on, what's the matter? Just introduce us.
Twilight Sparkle: Okay, Rarity, the thing is that he's a k— uh... k-kind of guy who would prefer a mare with a more, uh... youthful... spirit.
Rarity: [crying hysterically]
Applejack: What the hell is this? I thought we were cheerin' her up.
Rarity: Twilight called me old!
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie is confused about what we are trying to do. Yes.
Rainbow Dash: Guys, I don't even really like Rarity. Maybe we could not cheer her up?
Twilight Sparkle: Shut up, Dash.
Rarity: I don't want to be cheered up by you guys anymore. You're terrible.
Twilight Sparkle: Shut up, Rarity.
Applejack: She don't want to be cheered up. We should just go home.
Twilight Sparkle: Everyone, shut up.
Rarity: I agree with Applejack for once. Just go home. Leave me alone.
Twilight Sparkle: Rarity, you will let one of us make you feel better or I will kill you.
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie's faith in Twilight has returned.
Rarity: Oh, my God, what is wrong with you ponies?!
Twilight Sparkle: Rarity, you let us cheer you up, or so help me, I will take Opal and I will stuff that kitty cat so far down your throat that you choke on her!
Rarity: Oh. Uh... [chuckles nervously] Oh, then I'm all cheered up now. Ha-ha-ha-ha... hah...
Applejack: Okay, Twilight. She's good. We can go home now.
Rainbow Dash: Scary...
Twilight Sparkle: No, I'm not buying it.
Rarity: No, really. I'm all happy now. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha... hah... hah.
Twilight Sparkle: I don't buy it. You're gonna be legitimately cheered up. That's what's gonna happen here.
Applejack: Twi, I think you might be takin' things a bit too far.
Twilight Sparkle: Starting tomorrow, we're doing this again. And we're doing it every day until Rarity feels better.
[sewing machine whirring]
Rainbow Dash: I'm not looking at your butt.
Pinkie Pie: And then they froze Pinkie's bank account, but that was just what she planned!
Applejack: Hey, Rarity, I'm real sorry about Twi. I know that we both have a lot of things to do today, and your friends can't solve all your problems.
Rarity: What do you mean "all my problems"? I just have one problem, and it's not even all that big.
Applejack: I guess, if you don't consider bein' lonely and insecure and inconsiderate and unable to hold onto a lover for more than two weeks bein' multiple problems.
Rarity: I'll never... [continues under]
Applejack: Sorry, that was my fault.
[sewing machine whirring]
Rainbow Dash: I'm not looking at your butt.
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie informed him that you were dead. Yes. Now he will never bother you again, and Pinkie has solved the problem!
Rarity: My one true love...!
Pinkie Pie: The yellow one sabotaged us!
Fluttershy: Sorry...
[sewing machine whirring]
Rainbow Dash: I don't know what you think is so appealing about your butt.
Rarity: I'm just a fat sack of... [continues under]
Rainbow Dash: I don't understand!
[sewing machine whirring]
Pinkie Pie: Fluttershy said you were fat.
Rarity: Fluttershy is such a... [continues under]
Fluttershy: I'm sorry. I don't know how it happened.
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie hopes you are okay that she has robbed your home of toothpaste!
Rainbow Dash: I'm not looking at your butt, okay?
Twilight Sparkle: I hope you're enjoying our company.
Fluttershy: Thank you for remembering my name, um, Roger.
Applejack: Did Fluttershy seriously just call you Roger?
Rarity: This has been the worst week of my life. I hope all my friends get on a bus, and then they fly that bus into the sun where they all die in flames.
Hoity Toity: Hey, Rarity!
Rarity: What?! Toity?!
Hoity Toity: Hey, Rarity. All the guys mysteriously canceled on me, so I thought I'd come by and see if you were still free this weekend.
Rarity: Darling! You've come back to me! My baby! I'm not free this weekend though. How about next?
Hoity Toity: Okay. See you then.
Twilight Sparkle: Hey! Rarity!
Rarity: Oh, my God! Is that my dress?! Oh! My dress! Who sewed this?!
Fluttershy: I did my best...
Rarity: Fluttershy doesn't know a damn thing about sewing! Why would you let her anywhere near a dress?! Oh, for goodness sake, she thinks a blanket stitch belongs in clothing!
Fluttershy: Do they not?
Rarity: They are blanket stitches! They belong in blankets!
Fluttershy: Sorry... I didn't know.
Twilight Sparkle: So you're saying this didn't cheer you up either?
Rarity: Okay, you know what? This whole "cheer you up" thing? It's done. I don't need it anymore. I've worked it out myself. All I had to do was call a few of Toity's little boyfriends, and now they're avoiding him because I slept with them, and I'm all he's got left, and that's gonna work for at least two weeks.
Twilight Sparkle: So basically you're saying that we couldn't cheer you up.
Rarity: No. You did the opposite of that.
Twilight Sparkle: Oh. In that case, I hope that your gag reflexes are as well-trained as you say they are, because we're gonna stuff a kitty down your throat.
Rarity: Go home, dammit!


Episode 13

     
Twilight Sparkle: Hey there, twitchy. What are you up to today?
Pinkie Pie: Nothing. Yes. Pinkie maintains the innocence.
Twilight Sparkle: It looks like you're maintaining a stupid hat.
Pinkie Pie: How do you dare? It is the Rainbow Hat.
Twilight Sparkle: How long have you had tremors like that, Pinkie?
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie has not the tremors. Yes. Behold!
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, I see it's your butt. Thanks. Pinkie, tremors like that are usually caused by multiple sclerosis, tumors, brain injuries... Have you notified a doctor?
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie does not need the doctor for two reasons. First is that the doctor will fill Pinkie's teeth with fluoride. Yes. Second is that Pinkie is aware of what causes her ailment.
Twilight Sparkle: It's not zebras.
Pinkie Pie: Of course it is not zebras! Yes. UV radiation is beamed directly into Pinkie's body from Celestia's sun. It is giving Pinkie the twitches and also psychic powers.
Twilight Sparkle: If you're insinuating that Celestia kills her political opponents with UV radiation, you should not insinuate that.
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie will not be silenced! Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: It'll spread fear of Celestia, which is exactly what she wants.
[beat]
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie will say nothing. Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: Good. But I guess if we were lucky, everyone would just assume that you're insane anyway.
[plop]
Pinkie Pie: You have acquired a frog. Yes.
Fluttershy: Sorry. I'm trying to take all the frogs to a new home 'cause I noticed that they were overpopulating and I didn't really plan this out very well—
Twilight Sparkle: Can you just shut up and go away please?
Fluttershy: Okay.
Twilight Sparkle: Raining frogs. That girl is actually a plague.
[beat]
Twilight Sparkle: See, 'cause it's like in the story of... Never mind. I hate you.
Pinkie Pie: We should not allow the yellow one to pass with this transgression! She heads towards the Bogg! Yes. No one will assist her there!
[thud]
Twilight Sparkle: Pinkie, I got stuff to do, and I am not bonding with you.
Applejack: Hey, y'all hooligans. Whatcha all up to?
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, hey, AJ. Same old. Pinkie's got a brain tumor—
Pinkie Pie: Also psychic powers!
Twilight Sparkle: —But mainly a tumor. And I told her to go see a doctor, but she won't go.
Applejack: Well, I don't believe in doctors personally. You know how they say. "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." And I am an Apple.
Twilight Sparkle: Well then, AJ, you am retarded. Don't you at least have a gynecologist or something?
Applejack: Nah. I eat apples. I don't need one.
Pinkie Pie: The gynecologist filled Pinkie's teeth with fluoride!
Twilight Sparkle: The hell kind of doctors are you seeing, Pinkie?!
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie tells you, yes, it is the kind that puts fluoride in Pinkie's teeth!
Applejack: See? Y'all can't trust a doctor. They don't really know what they're doin', so you never know what's gonna happen.
Twilight Sparkle: You guys are gonna die.
Applejack: Granny never saw no doctors, and she's lived darn near forever.
Twilight Sparkle: [scoffs] You can't use a case study to gauge the effectiveness of a medical treatment.
Applejack: Well, that's funny, Twilight. I would've pegged you as someone bein' all about studies.
[beat]
Twilight Sparkle: Case studies don't have statistical significance!
Pinkie Pie: As we dally here, the yellow one escapes our grasp!
Applejack: What's this about Fluttershy now?
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, some yellow girl was flying to the Bogg and Pinkie wants to mess her up.
Applejack: Now I know that can't be right because everybody knows there's a horrible hydra that lives in the Bogg and it eats ponies.
Pinkie Pie: Well, that is where she goes. Yes.
Applejack: Are y'all sure about that?
Twilight Sparkle: That's what we saw.
Applejack: Well, then we need to book it! Come on, you two!
Applejack: I can't believe y'all don't know about the hydra that lives spittin' distance from Ponyville!
Pinkie Pie: His name is Richard, he is allergic to peanuts, and he has a birthday in four weeks.
Spike: She's over here, guys.
Pinkie Pie: We have revealed the yellow one!
Applejack: Whew! Thank goodness. Man, for a minute there, I thought we were gonna have some great big thing goin' on, like... a funeral.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, we were definitely gonna find this girl. Look at her. She's so yellow, I bet if she walked into a white room, the walls would glow.
[beat]
Twilight Sparkle: What kind of tree is that behind you guys?
[hydra roars]
Twilight Sparkle: Dammit! See, this is why we need to tell ponies when we go someplace dangerous! They're probably not gonna look for us for forty-eight hours!
Pinkie Pie: We should be running away! Yes.
Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy: [panting]
[hydra's footsteps thudding]
Fluttershy: Thanks for coming to save me, you guys.
Pinkie Pie: We will die as we lived! Yes. Hating Fluttershy!
Fluttershy: I agree with that sentiment! I'm so sorry, everyone!
Spike: Twilight, can't you do anything with your magic powers?
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, crap! I just remembered I'm really good at magic! You guys get across the ledge! I'll cover your asses! [screams]
[hydra roars]
[sounds of fighting and Twilight's agony]
Twilight Sparkle: Somebody help...
Spike: So you're sure this is how you want to spend your time?
Twilight Sparkle: There's something neurologically wrong with Pinkie.
Spike: I knew that. Everyone's well aware of that.
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, but everyone's also perfectly content to call it "Pinkie's magic" or whatever. Afraid it's gonna turn out to be a magical tumor.
Spike: And if it is, what exactly are you planning to do?
Twilight Sparkle: Well, I figure she's got to be asleep to do surgery anyway, so... maybe just get her while she's asleep and do surgery.
Spike: That's very unethical.
Twilight Sparkle: So is letting my friends die from idiocy!
Spike: You ever worry that you might be an idiot too? Like, we're all idiots?
Twilight Sparkle: Ehhhh, good save there, buddy. We're all idiots.
Spike: I'm just suggesting that your own intelligence can't possibly be saving you from yourself on all occasions.
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, but you know what? My intelligence is right in this case.
Spike: But it's always right, even when you're wrong. And that's the problem.
Twilight Sparkle: I am always right. Thank you, Spike. So let me just get back to watching my subject.
Twilight Sparkle: I don't understand how Pinkie can be so boring when she's not tormenting ponies.
Spike: Maybe you don't really know her that well.
Twilight Sparkle: What's there to know? I dunno, her balance looks fine. I'm not seeing a lot of mood swings by Pinkie's standard.
Spike: We've been watching her for aeons! I think we can rule out a tumor.
Twilight Sparkle: I dunno. You remember that time that I thought you didn't have a tummy ache and then you threw up all over the floor?
Spike: That was different. I told you I had a stomachache and you told me I was wrong. You told me to suck it up. Instead, I just barfed.
Twilight Sparkle: I was so mad at you! If you were sick, you should've just said so.
Spike: Isn't that exactly what I did?
Twilight Sparkle: No, you were whining to get out of work.
Spike: And yet I wasn't, because I was really sick.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, you use that excuse all the time. It's not my fault if you're the boy who cried wolf.
Spike: See, I feel like I can never really win with you because you're so much better at logic than I am.
Twilight Sparkle: And if you're worse at logic, then there's no reason you should win the argument.
Spike: But sometimes your logic is wrong and I don't know how to disprove it right away. You're always just so caught up in making things work the way you want them to.
Twilight Sparkle: I'm Celestia's protégé. The entire point is to learn how to get the things that I need.
Spike: Well, personally, I hope you never become a princess if I'm any indication of what it's gonna be like for everyone.
Twilight Sparkle: Eh. I wouldn't hold your breath on it anyway.
Twilight Sparkle: I dunno, Spike. I'm starting to think you might be right. She seems pretty healthy – physically, anyway.
Spike: Well, Twilight, I'm glad you're finally getting over it. But I feel like we spent too much time on this.
Twilight Sparkle: What are you talking about? We have a ton of data. We've got a lot of Pinkie Pie's patterns on record.
Spike: I thought the point was to prove she had a magical tumor.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, that was my first hypothesis, but now we have a ton of data and I can make a new one.
Spike: Twilight, nae! It's time to stop. We've shut ourselves from the world to watch Pinkie Pie.
Twilight Sparkle: I'm studying friendship, Spike.
Spike: I think you were meant to study by making friends, not watching them.
Twilight Sparkle: That's stupid. If you interfere with the test subjects, then the study is ruined.
Spike: I just don't think you're supposed to do it empirically.
Twilight Sparkle: Then what's the point? Why would Celestia even ask me to do that? She knows me.
Spike: Can't we at least try asking Pinkie directly now about some of her habits?
Twilight Sparkle: I think she's gonna lie about her sexual activity.
Spike: Don't ask her about that then.
Twilight Sparkle: She's gonna try and pretend she's in better health than she is.
Spike: If she feels healthy, she doesn't need treatment.
Twilight Sparkle: Not necessarily, but alright. Let's do it.
Twilight Sparkle: Okay, Pinkie, I'm just gonna ask you a few questions, and I want you to answer them honestly.
Pinkie Pie: You promised to Pinkie bondage. Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: I did. And you're in bondage. I knew you'd go for it.
Pinkie Pie: Okay. It is different. Yes. When is Twilight in bondage as well?
Twilight Sparkle: I'd ask how you think that's supposed to work, but I already know. Sadly. Today we're gonna learn about things I don't know.
Pinkie Pie: You lied to Pinkie for research!
Twilight Sparkle: That's right! Now answer my questions honestly!
Pinkie Pie: Okay! Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: Do you ever have headaches, specifically in the morning?
Pinkie Pie: Yes, but only on Thursdays.
Twilight Sparkle: Do you feel like you have problems with nausea or vomiting?
Pinkie Pie: Only when Pinkie is drunk. Yes. Or not drunk enough. On the Thursday.
Twilight Sparkle: Do you find you have issues with your hearing or your vision?
Pinkie Pie: No. Yes. Except on Thursday.
Twilight Sparkle: Do you sometimes find it difficult to remember things?
Pinkie Pie: Yes! Pinkie cannot remember any of last Thursday! Pinkie begins to see a pattern.
Twilight Sparkle: Pinkie, how do you remember having all these symptoms on Thursday if you can't even remember last Thursday?!
Pinkie Pie: Maybe Pinkie remembers incorrectly.
Twilight Sparkle: Then maybe Pinkie goes home!
Spike: So, Twilight, what do you think?
Twilight Sparkle: I think Pinkie Pie is a microcosm of case studies and she's never gonna fit into a model.
Spike: Well, certainly not with that attitude.
Twilight Sparkle: You know what I think? I think the moral of the story is that the social sciences are retarded.
Spike: That's gonna make it awfully tough to research friendship, you know.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, you know, I think that when you get right down to it, we could've learned a lot of different things from this little episode, but the main thing to take home is that you just can't describe ponies with models. They're too diverse. They don't fit.
Spike: Okay, great.
Twilight Sparkle: Anyway, we need to figure out a report for Celestia, so tell her that "friends are roadblocks sometimes but not always".
Spike: That's what you're going with, huh?
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah. I mean, we need to come up with something.
Spike: Okay.


Episode 14

     
Rainbow Dash: So, Fluttershy, you remember when my mom used to tell us not to fly too fast or we might explode, right?
Fluttershy: Well, I vaguely remember that your mom and dad didn't fight very much, and your dad used to yell but only at the TV, and that's why I liked to hang out with you.
Rainbow Dash: Well, my mom used to say that when I was flying around the house, and for a long time I thought it was bunk. But you know what? I think maybe it's not bunk.
Fluttershy: Okay. I'm sorry.
Rainbow Dash: No, you don't have to be sorry. I said she's not lying to me.
Fluttershy: I'm sorry. My parents were brutally honest with me too. I know how it can be.
Rainbow Dash: No, it's good that they were honest with me. It's-it's good in this case. 'Cause I just read in the newspaper two weeks ago that there's gonna be a big flyer's competition out at Cloudsdale. Guess how I'm gonna win it.
Fluttershy: Practice.
Rainbow Dash: No, it's in two weeks. There's no time for that.
Fluttershy: Hard work.
Rainbow Dash: Closer. You're getting warmer.
Fluttershy: Cheating.
Rainbow Dash: No. No. Cold.
Fluttershy: Giving up.
Rainbow Dash: No, 'cause how am I supposed to win if I give up? Fluttershy, you can't win by quitting.
Fluttershy: Okay, I'm sorry. But what I really meant was that I give up guessing.
Rainbow Dash: I'm gonna win by flying so fast that I explode! Okay now, so everything is really theoretical, so I'm gonna do one trial run, and I need you to watch and tell everyone if I did it. If it works, I'll be exploded, so you gotta be convincing. So show me what you're gonna sound like if I explode.
Fluttershy: [weak scream]
Rainbow Dash: No. No. No. Fluttershy, you have to be happy if I explode. It's a good thing, okay?
Fluttershy: I don't know. I think if I start telling everyone with a great big smile that one of my friends exploded—
Rainbow Dash: It's okay, they're gonna get the context. My mom used to say it all the time. So let's see Fluttershy smile! Big smile! Okay. Big smile. No?
Fluttershy: I'm trying, but I keep remembering school pictures. I was very fat.
Rainbow Dash: We weighed the same amount, Fluttershy. Let's not think about that anymore. Let's think about happy bunnies and you tell them that I exploded and that makes them happy.
Fluttershy: My friend exploded. Her mom was right.
Rainbow Dash: Yeah, that was really good! Okay. Now I'm gonna give it a shot. You watch me, okay?
Twilight Sparkle: So I think the issue with Ponyville is really the leadership itself. I mean, if Mayor Mare is the problem, she's not gonna make the problem go away, right? I mean, heck, she benefits from half of the stuff she does.
[crash]
Fluttershy: Oh, no. Rainbow Dash is finally dead.
Rainbow Dash: No, I'm not dead. I just screwed up the trick.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, could you try harder? Because—
Rainbow Dash: I'm trying as hard as I can, but you know.
Twilight Sparkle: Because you're breaking my walls so often that I'm starting to get used to it. And I don't know how I feel about that.
Rarity: You know, last week, she broke my window. Last month, she broke my roof. Of course, the repair guy was really cute. Frisky too. But if that had been a girl, it would've cost me thousands of bits.
Applejack: Sugarcube, y'all are a bit of a hazard now.
Rarity: Unless you can deal in female carpenters, you better be willing if you're going to keep this up.
Applejack: That don't go for those of us with scruples. We just want y'all to pay back the damages.
Rarity: Oh, sure, yes. Applejack is the one who gets it on with her cousin, but she's the one with scruples.
Applejack: The hell are you talkin' about? I ain't never done anything like that with my cousins.
Rarity: The Apple family is reputed for their strong legs and you expect me to believe that, as a filly, you never gave in to temptation?
Applejack: The Apple family – thankin' ya very much for your astute observations – is reputed for an adherence to tradition! That means I have and will continue to save myself for marriage.
Rarity: Right, leaving you with no idea what you're doing when you finally get married to one of your stupid cousins.
Applejack: Rarity, y'all don't even know what you're talking about. Y'all don't even know what y'all are talking about.
Twilight Sparkle: Dash, the thread these idiots seem to have lost is that you need to save up some money and then pay back the damage done to our homes.
Rainbow Dash: Well, I don't make a lot of money, you guys.
Rarity: Dash, sweetie, that's because you're a lazy idiot who sleeps on the job.
Applejack: To be truthful, sugarcube, I think y'all could get your job done in about ten seconds. If you work that hard every day, you'd probably get promoted.
Rainbow Dash: Man, I thought that too, like, three years ago. But you know what happens if I do my work in ten seconds? I go home. I get paid by the hour. I'm not self-employed.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, how many hours did you give up before you quit trying?
Rainbow Dash: Well, for the first couple of months, I was just knocking them out of the park. I was faster than everybody. I mean, but then I would go home and I would have to eat noodles and I wasn't getting enough hours and... Then one day, one of the older guys pulled me aside and told me to stop doing that. He told me unless I was one of the boss's friends, I really wasn't gonna help myself out. So I tried to be friends with the boss, but then, turns out he didn't like the same stuff as me, so... Then I started sleeping, and now I make enough money that I can put onions in the soup.
Applejack: So basically, Dash's route to financial success is through sleepin' and not workin' hard?
Rainbow Dash: That is why I learned!
Applejack: Well, that just flies in the face of everything I've taught Apple Bloom.
Rarity: Okay, then how do we get her into a position where she can pay to be Rainbow Dash?
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, because this property damage thing is not gonna stop anytime soon.
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie recommends we pool our moneys, then buy the home for Rainbow Dash in Canterlot. This way, she wreaks havoc on those who deserve! Yes.
Rainbow Dash: I was kinda hoping you guys would want to hear about the thing I was doing before I crashed in here.
Twilight Sparkle: Was it flying fast? Because if that's all, then I'm really more worried about the damage that you keep doing.
Rainbow Dash: No. I mean, yes. But this time, it's flying fast with a twitch.
Fluttershy: She means a twist.
Twilight Sparkle: Excuse me, yellow girl who came into my house without permission, I think we could've figured that out.
Fluttershy: Sorry.
Rainbow Dash: It's not a twist, Fluttershy! You're telling it wrong! They wouldn't call it a twist.
Twilight Sparkle: Dash, just tell us what you're doing so you can go ram your head through someone else's house.
Rarity: She is being an idiot, Twilight. Kind of like yourself just for asking what Dash is doing.
Twilight Sparkle: Every time I fight, it just gets worse. This has got to run its course, Rarity.
Rainbow Dash: Okay, a "twist", if you guys didn't know, is when you actually do a twist in midair. That's not what I'm doing. Fluttershy doesn't know her terminology.
Fluttershy: Sorry. I was using laymen's terms.
Rainbow Dash: Well, us normal ponies are gonna get confused 'cause we really like sports, you know.
Twilight Sparkle: Honestly, I-I couldn't give a damn about sports, but go on.
Rarity: I don't care for sports either. I think it's a waste of time.
Applejack: Personally, I just like apples.
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie Pie has found the vantage above you! She has become like God! Yes.
Fluttershy: I don't like sports either.
Twilight Sparkle: Okay. Yellow girl we don't know, if you're gonna insist on slowing this down, you need to leave.
Fluttershy: Okay. I'm really sorry.
Twilight Sparkle: Are you leaving?
Fluttershy: Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: Okay, good. Go be sorry somewhere else then, please, thank you.
Fluttershy: Okay. Sorry.
Twilight Sparkle: God. What was that girl's cutie mark? Like, a mosquito buzzing past someone's ear?
Applejack: That was Fluttershy, darlin'. It's butterflies. It's always been butterflies.
Twilight Sparkle: How do butterflies represent being obnoxious?
Applejack: It don't.
Twilight Sparkle: Huh.
Rainbow Dash: So anyway, my super cool trick plan is to fly so fast that I explode.
Rarity: Bravo, Dash. That was stupider than I thought it was going to be.
Twilight Sparkle: What do you mean? Like a sonic boom?
Rainbow Dash: What is a sonic boom?
Twilight Sparkle: A sonic boom is when you travel 1,225 kilometers per hour. It creates a loud noise.
Rainbow Dash: Oh, my God, science proved my mom!
Twilight Sparkle: You can't travel that fast because the wind resistance would rip your wings off.
Rainbow Dash: I'm gonna win the competition and see the Wonderbolts!
Applejack: Sounds like y'all might wanna get a new ambition, sugarcube.
Rainbow Dash: No, I don't want a new ambition. I like this one.
Rarity: Just let her kill herself, AJ!
Twilight Sparkle: She can't even kill herself that way. She would need at least seventeen thousand kilojoules of magical energy just to maintain that speed.
Rainbow Dash: So you're saying it can be done?
Twilight Sparkle: No.
Rainbow Dash: Those are my favorite odds! I'll see you guys in the newspaper in two weeks!
Rainbow Dash: So, um, I know you're real afraid of flying, so I just wanna say thank you for coming out to Cloudsdale to help support me and stuff. If you fall down and you forget that you don't have wings like you used to when we were kids, then just scream really loud and I'll try to rescue you. Just try not to fall down when I'm in the bathroom or otherwise I don't think I can help.
Heavy Lifting: Hey! It's Rainbow Dash! How've you been? It's been ages.
Rainbow Dash: Oh, no way! It's Heavy Lifting! Oh, you know, it's been okay. How about you?
Heavy Lifting: Not bad. I've been working on the weather plants. My dad was a supervisor, you know.
Rainbow Dash: I know, I remember my spotting partner. I thought you'd do something else with your weightlifting cutie mark though.
Heavy Lifting: Nah. Say, how's your speedster cutie mark going for you? Professional racer now, right?
Rainbow Dash: [scoffs] I wish. No. Mostly I just sleep. Professionally. But it pays the bills, of course. I can afford to put onions in the soup.
Heavy Lifting: So... seeing anybody?
Rainbow Dash: Yeah, my eyesight's still pretty good. I can see you guys. I'm not an old gray mare yet.
Heavy Lifting: That's good. I got contacts.
Rainbow Dash: So guess what I'm here for! No, it's okay, I'll tell you. I'm here for the flyer's competition.
Heavy Lifting: Flyer's competition? Dash, that was two weeks ago.
Rainbow Dash: What?! No, it wasn't! I saw a newspaper four weeks ago that said it was in two weeks! Wait... Aw, man!
Heavy Lifting: I guess you missed it? So... sorry, Dash. Anyway, I got to get back to work. So, um... yeah. See you around maybe.
Rainbow Dash: Fluttershy, this is exactly how I failed my Equestrian History exam! Do you ever have that dream where you signed up for a class somehow, and then you forgot about it, and then it gets to the end of the semester, and there's like a huge final, but then you can't wake up from the dream?! You never wake up! Because it's your life! [crying hysterically]
Fluttershy: I have a lot of very vivid dreams like that, yes.


Episode 15

     
Thrackerzod: You who must not be named, I come to discuss perfectly ordinary business which is not the least bit suspicious. But before we begin, I must ask you – what are you wearing?
He Who Must Not Be Named: [speaking backwards] (It is laundry day and my robes are made from fine imported material! My drycleaner was slow, and thus I vanquished him. But this has resulted in further, unforeseen delays to obtaining my drycleaning!)
Thrackerzod: Very well. Let me be frank in saying that our contract with the devious Twilight Sparkle has been to our disadvantage.
Fluttershy: Excuse me. Can I be a part of this meeting?
He Who Must Not Be Named: (We must exclude this terrible animal!)
Fluttershy: Was that a yes or a no?
Thrackerzod: You have been denied your request!
He Who Must Not Be Named: (We should drown her!)
Thrackerzod: No! She will become suspicious if we murder her. Presently, she is unaware that her home exists where points converge.
He Who Must Not Be Named: (I will defer my judgement to you. We must discuss more pressing matters.)
Thrackerzod: Twilight Sparkle's support base grows beneath the Plateau of Leng. The people of Thorabon have become bold thanks to their new leader's seeming invincibility. We have exhausted our efforts, but the dreaming world is not the source of her power.
He Who Must Not Be Named: (If that were the case we would already have a solution. She has begun a parlay with Nodens. We have petitioned against her and Nodens has refused her treaties so far. But should that change, the situation will become tiresome.)
Thrackerzod: The night gaunts would be upon us. How does she resist the Great Chaos from which all things stem? None should be immune!
Fluttershy: Can I interrupt again?
He Who Must Not Be Named: (Isn't this creature a younger generation of beings? Can't she entertain herself on her smart phone and not interrupt?)
Thrackerzod: Smartphones have not been invented here yet. You confuse yourself on the order of time.
Fluttershy: You guys are talking about Twilight and the Elements of Harmony. Twilight is the element of magic. We work together through friendship. Although she kind of hates us, I think.
Thrackerzod: That is stupid.
He Who Must Not Be Named: (Though it sounds foolish, it's not something we've considered. The "Magic of Friendship" would escape our scrutiny for generations. Perhaps we may turn it against them. Perhaps we may join hands with the Elder Ones and sing about recycling, or sharing.)
Thrackerzod: Are you kidding? That cannot work. We would set an embarrassing precedent.
He Who Must Not Be Named: (But if it works, it works!)
Thrackerzod: Yes, but if it doesn't, we'll look like complete spastic idiots and it will totally ruin our credibility. The source of her power cannot be friendship.
Fluttershy: Actually, I think it's the gemstones that contain all the magical power. Or it's inside of us all along. I'm not really sure. We found some gemstones in the Everfree and they're supposed to be important, but they kind of look like plastic.
Thrackerzod: See? Their power is either innate or granted by gemstones.
He Who Must Not Be Named: (Why would minerals give her power?)
Thrackerzod: I do not know. But I have obtained two unwitting accomplices. I shall gather them here on tomorrow's eve, and we shall conduct a search of the Everfree Forest.
Fluttershy: Okay. See you tomorrow, Sweetie Belle.
He Who Must Not Be Named: (Are you sure we're being discreet?)
Thrackerzod: Yes. She does not suspect a thing. And I shall see to it that no others become aware of our true intentions.
Rarity: Sweetie Belle, there is absolutely no way I'm going to allow you to spend the night with Fluttershy. Why would you even want that?
Thrackerzod: Because Fluttershy has lots of pretty animals. As an ordinary child, I am naturally enamored with them.
Rarity: Well, I doubt that Fluttershy is really all that eager to be looking after kids. I don't know if you've smelled the girl, but she can barely take care of herself
Fluttershy: Actually, after spending time around Sweetie Belle, I realize I don't understand children as well as I thought. I do have a lot of animals, but I still feel sad. I think maybe that's because animals aren't as good as a baby, and maybe that's what I need in my life.
Rarity: Fluttershy, darling, Sweetie Belle is... no proper substitute for happiness. Trust me. She's loud and she's needy and obsessed with statistics. I don't even know what part of the family that comes from. Maybe Dad. He's always on about his sports.
Fluttershy: That's okay. Sweetie Belle has a lot of dreams that I remember as a kid. And since one of her dreams sometimes meets with Sweetie Belle in my living room, I think I may have repressed memories.
Rarity: Sweetie Belle, I don't think you should stay with Fluttershy.
Thrackerzod: That is too bad. Because in normal child fashion, I have invited my friends without consulting you.
Scootaloo: Baby, you gotta be prepared for a surprise sleepover with Scootaloo on any night. Hoo! Spontaneity is part of the magic.
Apple Bloom: I just like to sleep over with friends. It means I don't have to wake up at 6AM and do no chores.
Fluttershy: I want to watch them. They're adorable.
Rarity: Fluttershy, listen to me, you complete retard. You don't know what you're getting into. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. My own mother pays me to watch them, and the price quadruples when Sweetie has friends over.
Fluttershy: I want to watch them. I will pay you to let me do it.
Rarity: Of all the times to grow a spine and some ambition, why would you choose...? Never mind. Just forget it. I don't even... You give me a headache.
Fluttershy: I need this. It will make everything better.
Thrackerzod: If you force us to stay, we shall play ordinary superheroes. And only real dangers shall be deemed authentic.
Rarity: Okay, fine. You lose. I'll bring them by after dinner, but I'm going to need you to sign a few legal documents and waivers.
Rarity: So, Fluttershy, just to be plain as day on this, we now have in contractual writing an agreement stating that you are ill-prepared, probably very foolish, not at all suited for this task, especially compared to moi, definitely a great deal less feminine than myself, and you still will accept full liability for anything that happens, whether the charges be criminal or civil, and you'll pay all the associated court fees.
Fluttershy: I don't care how to try to deter me. Does AJ know that I signed this contract involving her sister?
Rarity: The Apple family has never had enough bumpkin sense or foresight for this type of thing, but I'll cut them in if I have to.
Fluttershy: What about Scootaloo? Do you know her parents? Who do I call if she gets in trouble?
Rarity: The police, usually. But don't feel badly about it, trust me. She's got her own tank full of coloring books and things. The whole force knows her personally. I'm not sure at this age if that means she's a very fast learner or a very slow learner, but try to expect either and lock your door unless you don't care that she'll wind up in your underwear drawer eventually.
Fluttershy: I'm sure she'll behave for me. And if she doesn't, we have a contract saying that we both know I was stupid and you hired me.
Rarity: She won't. And it's going to be your fault. That's how we know that I'm the smarter of us two. I won't take any heat for you.
Fluttershy: I understand the implications.
Rarity: And it's in writing. Can't take it back now. Well, have a good time!
Apple Bloom: So should we start by destroyin' something or should we just wear Fluttershy out with our terrible child energy?
Scootaloo:: I say we use up all of Fluttershy's makeup to make ourselves look sexy. Hoo!
Fluttershy: Please don't lean in my chairs.
Thrackerzod: [muffled] I am being stupid like the others!
Scootaloo:: So, baby, I heard that you have experience with an angry dragon. Does it hurt when it comes out your nose?
Apple Bloom: I want to cook chocolate chip pancakes.
Thrackerzod: I am also being obnoxious!
Scootaloo:: Tell me about that dragon, baby. I need to know.
Fluttershy: I'm not sure I understand.
Scootaloo:: Just tell Scootaloo all the beautiful details.
Fluttershy: Well, it was really big...
Scootaloo:: Hoo!
Fluttershy: ...and it was red...
Scootaloo:: That's normal, baby.
Fluttershy: ...and it could breathe terrifying fire.
Scootaloo:: Oh. I may have misread the context of that situation.
Thrackerzod: Fluttershy, have we sufficiently exhausted you such that we might all retire and do no suspicious activities in the dead of the night?
Fluttershy: Why do you want to go to bed already? Are you bored? Am I boring you?
Apple Bloom: Kinda sorta. You know, my Granny likes to tell stories when it gets late. Y'all know any good stories?
Thrackerzod: I hope that children are eaten to provide a threatening moral.
Fluttershy: Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Little Yellow Riding Hood, and she was very sad. Her grandmother was dying and her parents were divorced. They didn't have a lot of money, and Riding Hood spent a lot of time crying. Then one day, her mom made her get a job to help cover bills, so she delivered papers. It rained, and her feet got tired, and then a wolf who was about her age began teasing Riding Hood about her weight because it always made Riding Hood cry, and that made the wolf laugh.
Scootaloo:: So she hooks up with this fox and he eats this girl?
Fluttershy: No... He was not a fox. He was a wolf.
Scootaloo:: He might've been a foxy wolf, baby. It all depends on how you look at the situation.
Fluttershy: There's no good way to look at this wolf. He was evil.
Scootaloo:: Well, y'all know what they say about evil.
Thrackerzod: They say evil is killed at the end to set a moral example.
Fluttershy: He is a bad wolf, not a fox, and he has no appeal whatsoever. Except with other girls who are also wolves.
Scootaloo:: So tell us about this bad foxy wolf's relationships with the other bad foxy wolves.
Fluttershy: He has no redeeming qualities! He made Riding Hood sad! He is a bad character! He probably dies old and happy because that's how the world is!
Apple Bloom: Well, see, now all the suspense is gone. Let's go do something else.
Fluttershy: But I was telling you a story.
Apple Bloom: Well, that's a boring story about a weak character who ain't no fun.
Fluttershy: Well, if I...
Scootaloo:: Where is that makeup? Let's put some on and then test kissing on each other. Hoo!
Fluttershy: Okay, I just lost all my energy. Maybe now is time for bed after all.
Thrackerzod: Yes. It is time for Fluttershy to lower her guard.
Fluttershy: Bedtime. Bedtime for everyone now.
Apple Bloom: Can't y'all at least give us a glass of apple cider? Granny always gives me a glass of apple cider.
Fluttershy: I don't have any apple cider, but maybe you'll be just as happy as long as we pretend we have apple cider.
Scootaloo:: Pretending just ain't the same as the real deal, baby.
Fluttershy: I know. But I used to pretend like that all the time when I was little. And I know it helps occasionally. Goodnight, little ones.
Thrackerzod: Now that Fluttershy is gone, our sordid ordinary deed may commence.
Apple Bloom: Thrackerzod, I'm not sure I get your plan exactly.
Thrackerzod: It's simple. We go into the woods, identify the source of Twilight's power, and then destroy it!
Apple Bloom: I know, but why really?
Thrackerzod: Because... there will be candy.
Apple Bloom: How does that work?
Thrackerzod: It will be an abstract kind of candy. But you may trust my mutual desire for things identical to what most children desire.
Apple Bloom: I dunno about that. I mean, the forest is dangerous. Did Twilight wrong you or somethin'?
Thrackerzod: No, of course not. No more than she wrongs most ponies.
Apple Bloom: Well, I think she does wrong most ponies.
Thrackerzod: Oh. Then yes. I have been wronged and wish Twilight to lose her powers.
Apple Bloom: Okay, see? Now I getcha. I've heard all about blood feuds, so I can totally help y'all out, I think. So I'm up for it if you gals are.
Apple Bloom: Alright, I think all of us are aware of the danger out here, so we need to stay as quiet as possible.
Scootaloo:: Nah, baby, that ain't how it works. Loud noises scare animals away. When the house is a-rockin', they don't come a-knockin'. Hoo!
Apple Bloom: No, that only works for scaredy little animals that don't eat ponies, like bunnies.
Scootaloo:: And nobody gets the house rockin' like little bunnies. Hoo! So that there is a count in my favor, baby. Although I'm willing to share my rhetorical successes with ya.
Apple Bloom: That's dumb, Scootaloo. We can't share success in a rhetorical debate if we're on opposite sides of an argument.
Scootaloo:: We can if I let you win and that makes you feel like spending more time with me, baby. Scootaloo likes being in control, and when Scootaloo's in control, you're in control, baby.
Apple Bloom: What? No, don't just let me win, 'cause then we ain't gonna learn nothin' about the opposite sides of the argument.
Scootaloo:: Scootaloo argues differently, you beautiful, beautiful girl.
Thrackerzod: You guys need to stay focused on finding the source of Twilight's power.
Apple Bloom: What's it look like anyway?
Thrackerzod: Like a gemstone, only the source of Twilight's power.
Apple Bloom: But the power's inside of her all along.
Thrackerzod: No, it isn't! It is in a gemstone.
Apple Bloom: It ain't though. If it's in anything, it's that silly plastic tiara she wears sometimes, but I don't think that thing matters.
Thrackerzod: Of course it matters! Why else would she have it?!
Apple Bloom: I think that might just be an aesthetic placeholder. In any case, that thing ain't here in the Everfree.
Thrackerzod: Of course it's in the Everfree. I have sources on this.
Apple Bloom: What sources? Because there was a whole bunch of fuss when Celestia showed up and took a bunch of that cheap jewelry back to Canterlot a while ago.
Thrackerzod: When did this happen?
Apple Bloom: Like, a few months ago.
Thrackerzod: Darn it! It must've been when I was on that family trip! My father's unrepentant thirst for camping is truly a burden on us all!
Thrackerzod: So after that, we got lost and didn't find our way home again for three hours. We were lucky not to be devoured.
He Who Must Not Be Named: (My report is going to look sincerely stupid. And here I believed we were finally on to something.)
Thrackerzod: As did I. The others are upstairs sleeping now. But I fear they will be cranky in the morning. And Apple Bloom has been harboring secret criticisms toward the cleanliness of the bathroom and my relation to such concerns. It will indeed be a minefield.
Fluttershy: I'm really sorry you didn't enjoy your sleepover, Sweetie Belle.
He Who Must Not Be Named: (I am getting really sick of this stupid, yellow animal constantly interrupting us!)
Thrackerzod: Seriously. We need to consider finding another spot for our secret meetings.


Episode 16

     
Apple Bloom: Boy, it sure was nice of my sister to spruce this place up. It used to be her old treehouse, and I'd been asking for ages if we could have it.
Scootaloo: It's too bad she didn't let us fix this place up ourselves, baby. With a little planning, this could've been a true bachelor pad. Hoo!
Apple Bloom: Don't y'all mean bachelorette pad?
Scootaloo: Not if we let the bachelors know they're welcome, baby.
Thrackerzod: No, that is a terrible idea. We are normal children, and given how ordinary we are, I hope your sister realizes how frequently we destroy or otherwise maim things we are left alone with. It would be the pinnacle of irresponsibility to allow us access to tools and sharp implements.
Apple Bloom: Aw, that's not true. You know, I'm pretty good with a hammer myself. In fact, I figure that's probably what I'm gonna get my cutie mark in. That or apples. I hope it's fixin' stuff though, 'cause AJ's been whinin' about her hips achin', and I don't want none of that.
Thrackerzod: Why does your family harvest apples by kicking the trees?
Scootaloo: Who cares, baby? With hips like the ones that run in the Apple family, you could just go on loving the memory of good health. Hoo.
Thrackerzod: Regardless, I don't want to be singled out as a child who is good at dangerous construction. It sounds counterintuitive.
Applejack: Hey, y'all kids. How y'all likin' that new clubhouse?
Apple Bloom: It kicks butts, AJ.
Thrackerzod: I feel an appropriate amount of satisfaction.
Scootaloo: We could use some shag carpet, baby.
Applejack: Scootaloo! Y'all are still grounded from Apple Bloom, so I'm pretendin' right now that you ain't here.
Scootaloo: Y'all know how to tease, baby. That's what I like about you.
Applejack: I'm sure y'all... Whatever.
Thrackerzod: We do not require supervision. You may abandon us here.
Applejack: Aww. So eager to be in charge of your own domains, huh? Well, I just wanted to ask y'all what you had planned for your little talent contest.
Apple Bloom: To the who what now?
Applejack: You know. School talent contest? They sent flyers to us. I assumed you guys were told.
Apple Bloom: Oh. Well, I won't admit that I sleep in class in front of Granny, but Miss Cheerilee does spend about half the time helpin' Snips and Snails, so I might've tuned her out a bit.
Thrackerzod: I sacrifice time to the practice of writing frivolous notes, which are then passed to other students.
Scootaloo: Baby, you keep sending me that note asking if I like ya, and I keep checking the "Yes" box. When are we gonna stop going in circles?
Thrackerzod: It is a social ritual. I am reaffirming our social standing.
Applejack: Well, I don't mean to make y'all panic, but the flyer said it's next week. It's not worth a grade, is it?
Apple Bloom: How are we supposed to know what?
Applejack: Alright, then y'all ought to do somethin' just in case.
Apple Bloom: Do we have to?
Applejack: Well, you know how your brother got held back one year because he got sick and didn't show up for the science fair? Let's just say the world ain't always a fair place. So you shouldn't give the chances to hit when you ain't lookin'.
Apple Bloom: Alright, we'll come up with somethin'.
Applejack: Okay. Good luck, girls. Let me know if I can help.
Apple Bloom: Gosh. So what y'all wanna do for this thing?
Scootaloo: I've got an idea, but we're gonna need some fake IDs and a whole ton of money.
Thrackerzod: No. We need to do something that will not get us in the news. What do kids normally do to display talent?
Apple Bloom: I guess before all those big lawsuits, kids used to do cover songs or tap-dancin' or whatever.
Thrackerzod: What do you do now?
Apple Bloom: Now we buy stuff from PonTunes and quietly understand that if we like the music, singin' along will only destroy it.
Thrackerzod: Very well. We shall demonstrate our ability as consumers, just as the other children.
Scootaloo: Baby, that's terrible. We can do better than purchasing mass-produced love. We gotta purchase everyone's love individually!
Apple Bloom: One way or the other, I don't get no allowance. Family policy. Do you guys have money for supplies?
Scootaloo: Baby, I get one bit for every week I ain't in trouble. But I haven't checked in in about three weeks, and I don't think there's anything in the till anyway. Hoo!
Thrackerzod: My parents say that if I am given an allowance, I will never be motivated to want an allowance. I have explored this pathway of reasoning into infinity, and all I can say is that I am glad you guys don't get allowance either, since that means we are the same.
Apple Bloom: Hey, AJ!
Applejack: What's up, kiddo?
Apple Bloom: We figured out how y'all can help.
Applejack: Now, darlin', when I said I could help, you gotta remember I do have stuff to do around the farm.
Apple Bloom: I know. This ain't no imposition. We just need financial aid.
Applejack: Ohhh. Y'all need money? Okay. What for?
Scootaloo: We don't know yet, baby. But you can lay down those beautiful hips and trust us.
Applejack: I dunno about that...
Apple Bloom: Aw, come on, AJ. I'm gonna get held back in school maybe.
Applejack: I guess it ain't ever too early to learn about money. How about you guys come up with some collateral and I'll give you a loan?
Apple Bloom: Collateral? Okay. Um... I guess I'll catch a hundred ladybugs and then you give us a hundred bits, and when I pay you back, you give us back the ladybugs.
Applejack: Actually, you know, this was a dumb idea. How about instead y'all go feed the piggies and then I'll give y'all five bits?
Apple Bloom: Oh, come on, AJ. Only five? That better come with benefits.
Applejack: Take it or leave it.
Apple Bloom: Okay, fine. Five bits to go feed the piggies. I guess between the three of us, it's only gonna take about fifteen minutes, and that's not too bad.
Scootaloo: Baby, I got one conundrum with the job that we just did. Five bits buys two packs of gum, and I can't think of many ways to use gum to spread the message of love.
Thrackerzod: We are children. How much money do we need?
Apple Bloom: Well, frankly, Tiara and Silver Spoon are rich, so if we're gonna compete with them, we're gonna need an infinite amount of money. Or more than they think to spend in a crystallized moment.
Thrackerzod: Let's not worry about what they are doing. Let's worry what everyone else is doing.
Apple Bloom: Well, at the very least, we probably need a budget of about forty bits.
Scootaloo: Baby, I know just how we can early some money.
Apple Bloom: I know what you're gonna suggest, and no. Never again.
Scootaloo: Just puttin' it out there.
Thrackerzod: Everyone just pirated the video last time.
Scootaloo: Maybe we could switch to some kind of ad model—
Apple Bloom: No! Look, we gotta come with a way to make some money, and we're gonna have to do it the honest way.
Scootaloo: Man, but we would've been rich if someone would've just bought one of those videos.
Apple Bloom: Listen, the first place I can think of is the Sugarcube Corner.
Thrackerzod: They'll never hire us. We are unskilled, and Pinkie Pie requires her hourly wage to survive.
Apple Bloom: That may be, but we are twice as adorable and we'll work for half the wages. It's temporary, and if we say we're doin' it for school, we can probably pass it off as an internship.
Thrackerzod: Fine. I am also aware that my sister has considered expanding her advertising.
Apple Bloom: We'll cut some kind of commission deal then and say your sister is offerin' hair salon treatment on top of whatever dresses she's sellin'. We'll handle the hair stuff, then make off like bandits before ponies start demandin' refunds.
Scootaloo: I know this ain't too helpful, but I watch a lot of lovers go out to the lake at night. Sometimes they drop valuable stuff in there which we might be able to pawn off.
Thrackerzod: As long as we are coming up with ideas. I know one worth a fortune.
Twilight Sparkle: This is one of my books on interdimensional demons. It's even got my notes in the margins.
Scootaloo: A little bird told us that some rapscallion kids broke into your house and took some of your stuff, baby. We beat those kids up. For a finder's fee, we'll return the book.
Twilight Sparkle: I'm not gonna pay you guys a ransom for a book I already own.
Scootaloo: Okay. If it ain't worth the bajillion bits to you, I guess we'll come back later.
Rarity: Sweetie Belle, those materials are extraordinarily expensive! You come back with those or I am calling the cops!
Thrackerzod: I am calling your bluff! Tell them you were bested by a child! All is fair in money and politics.
Scootaloo: Well, ladies, I cannot believe how well that went over. We sweat in ways I wouldn't have thought to sweat, and we got all forty bits in four days.
Thrackerzod: Does anyone else notice that we have to be incredibly business-savvy so as to have the financial resources to convince the educational system that we have the intellectual resources to become business-savvy?
Scootaloo: Just relax and enjoy the moment of triumph, baby.
Thrackerzod: I'm not going against the grain. I'm just pointing out a logical inconsistency.
Scootaloo: Well, let's skedaddle on back to our hidey-hole and do the magic.
Apple Bloom: Well, Thrackerzod, now that we're done with all the objective stuff, I have no idea what I want to do with the artsy stuff. I haven't been able to come up with a single creative idea.
Thrackerzod: That is okay. Scootaloo wants to sing a song, and I have been performing research on the most popular types of music. With my asisstance, our wardrobe will reflect the most common trends. We shall not only receive an adequate grade, but we'll also stand out by blending in.
Apple Bloom: That's good, I guess. In case we're terrible, it would be nice to be forgotten right away. But Scootaloo's writin' the lyrics, right? I'm not sure how many times she can rhyme the phrase "sexy booty".
Thrackerzod: I will check on her.
Thrackerzod: Scootaloo, I trust you are writing lyrics that will help us fade into the background.
Scootaloo: No way, baby! Scootaloo does not fade into the background. She explodes in front of everybody! Hoo! Big is best.
Thrackerzod: Might I suggest the four chords of pop? Or alternatively that we play "Hot Crossed Buns"?
Scootaloo: You know, "Hot Crossed Buns" sounds sexy, but the title alone don't carry it.
Thrackerzod: Very well. Show me what you are planning, and I'll tell you if I approve.
[dance beat playing]
[Scootaloo]
Hey there, little ladies, don't you hear my ultimatum?
As I sing the song of love and my lyrics are verbatim?
Give a shout-out from the stallions 'cause my effort's always valiant
So slip off all your shoes and let me be your love companion
I can get you going gentle, be so smooth, it's accidental
Stand the hairs up on your back and send the shivers sentimental
Hoo! Ah!
Hoo! Ah!
You become the only focus as I do my hocus-pocus
As I lay down proper rhythms on your very favorite locus
Hoo! Ah!
Hoo! Ah!
I'm your sexy horse god of love! Come down from far up above!
Mortal ponies, don't you be scared to let your lovin' be shared!
I'm working on my twerking, my libido's always lurking
'Cause you're just such a pretty pony and this feeling can't be phony
I will take you out to dinner, make you feel like such a winner
And before the night is over, make you feel like such a sinner
Any manner make out doesn't matter to me, baby
I can flex to meet your feelings, anything to get you raving
On a plane, on a train, in Spain, in the rain
I can cater to the cravings that a body never named
So I'm working on my twerking just to get your body jerking
So sidle up your saddle while I go and fetch the paddle
Gotta give into your feelings, don't you dither with my dealings
Ain't no grading for my love 'cause I'll fit you like a glove
Lead or you can follow, do whatever you can swallow
Tell it to your friends, everybody, shake your ends
Tonight's about the meaning of the body-rocking being
Cause' there ain't no lasting limits, any place that you can visit
Just have at with your hair!
Move your rump to the snare!
Now work your twerking, now work your twerking
Throw that modesty out!
Just have at with your hair!
Move your rump to the snare!
Now work your twerking, now work your twerking
Throw that modesty out!
Give your body up, I'm here to blow your mind!
Get that body working, baby!
Get that body working, baby!
Give your body up, I'm here to blow your mind!
Get that body working, baby!
Get that body working, baby!
I'm your sexy horse god of love! Come down from far up above!
Mortal ponies don't you be scared to let your lovin' be shared!
If you haven't gotten moving to the message I've been grooving
Better check if you've been breathing 'cause there must've been a reason
But baby, you be lucky 'cause I'm always pretty plucky
And I can be a doctor just to get your body rockin'
You know it is my duty to satisfy your booty
You got a sexy booty
Sexy booty, sexy booty, sexy booty, sexy booty, sexy booty
Sexy booty, sexy booty, sexy booty, sexy booty, sexy booty!
[instrumental continues until end]
Apple Bloom: Wow! I can't believe it! We won the talent contest!
Scootaloo: I don't know what lesson to take home from all this, baby, but I am enjoying the moment!
Thrackerzod: How did we get here? How did you get those noises out of the piano?


Episode 17

     
Spike: Everyone, listen up! I've got important, terrible news! A bunch of dogs took my treasure hoard, and you guys have to help me set them on fire!
[beat]
Spike: Okay, I'll cut you in for ten percent.
Twilight Sparkle: So what exactly is the deal here, Spike?
Spike: I was with Rarity and she was helping me hunt for gems.
Spike: Now, the important thing to know here is that, although I'm giving you a ninety percent cut, that ninety percent is still part of my hoard, technically speaking.
Rarity: No, that's a big N-O, I think.
Spike: Aw, come on. I didn't do the math before I agreed to this.
Rarity: That's why they say "age before beauty", Spike. Although in this case, I suppose I have both advantages. Here's a spot. Dig away.
Applejack: Wait. So when y'all offered us ten percent of your hoard, did y'all mean everything you found that day or just the stuff you kept from Rarity?
Spike: Aye. Sorry, girls. I'm keeping this last jewel for myself.
Applejack: Well, I'd be lyin' if I said I weren't a stranger to fuzzy math myself, so go ahead.
Spike: So don't tell Twilight about this, but I've been in her books about dragons, and it turns out that if I collect a gigantic hoard, I will both get a girlfriend and become more powerful.
Twilight Sparkle: You're an idiot, Spike. I'm standing right here.
Spike: I'm recounting the story! It might be fictional.
Rarity: You're an idiot, Spike.
Spike: But I'm soon to be a rich idiot, which is the best kind of idiot that you can be.
Rarity: I guess that is true. You can't really argue with that. You'll be able to sit in for city council meetings and have some power.
Spike: I can already sit in for those. They're boring.
Rarity: Yes, but when you make money, you deserve to make decisions.
Spike: Ooh. I see how it is. That's pretty good then. You know, I've never had authority in my life before. I'm looking forward to the success of this plan.
Rarity: Oh, yes, me too, dear. Dig here please.
Spike: I'm in charge of my own destiny now. I'm gonna have my own mountain with my own curvy dragon women.
Rarity: Are dragons even really all that social? I thought that mates just came and stole all your money.
Spike: Yeah. How's that different from what you do?
Rarity: [mock laughter] Well, I'm glad you asked. Because at the shallowest level, it may seem that way, but it's so much more complex. First of all, the stallion has to meet a number of criteria.
Applejack: What? Rarity wouldn't say that. She ain't selective.
Spike: I'm telling the story here please.
Spike: I've got a good sense of humor. Here, I've got a joke. What do you get when you have a book on entomology?
Rarity: I dunno. I'm listening.
Spike: You get bookworms! 'Cause they're like bugs, and that's... what entomology is about.
Twilight Sparkle: [voiceover] Heh. I taught him that one.
Spike: [voiceover] Quit interrupting my story!
Rarity: That sounds like something Twilight would come up with.
Spike: Nae. I made it up myself.
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, you complete bastard.
Spike: It's Spike's story! That's when they got me. They said they were Diamond Dogs. They ran off with my treasure and took Rarity with them.
Applejack: Man. Can any of y'all imagine Rarity in captivity? She'd be one of those animals that eats her own legs.
Fluttershy: I think she'd be scared and maybe she would faint.
Applejack: She'll probably be writin' a melodramatic book about the experience as soon as we get her back. Well, come on, let's go. She's probably weepin' and hollerin'.
Rarity: Okay. Now, to be perfectly clear, can you please repeat what you just said?
Rover: Pony make sandwich.
Rarity: I'm sorry, I must be going deaf in one of my ears. Could you say that again please?
Rover: Pony make sandwich.
Rarity: One more time. I'm-I'm sure I'll hear you this time.
Rover: Pony make sandwich.
Rarity: See, that's what I thought. No.
Rover: Pony... Pony make sandwich!
Rarity: No, I heard you this time. I'm not doing it.
Rover: Pony make sandwich.
Rarity: No.
Rover: Why not pony make sandwich?
Rarity: Because a number of logistical reasons—I don't have sandwich fixings, no bread, no lettuce, no mayonnaise—and because I said no!
Rover: Pony is ordered. Cannot refuse.
Rarity: No.
Rover: Okay. Pony don't make sandwich.
Rarity: Okay...
Rover: Pony don't make sandwich.
Rarity: Alright, I'm not making a sandwich.
Rover: Pony has fallen for reverse psychology!
Rarity: Uh... I'm not really sure what's going on, so... Did you... Did you not want me to make a sandwich or what?
Rover: Now pony defy Diamond Dogs.
Rarity: What the hell is going on?!
Rover: Diamond Dogs catch pony...
Rarity: Uh-huh...
Rover: Pony don't make sandwich...
Rarity: Yes, right. No sandwich.
Rover: So Diamond Dogs trick pony.
Rarity: Okay, now, see, this is the point where I'm lost. Maybe you've tricked me too efficiently.
Rover: No-no-no. Now pony make sandwich.
Rarity: No.
Rover: Curse you, pony!
Rarity: I can't do it! This is a self-defeating argument!
Twilight Sparkle: There's hundreds of these tunnels. How are we supposed to find Rarity?
Applejack: Just listen for the screams of agony as she chips a hoof.
Rainbow Dash: Guys, I'm bored. I want to go home.
Spike: I've got an idea. Why don't we follow the pathway that has the most number of gemstones? That's where they'll be.
Twilight Sparkle: No, that's stupid. They're Diamond Dogs. They mine for diamonds. They're not gonna be where the diamonds are; they're gonna be where the diamonds aren't.
Spike: How does that make sense? They mine where the diamonds are.
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, but if they knew where the diamonds were, they would've mined them out. They stripped the diamonds.
Spike: From the tunnel with the most diamonds in it though, right?
Twilight Sparkle: This is gonna take forever. Maybe we should just go home.
Rover: Okay. Pony don't make sandwich so much, so now pony pull cart.
Rarity: Oh, for goodness sake. So where does pony pull to?
Rover: Pony pull over there.
Rarity: Over where?
Rover: Over there! Where dog is looking.
Rarity: Where specifically please?
Rover: [sighs] Over there. Where is dog is looking. Why pony have such hard time?
Rarity: Can you point out a landmark or something? I don't know.
Rover: See where Diamond Dog is looking?
Rarity: Yes, in the vaguest sense.
Rover: Over there. Where Diamond Dog is looking.
Rarity: How about I just walk over there and you tell me if I'm hot or cold?
Rover: No! Okay. Fine. Dogs, dig over there. Pony go second.
[crash]
Rarity: Did... Oh, my God, did those dogs just kill themselves by causing a cave-in?!
Rover: Yes.
Rarity: You are underground dwellers who dig tunnels to live. How could you not be mindful of cave-ins?!
Rover: Pony, dog has been digger for all dog's life. Maybe when pony has been digger for all dog's life, then pony will understand.
Rarity: That has got to be the most asinine thing I've ever heard. You know, I'm sure the old methods are wonderful, but there has got to be a way to dig for gemstones that isn't suicidal.
Rover: Pony dig now.
Rarity: No!
Rover: Why pony not dig?!
Rarity: Because I will die in a cave-in. How come everything you tell me to do is self-defeating? There's dull-witted and then I don't even know what this is. How do you survive?! When you chew gum, does your brain forget to send signals to your heart?! This has got to be some kind of record for stupidity!
Rover: Pony make sandwich.
Rarity: I will never make you a sandwich.
Rover: Diamond Dog has tried everything! All possibilities explored! Every route of dialogue exhausted! Diamond Dog try to make pony see! Try to make pony realize error of pony's way! But still, pony clings to old cultures! Refuses to integrate!
Rarity: Darling, I don't want to integrate with your dumb society. I want to go home.
Rover: No, pony. Pony is better here. Is better with Diamond Dogs.
Rarity: It's not. It's really not.
Rover: Oh. And pony dogs suppose that high and mighty pony knows better ways to be Diamond Dogs than Diamond Dogs?
Rarity: Probably. How many of you have worms?
Rover: Diamond Dogs prefer not to say.
Rarity: Well, if you let me go, I will buy you pills for worms. Does that sound like a fair trade?
Rover: Oh, pony... Diamond Dog will not be tricked so easily. Dog knows how it goes. Dog let pony go, dog get worm pills, then pony escapes.
Rarity: Yes, dear, that's part of the arrangement. You let me go to freedom and I get you your worm pills.
Rover: Then if pony escape, how does dog benefit?
Rarity: I will buy you. Worm pills.
Rover: But then pony escape!
Rarity: No, I won't. I'll stay captured, I promise.
Rover: Pony is released and stays captured? And dogs get worm pills?
Rarity: Sure. Just get me to the surface and turn me loose in town, and that's exactly how that will work.
Rover: Pony, do pony know what this means?
Rarity: I hope it's that we have a deal and that you have an aneurysm!
Rover: The prophecy has come true! Pony is pony of prophecy!
Rainbow Dash: Rarity! We came to save you!
Rarity: Way to take your time, guys. I'm already their queen, but good rescuing, I guess.
Applejack: Now, how in the heck did you get to be their queen?
Rarity: I have no idea. Just take me home please.


Episode 18

     
Rarity: Fluttershy, what exactly happened after I requested that you do this job? I would swear you put on four hundred pounds just to spite me! You knew how big this opportunity was for me, and yet here you are just as big. Lights! I just know this is gonna end in a great, big, boneheaded, big-boned disaster.
Twilight Sparkle: I don't really get what the problem is with, uh... Butterfly's weight.
Rarity: That's because you don't understand fashion, Twilight. Fluttershy is representing my entire brand of clothing. I don't want fillies to see her and think that my clothes make you look fat.
Twilight Sparkle: I thought the thing about the fashion industry was that everyone's a female or a gay stallion. So they're looking for body types that look like skinny teenage boys.
Rarity: No... It's just that a skinny teenage boy has the ideal body type for a filly. Fluttershy, why is your butt so fat?! Are you storing up for winter?!
Twilight Sparkle: I dunno. I always thought just a little bit of girly pudge was not only expected but desirable.
Rarity: Yes, says the friendless virgin. Stallions don't have any standards. Pinkie Pie, back me up on this.
Pinkie Pie: Fluttershy is fat!
Rarity: Thank you, Pinkie. That was good.
Photo Finish: I am Photo Finish, and I am here now to finish your photos. But in an artistic way.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, just let yourself in, you psychopath.
Rarity: No, no, it's fine. The door was unlocked.
Photo Finish: It is fine because everyone knows who I am.
Rarity: Yes, and we are so glad to have you here.
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie is not glad. Yes.
Photo Finish: Oh, mein God. That is the fattest model I have ever seen. No matter. We shall make beauty from nothing.
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, we ought to trim her bangs into bowl-cut.
Rarity: Okay, Fluttershy, this is it. Just try to remember to suck in your gigantic pudge.
Photo Finish: Okay, I am ready to take photos. Now smile for the camera.
[camera clicks]
Photo Finish: Okay, good. Now pout for the camera.
[camera clicks]
Photo Finish: Okay, good. Now... do something else. I don't know.
Twilight Sparkle: How does she know if the lighting's any good while she's wearing sunglasses?
[camera clicks]
Photo Finish: Okay, that was good. That was definitely something else, just like I ask you. Now... uh... try pouting again.
[camera clicks]
Photo Finish: Okay. I am out of ideas, so we are done.
Rarity: Well, that was brief and disappointing. Way to ruin everything again, Fluttershy.
Fluttershy: Sorry...
Photo Finish: Nothing was ruined. Everything was perfect. Well, perhaps there was a bit too much purple. Everywhere. But still, I will send you a contract. Sign within the week.
Rarity: Oh! Oh, well, that's wonderful! I'll keep an eye out.
Photo Finish: I will see you both in one week.
Rarity: Well, Fluttershy, it looks like you didn't lose a single ounce of weight. But good news. I put together an outfit that should slim you down and make you look less like a giant winged hippopotamus.
Fluttershy: Thank you. I'm sure this'll sell really well.
Rarity: I'm sure my designs will do great in spite of you. But I have a question though. When you signed that contract, did you read it through at all?
Fluttershy: Not really. It was really hard to understand.
Rarity: Oh. Well, I hope you didn't sign it yet, because my contract read like the Holocaust. I can't imagine what yours was like.
Fluttershy: I did sign it already. I was worried I would disappoint you. But you're just exaggerating, right? It's not really... like... a big tragedy?
Rarity: [chuckles nervously] Well, it was sort of, uh, just an endless series of rights violations, so a bit of a tragedy perhaps.
Fluttershy: But not like... not like a serious...?
Rarity: Well, of course they won't be able to put you in a furnace or anything, but I hope you like abusing substances because the hours you promised to work for them are just ludicrous. You might need a slight pick-me-up for the occasional twenty-hour day.
Fluttershy: Maybe I can get out of the contract. I-I only signed it a week ago.
Rarity: I'm afraid a week is actually the cooling period for this kind of contract, so you're out of luck.
Fluttershy: Oh...
Rarity: It's okay though. It's only one year, so you should be fine if you don't kill yourself.
Photo Finish: Rarity. You are fired.
Rarity: I'm sorry, w-what?!
Photo Finish: You attempted to change the contract from beneath my nose. I hate yooouuu...!
Rarity: But it's a contract! It's supposed to be negotiable!
Photo Finish: It is not negotiable. What you have done is intolerable. We will not work with yoooouuuu.
Fluttershy: Can I be released from my contract?
Photo Finish: No.
Fluttershy: I tried to be optimistic.
Rarity: You can't do this. I-I'm willing to negotiate.
Photo Finish: And we are not.
Rarity: W-Well, I... [stuttering] I don't know if I can agree to those terms. I need some time to think about it.
Photo Finish: The offer is no longer on the table. Fluttershy, you now belong to fashion. You, take your marshmallow money-maker and shake it somewhere else.
[Pinkie Pie]
It's pony fashions, pony fashions
Selling many clothings
Popular anxieties
Selling many clothings
The pony want to kill herself
Selling apple apples
Apple juice up in the sky
Fashion horse is popular
Glamorous is a miserable horse
Rarity is ugly
Pinkie Pie: Let Pinkie know if you wish to hear another one.
Rarity: Thank you, Pinkie. That wasn't one of your best, but, uh... we're good for now.
Pinkie Pie: Yes.
Rarity: Besides, she got licensed to sell carrot juice, not apple juice, but I suppose who the hell cares?
Twilight Sparkle: You must be really thrilled one of your friends got so high up in the fashion world. Now you got a real contact there and that's how you get work in that industry, right?
Rarity: Fluttershy is so busy with that terrible abomination of a contract, she may as well be dead to us. It should be me!
Twilight Sparkle: You know she's just gonna be a fart in the wind, right? I mean, come on. It's like fifteen minutes of fame.
Rarity: Oh, it's more than fifteen minutes, and you know, you can do a lot with this sort of thing. I've never seen a plus-size model get so famous so quickly.
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, I've been meaning to ask you about that. I mean, you keep making fun of her weight, and they say she's a plus-size model, but... aren't I like a... little bit bigger than she is?
Rarity: You're about the same.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, I'm not plus-size.
Rarity: Oh, come off it, Twilight. You're not plus-size and neither is she, and even if you were, plus-size isn't that big. The entire modeling thing is just to create a fictional character for you to be jealous of so you'll buy the products.
Twilight Sparkle: I know... that, but you just kept making fun of her weight and... seriously, it's been bothering me for, like, three months.
Rarity: Well, get over it. Fashion is a ruthless industry and I can't believe that Fluttershy is cut out for it. And I'm not. It makes me look like a putz.
Twilight Sparkle: Eh, you'd be a putz either way.
Rarity: Fluttershy is cut out for my line of work, and I'm not! She's bringing me down just by existing!
Twilight Sparkle: I thought she was a fictional character for you to be jealous of.
Rarity: In my line of work, comparison and image means everything! Standing side by side with her, I look like an idiot! Sure, that contract was terrible, but she can tough it out. I could have too!
Twilight Sparkle: I don't think any of your clients in Ponyville care.
Rarity: Who cares about podunk Ponyville?! Fluttershy has to die! There's no other way!
Twilight Sparkle: What?!
Rarity: Where did Pinkie go? Back me up on this, Pinkie.
[beat]
Rarity: Oh, that girl is so unreliable.
Twilight Sparkle: Why do you want to kill your dumb friend?
Rarity: Fine! We'll do it your way. We'll just sabotage her career.
Twilight Sparkle: I didn't suggest that either. That's retarded and you're retarded.
Rarity: I hate her career and she hates her career. Shouldn't that be enough?
Twilight Sparkle: How do you know she hates her career?
Rarity: Because I'm not stupid!
Twilight Sparkle: Fine. What do I get if I help?
Rarity: Oh, what? You're not gonna do it to bolster the magic of friendship?
Twilight Sparkle: Blow it out your ass.
Rarity: Isn't it what you're supposed to be studying?!
Twilight Sparkle: We're talking, like, a crime here. Or a civil suit at the least.
Rarity: Okay, fine, fine. How about, ugh... you don't have to pay for your Gala outfit?
Twilight Sparkle: That's it?
Rarity: Oh, what?!
Twilight Sparkle: She's a high-end fashion model. Think of the magnitude of the lawsuit.
Rarity: Oh, come on, Twilight! I'm begging you! I'll throw in a thousand bits.
Twilight Sparkle: A thousand?
Rarity: Are... Are you holding out for sexual favors?
Twilight Sparkle: No!
Rarity: Oh, thank God.
Twilight Sparkle: Why? I mean, not to pursue, but what's wrong with me?
Rarity: Nothing. What the heck are you doing? A thousand bits. Take it or leave it.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, I mean, you're the one who brought it up.
Rarity: Twilight!
Twilight Sparkle: Fine, I'll do it.
Rarity: [sigh] Thank you. You have no idea what this means to me. Neither do I maybe. It's all very emotional.
Fluttershy: ...And I had almost worked enough courage to throw myself off the roof of the building, but then I thought to myself, "I'm a Pegasus, and what if I fall slower than a normal pony?" I mean, you never really know about these kind of things until you try them, and I don't try very many things. So I think to myself, "What if I try?"
Twilight Sparkle: This is, uh, not what I came here to discuss.
Fluttershy: Well, all the same, I'm really glad that you did come by because I've always wanted to say to you, "Twilight Sparkle, I hate you so much! I hate you! I hate you!"
Twilight Sparkle: You're not making a lot of eye contact with me. You feeling okay there, Sparky?
Fluttershy: Now that I said that, I really don't feel like anything is different. I thought it make my whole world all better. And now I don't feel very good. I haven't slept in three days. I'm supposed to sleep every third day, and I took the pill, but it didn't work. I think maybe because I'm so tired.
Twilight Sparkle: They got you on some hardcore amphetamines, don't they?
Fluttershy: You're not supposed to say it out loud!
Twilight Sparkle: Uh, okay, here's an idea. What if you just quit this job?
Fluttershy: What if Celestia just quit her job of raising the sun? What would she do tomorrow? How would she even know there was a tomorrow? I can't quit my job. You know, Twilight, I used to think that you were really mean, and then I got really stressed out, and now I see what it's like when you're really stressed out, and now I think...
[beat]
Twilight Sparkle: Hello?
Fluttershy: Hello.
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, wow.
Photo Finish: Hello. It is me, Photo Finish, here to check on our star. Why are you not prepared for the show?
Fluttershy: Miss Photo Finish, ma'am, I didn't know what time it was. Also, there was a thousand cockroaches on the ceiling this morning and I called for someone to come get them, but nobody would get them down. And now they're gone and I think they might be hiding in the closet.
Photo Finish: Oh. I see what has happened. Fluttershy, you are in violation of contract.
Fluttershy: ...I can stop.
Photo Finish: No, it is too late. In accordance to contract, you will give us back everything we have paid you. Also, you will reimburse us for the show.
Fluttershy: Oh, no, that sounds really expensive.
Photo Finish: It is. And now you are fired. Goodbye.
[door closes]
Twilight Sparkle: Well... I earned a thousand bits today. I could, uh... rent you a hotel space.


Episode 19

     
Rarity: AJ... explain to me again why I'm not at my boutique and am instead escorting an apple tree all the way out to the desert!
Applejack: Well, Miss Rarity, I reckon that it's a really important journey.
Rarity: Important to whom exactly?
Applejack: To me. It's important to me. And y'all are my friend, so thank you very much.
Rarity: AJ, I hate you. Openly and truly. I do not keep it a secret.
Applejack: Oh, well, oh, well. 'Cause y'all are gonna help me lift this here tree and take it to wherever it needs to go as soon as we get wherever it is that we're goin'.
Rarity: And you are every bit as stupid as this trip if you think I'm going to help you lift a tree.
Applejack: Would you just stop your bellyachin'? I paid for your tickets. I feel like this is a pretty fair deal. I never said that you wouldn't help me lift an apple tree.
Rarity: And I don't suppose that you're familiar with opportunity costs because you are a mudpony high school dropout! If I skip a week of work, it will still cost me a thousand bits!
Applejack: Oh, well, then why'd y'all come along, Miss Theoretical-High-Fashion-Workin'-All-the-Time, even though I know you don't have a job right now?
Rarity: Oh, I do not expect you to know how I work and the fact that, although I'm not working all the time, when I do work, I'm working very hard. And besides, everyone else was going and I didn't want to be excluded. And I thought we were gonna go and see your rich family in Manehattan.
Applejack: My family in Manehattan are orange farmers. This is an apple tree. Now, I could understand if you couldn't tell the difference between one apple tree and another, but if you can't tell the difference between an apple and an orange, well, so much for your high-falutin' education!
Rarity: Is that so? Well, you know what? I was talking to the bachelor herd and do you know what they said? They all agreed that those freckles of yours, those white spots? They look like a fungal infection!
Applejack: Oh, I-I'm sorry, can y'all speak up? The only thing I can hear is the honk of the town bicycle.
Rarity: Joke's on you. I don't have a horn; I have a bell! And I'm about to ring yours!
Twilight Sparkle: Hey, guys? There's something going on up here.
Rainbow Dash: Man! Look at all those fat, horny guys!
Twilight Sparkle: You make me want to kill myself. They're bison, Dash.
Pinkie Pie: Hey! Yes. You! You are filthy!
Twilight Sparkle: They're a little too close to the train.
Rainbow Dash: Oh, I'll go and tell them.
Rainbow Dash: Hey—!
[crash]
Pinkie Pie: And thus ends the terrible reign of Rainbow Dash. Yes.
Applejack: Hey! They're stealin' my tree!
Twilight Sparkle: Wasn't Spike sleeping under the bed in that car?
Spike: Oi! What in the hell is going on?!
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, yeah. There he is.
Applejack: Spike! Save the tree! Breathe fire on 'em!
Spike: I hold all of you responsiblllllllllle!
Applejack: ...And he held out the last syllable of "responsible", and that's the last we saw of him. Those bison ran off with our tree and took Twilight's pet Spike with 'em!
Rarity: Are you the cousin that AJ slept with?
Twilight Sparkle: Spike is really more of a slave than a pet. I mean, he's bitten kids before, so... heads up.
Braeburn: So, uh, you gossip with your friends, huh?
Applejack: I don't exactly say... [stuttering] Rarity's kinda extrapolatin' from some stuff.
Rarity: I don't know, AJ. If I were you, I might extrapolate with him.
Braeburn: We ain't gonna have to get married now, are we?
Applejack: No, no, no! Extrapolatin' just means there's a lot of insubstantial rumors and no reason for anyone to... be worried.
Braeburn: [sigh] Thank Celestia.
Applejack: Yeah, praise be, though I don't know if we should be thankin' Celestia... yet. It's in our hooves. You know, if the family has its way...
Braeburn: Yeah, yeah, sure, not-not to eliminate, uh... Hey, speakin' of family, how's your brother doin'?
Applejack: He's fine. He said hello. Granny's still kickin', Apple Bloom still hasn't gotten her cutie mark yet, but it'll come in time. She seems to take a shine to fixin' stuff.
Braeburn: That's good, that's good. So your brother though – is he still... Does... D-Does he still practice? Like, I mean, does he still like to practice in the bachelor herd during the off-seasons?
Applejack: Why, Braeburn, I don't... know? I don't keep up with that sort of thing.
Braeburn: Does he ever say it helps out a lot?
Applejack: It don't... I imagine.
Braeburn: [quietly] Okay.
Applejack: So about Spike, the tree, and the buffalo...
Braeburn: Right, right. Well, it's a right big deal, because as you know, well, we've all busted our humps tryin' to get this apple orchard startin' in the desert.
Rarity: Oh, I know something you can bust.
Applejack: Just ignore her please! We're movin' on!
Braeburn: Anyway, the earth is hard, cracked, lacks nutrients, there's virtually zero rainfall, the soil pH is all wrong, and on top of that, we haven't done a great job prunin' the fruit to prevent the tree limbs from breakin'. Those darn buffalo are gonna be the death of this harvest! We've established ourselves here. And then they showed up demandin' the right to stampede across this land. And for what? I don't know. We didn't ask.
Braeburn: But just look! The town is approximately no more than fifty feet across! Why don't they just go around us?!
Rainbow Dash: Man, I'm lost in the desert. Any minute now, I'm gonna get attacked by giant scorpions.
Pinkie Pie: There is much worse things awaiting Rainbow Dash than scorpions. Yes.
Rainbow Dash: Pinkie? What are you doing in the desert? Wait, are you a mirage?
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie Pie is a menagerie of justice and suffering. Yes. Her piercing gaze saw through the fakery of your death. Who are you evading, Rainbow Dash? Your methods are amateur. Yes.
Rainbow Dash: You gotta be quiet. I'm evading giant scorpions. Also, help me keep an eye out for those big, fat, horny guys.
[pause]
Rainbow Dash: Oh, now what the crap is this? You fly away, Pinkie! I'll stay and fight!
Spike: Now there's no need for that. "Skittles" and "Crazy" are with me.
Spike: So it turns out they stole AJ's tree because they really hate the apple orchard that her family's putting together. Also, they hate ponies. But they're okay with dragons.
Rainbow Dash: How'd they know we had the tree?
Spike: I didn't ask. I guess they guessed.
Rainbow Dash: Well then, how would they know that the tree was specifically in the caboose?
Spike: Does it really matter?
Rainbow Dash: It so totally does matter! What if the tree was in, like, one of the front cars instead of the caboose?
Spike: Well, I'd derail the whole train and kill everyone, but that's me. I can't speak for them.
Rainbow Dash: How come AJ is building an orchard in the desert?
Spike: I got kidnapped before I even got to Appleloosa. And besides, I try not to ask questions because it never makes sense.
Rainbow Dash: It's all very suspicious.
Little Strongheart: [with Indian accent] I can tell you why they are building an orchard: to make money by impeding our stampeding path.
Rainbow Dash: Who's this fat guy?
Spike: This is Strongheart, Dash. She's not fat. Or a guy. She's a bison.
Rainbow Dash: Well, I don't know how to tell their gender.
Spike: Same way you tell a mare from a stallion.
Rainbow Dash: I am not here to look at buffalo butts.
Spike: You're not here for any reason.
Rainbow Dash: Exactly.
Spike: Okay, I'm sorry. Go ahead.
Little Strongheart: Well, the point I was trying to make is that we have tried to negotiate with the ponies, but we have made no progress.
Rainbow Dash: Okay, now, when you said "negotiate", do you mean, like, you cried in the store? 'Cause my mom says that, when you make one-sided demands, that is not negotiating.
Little Strongheart: That is very disrespectful. It is our land. We're not going to offer anything to use our own land.
Spike: Look, she's really slow. So let's have Chief Thunderhooves lay it out and then decide on a death sentence or something.
Chief Thunderhooves: [with Indian accent] The annual stampede is a lengthy ritual symbolic of the endless cycle of death and rebirth. Each year it is done, and every year we perform a choreographed song and dance number about the travels.
Little Strongheart: But this year, there will be no song or dance routine. How can we choreograph when we have to travel fifty feet to the left or to the right just to get around this town?
Chief Thunderhooves: When I am reincarnated, I do not want to be told that we could do not this because I was too lazy in a previous life!
Rainbow Dash: I know how it is to be struck by fear with laziness! I will assist you!
Applejack: Okay, so here's our plan for savin' Rainbow Dash from those buffalo. We wander off into the desert, and then it works itself out.
Pinkie Pie: We save time by finding you and the buffaloes! Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: Does anyone else just feel clumsy and all over the place today?
Rainbow Dash: And look! I brought a buffalo! I brought it here to negotiate with you guys. Okay, so here's the deal. You guys are building on their land, so all you gotta do is clear some of the trees so they can run through there, and that's it. That's my plan.
Braeburn: Well, clearin' a path would cost us a quarter million bits at least.
Rainbow Dash: Okay! I'll go tell them!
Rainbow Dash: So they said the land is worth, like, a quarter billion bits, Chief Fatguy.
Chief Thunderhooves: Are you being serious right now? Our land is worth a quarter billion bits? Well, then tell them they can have it for a quarter billion bits!
Rainbow Dash: So they said you can have the land for a quarter billion bits.
Braeburn: Oh, well, no way! That's insane! It'd take us generations to earn back that money!
Rainbow Dash: Yeah, but you're gonna be here for generations. That's how come the land is worth so much.
Braeburn: No, no, no. A billion bits right now is worth way more than a billion bits several generations down the line. Don't y'all know how to do cost projections?
Rainbow Dash: I sure don't.
Braeburn: Well, you've gotta figure out a lot of inflation and so on. Basically, no, this land don't got infinite worth.
Rainbow Dash: So apparently I think I misunderstood how much the land was worth. That's how much they spent on the apples.
Chief Thunderhooves: They spent a quarter billion on apples?!
Rainbow Dash: Yeah. I mean, AJ's family is just nuts about apples. Although I guess that was maybe how much they thought it would be worth in the future. I dunno. Braeburn tried to explain, but it was just apple-based insanity.
Chief Thunderhooves: Okay. Do not tell anyone I tried to sell the land. The land is sacred.
Rainbow Dash: Okay.
Chief Thunderhooves: They cannot have the land if they are not going to pay us somehow. Tell them they cannot have the land.
Rainbow Dash: So they say you guys can't have the land unless you pay for it, so here's the deal.
Rainbow Dash: They said if you're not willing to negotiate, then you have to pay them a quarter billion bits to use some of the land.
Chief Thunderhooves: What? That is outrageous. It is our sacred land. Tell them they can lick my butthole!
Rainbow Dash: So they said you could have the land if you lick the chief's butt.
Braeburn: Would that really make this go away?
Chief Thunderhooves: Of course not! Good lord, what do these ponies think of us?!
Braeburn: Well, why did he offer it if it wasn't a serious negotiation?
Chief Thunderhooves: I cannot believe they thought that was an offer! What kind of depraved society do you come from?! I was trying to indicate that his proposal of us paying him is unacceptable.
Braeburn: And here I thought we are almost at a literal bottom to the solution for this conflict. Well, how about this? We'll give them a yield of our crops every year and we'll lay down a trail for them to use that goes around the orchard.
Chief Thunderhooves: The land is sacred and worth a quarter billion bits. I am not going to settle for an apple pie once or twice a year as payment for this outrage. I think they need to be buffalo in the first place. Have that fellow marry my daughter. That might solve it.
Little Strongheart: I don't want to get married.
Chief Thunderhooves: Too bad! This is for politics!
Braeburn: Oh, gee, I-I don't know about marriage. You know, I-I've been thinkin', and maybe, you know, I might be more happy as a bachelor.
Chief Thunderhooves: He dare snub my daughter's hoof in marriage?! I will see to it that he is boiled alive! We will strip the skin from his very flesh and wear it as a symbol of our rightful heritage over the region!
Little Strongheart: It is okay, I am not mad. He was kind of a girly horse anyway, and I'm not into that.
Chief Thunderhooves: He has hurt your self-esteem! He will be killed!
Braeburn: Now wait! Why am I the target of aggression?! You tell him that if he's gonna wear my skin, I'll have his ass on a plate!
Chief Thunderhooves: Again with this? I have had enough. It is time for war.
[tribal drums pounding]
Rainbow Dash: Okay, so... something went wrong. I think I need a do-over.


Episode 20

     
Fluttershy: Okay, Mr. Mouse. Now, I want you to stay off of that leg for about two months. And when the cast is ready to come off, please don't chew off your own leg. I cannot count the number of times that has happened with my mouse friends. I know it seems like a good idea at the time because it gets the cast removed, but you have to remember that it's disruptive for the treatment of your leg. So come to me and I will get it off for you. Also, don't go to the vet. I know that he's in town, but he will charge you money because he doesn't treat with love like I do. And finally, because I know that she's the one who bit your leg in the first place, if your wife decides to eat you for the delicious nutrients in your body, you have to put your foot down – your other foot, the one that's still okay – and you tell her "we may be omnivores, but we are not omni-impolite". Oh, hello, Angel. I was just helping the mice that live in my walls and... eat your food and stuff. I'm sorry!
[beat]
Fluttershy: No, Angel, we need to live in harmony.
[beat]
Fluttershy: Oh. Are you thinking about time? I think about time a lot. Like how your whole existence is defined by what others think about you. That means that, if others don't think about you a whole lot, then it's like you don't even exist. I think maybe because I take care of so many little animals and they all have such very short memories. It's like I barely am real at all. And that's why Twilight Sparkle doesn't ever remember my name. But thankfully I have you, who thinks about me quite a lot.
[beat]
Fluttershy: Oh, are you saying it's time for my shower?
[beat]
Fluttershy: Okay. I was thinking though... maybe I could do without supervision?
[beat]
Fluttershy: Okay. Well then, maybe can you not slap the soap away every five minutes? I get really tired of bending over to pick it up again so often.
[beat]
Fluttershy: Well, that's okay. I guess the exercise is good for me.
[bell ringing]
Fluttershy: Such a time-efficient bell on that clock. Gosh, you'd think that a lot more clocks would be like that because they're all about saving time. ...My life is really boring. Oh, wait, I just remembered! I'm sorry, Angel. I'm gonna have to shower another time. There's something going on at the Sugarcube Corner.
Rainbow Dash: Hey, you guys. Since you're guarding Celestia, is it okay that I've been arrested a few times? It's not for criminal stuff. It's because I fly really fast and crash through walls, and then sometimes ponies call the police and I get arrested for breaking and entering.
[beat]
Rainbow Dash: If you could change the laws, that would be really great because I get in trouble with that a lot. It's cool. I'm friends with Celestia. Okay, see you guys later.
Princess Celestia: So I take it you are the yellow girl that Twilight has been ominously referring to in letters?
Fluttershy: Ominously? Like how do you mean?
Princess Celestia: She continually refers to a yellow girl in numerous situations without ever connecting any other reference. In fact, it's why I'm presently in Ponyville.
Fluttershy: Oh. Then yes. I'm the yellow one.
Princess Celestia: I thought you might be someone else. I didn't realize my student was referring to the element of kindness.
Twilight Sparkle: [chuckling nervously]
Fluttershy: If you thought I was the King in Yellow, he did come to my house recently, but his robes were at the dry cleaners.
Princess Celestia: I can't tell if you're joking.
Fluttershy: I'm so bad at social interaction! Your bird looks really sick!
Princess Celestia: It's a phoenix. In time, it will perish and be reborn. I've heard they can detect true innocence. But I've never seen evidence of the rumor.
Fluttershy: Is it yours?
Princess Celestia: In the grand scheme, I claim ownership of nothing. Call it an opinion of living for a millennium.
Fluttershy: Well, it was really nice of you to bring your pet bird for no reason like that. You're a lot nicer than everyone says you are.
Princess Celestia: Even a tiger can smile, dear. I'm gonna have a look around.
Fluttershy: So okay, Mr. or Mrs. Phoenix. I know you're probably really scared, but don't you worry. Fluttershy knows how to love an animal better than any pony in Ponyville. You can sit right here or anywhere else you want, but this I guess is where I'm gonna sit you. I bet that you've seen all kinds of fun things at the castle. I bet you've seen the garden. I hear the garden at the castle has all kinds of animals that just love ponies.
[beat]
Fluttershy: Okay, I'm gonna admit that when I took you from your cage, I thought that I would come up with an idea on the way here. But you still look really sick and I don't know what's wrong with you. So maybe we can start with a pill. This is a fish pill. I know it looks really large, but good news! It's a suppository! [laughs weakly] It's not really a suppository. I saw that joke on TV and heard someone else repeat it once, and in the right context with a good delivery, it was kinda funny. But I screwed up the joke.
[beat]
Fluttershy: Sometimes I worry I have a mental handicap! I think everyone has doubts like that sometimes though. At least I hope everyone does. I mean, I don't hope everyone is insecure. I just think that.
[beat]
Fluttershy: Can you please eat your pill?
[beat]
Fluttershy: Okay, you don't have to. We'll try something else.
Fluttershy: How about some soup instead? I dissolved the pill in the soup. I don't know if I'm supposed to do that with that kind of pill, but I figure some medicine is better than no medicine. So I won't force you, but just please give it a try.
[beat]
Fluttershy: Please give it a try.
[beat]
Fluttershy: I won't force you. Just try.
[beat]
Fluttershy: Try the soup.
[beat]
Fluttershy: Would a rare magical bird have a really specific diet? Would you like some bird seed? Or... are you maybe a bird of prey? Actually, I don't know of any birds that drink soup. Maybe this was really, really, really stupid.
Fluttershy: Hold still. Hold still. Hold still. So okay. Now I've taped feathers on you. I figure if you look better, maybe you'll feel better. And then you'll get better. Now I don't think we should panic, but this is probably the best idea I have and I am starting to feel like I am rapidly losing confidence.
[knocking]
Twilight Sparkle: Hey, I'm just coming by on royal duties. I'm looking for the princess's bird and someone pointed me in this direction. Oh, my God, what the crap?!
Fluttershy: Sorry!
Twilight Sparkle: What have you been doing?! Are you torturing this thing for information?!
Fluttershy: No.
Twilight Sparkle: Good, because it doesn't know anything!
Fluttershy: It just looked really sick and I thought it needed affection.
Twilight Sparkle: What do you think, the God-Princess of Equestria doesn't have her own personal bird handler?!
Fluttershy: I don't see how a professional can offer as much love as—
Twilight Sparkle: Stop! Stop! I know him personally! He loves this bird! I know because baby dragons love to eat phoenix eggs! And Spike, you know, he will do things if he thinks he's not gonna get caught!
Fluttershy: Okay, well, that might be, but I am really good with animals.
Twilight Sparkle: Okay. What is your name?
Fluttershy: It's Fluttershy.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, guess what? The bird handler's name is Phoenix Keeper and his cutie mark is a phoenix!
Fluttershy: Well, obviously he's not as gentle then, because my cutie mark is butterflies. And that means—
Twilight Sparkle: Are you sure? Are you sure it's butterflies and not, like, dicks penetrating the butts of society?
Fluttershy: No, they don't even look like that.
Twilight Sparkle: Really? Because, you know, I've never seen butterflies with blue bodies and pink wings, but I've known quite a few guys with blue junk and I've seen quite a few ponies with pink butts!
Fluttershy: They're not butts! They have antennae!
[thud]
Twilight Sparkle: I am calling the guards! Look, I'm not normally the type to get the royal guard involved in something, but I am not gonna be an accomplice to something like this.
Fluttershy: Twilight, wait! If you open the door that wide, my animal friends will escape!
Twilight Sparkle: If you like your animal friends so much, then why do you keep them locked up in a tiny little cottage that smells like cat urine?! [bleep]
Twilight Sparkle: So this was some real predictable crap right here.
Fluttershy: Maybe I can still hide the body.
Twilight Sparkle: You are so utterly beyond screwed. Your Highness, I was too slow to stop her.
Fluttershy: It's true. I stole the bird, but out of a sense of love and obligation. And it was good intentions that led to the murder.
[honk, fanfare]
Twilight Sparkle: [sigh] Well, thank God. It was just at the end of its stupid life cycle.
Fluttershy: Oh. Well, in that case... Princess Celestia, I'm very sorry I stole your bird. But I think I learned a valuable lesson about asking permission.
Princess Celestia: I could care less. But it would set a bad precedent to ignore.
[cage slams shut]


Episode 21

     
Thrackerzod: Every time we can't think of something, somehow we always default to whatever Scootaloo suggests. I cannot fathom how this always occurs. We could kill Twilight Sparkle. I always suggest killing Twilight Sparkle. But instead, we cover ourselves in honey and pine needles.
Apple Bloom: Well, I thought the plan was logical. I figured for sure we'd attract hummingbirds this way. If we caught one for a pet, I would've been so thrilled.
Scootaloo: You can't catch hummingbirds with honey, baby.
Apple Bloom: Wait. W-Well then, now I'm just confused. I thought this was your idea.
Thrackerzod: Everything we do is to satisfy Scootaloo's stupid primal urges. I always want to do something else, but somehow I'm always outvoted.
Scootaloo: One of these days, my ideas are gonna pay off, baby. Then we'll have all the honey we want. Hoo!
Apple Bloom: I thought you said "honey for the hummies". Maybe "honeys". Okay.
Scootaloo: Birds, honeys, whatever slang you gotta use, baby. We're gonna have a lot of whatever it is just as soon as I figure out the key to doing it. Hoo!
Thrackerzod: I have an idea. What if we seduce Twilight Sparkle... to death?
Scootaloo: I will admit that does sound like a good way to spend the afternoon. Hoo.
Apple Bloom: Thrackerzod, how's that gonna work? We get her to lean down for a kiss and then you kick her in the head?
Scootaloo: How about we work on doing that, but instead of kicking her in the head, we instead just caress her gently?
Thrackerzod: No. Seduction is all about subtlety. If we kick her in the head, it's like playing hard to get. It will draw her in further.
Apple Bloom: I dunno. Sounds self-defeatin' to me. This might be hard to swallow, Thrackerzod, but you might be worse at love than Scootaloo.
Scootaloo: Baby, everybody is clumsier at love than Scootaloo. That don't mean other ponies need to feel bad about it.
Thrackerzod: Dammit, I am trying to meet you guys halfway here! Can we please just seduce/kill Twilight Sparkle for once?
Apple Bloom: I kinda want to just go home and play Monopoly or somethin'.
Scootaloo: Baby, you can go home and play Monopoly anytime. But how often do we seduce Twilight Sparkle?
Apple Bloom: Probably about as often as we play Monopoly by my count. You guys always turn me down. I dunno what it is. Every day you just want to kill Twilight Sparkle or go seduce somethin'. Do y'all ever get tired of tryin' to find new ways to do the same thing all the time? And for that matter, we could probably very well seduce Twilight Sparkle anytime we want if we could.
Thrackerzod: If we do it right, we'll only have to do it once.
Apple Bloom: Are y'all referrin' to the seduction or the murder?
Thrackerzod: Both.
Apple Bloom: Okay, well, supposin' we have nothin' in common – which is pretty darn likely – and we get in a fight with her – which is pretty darn likely – and then we break up?
Thrackerzod: It won't matter because she will be dead.
Apple Bloom: Okay. Well, what if she just comes back as a zombie? Then you got egg on your face.
Thrackerzod: Then she's already lost her soul properly and I don't care. Beyond what would be expected of a normal pony.
Apple Bloom: Twilight is already kinda soulless, if I can be totally upfront with y'all about my opinions.
Thrackerzod: Don't even joke about that! I... don't have an interest in her soul, if that's what you're wondering. But if she didn't have one, by Lord Azathoth's hundred screaming mouths, I will have a normal emotional response!
Scootaloo: Let's just start with the seduction, baby, and work everything out from there. Let Scootaloo do the talkin'.
Twilight Sparkle: Really, all the problems facing Equestria today are internal. You take Mayor Mare and she's just a picture of incompetence, for example.
Scootaloo: That's good, baby.
Twilight Sparkle: And the more serious problem is that tomorrow's generation is gonna have to pick up the slack. And from what I've seen, I kind of doubt that you guys have the gumption.
Scootaloo: I have the gumption for the bumpin'. Hoo!
Twilight Sparkle: [voiceover] You know, when I was your age, I used to study nonstop. That's how I enjoyed my free time. Every single finished book was like a little packet of life satisfaction.
Scootaloo: I'm into satisfaction, baby.
Twilight Sparkle: [voiceover] Of course, I came from really good family stock. My brother's in the royal guard, you know, and we used to get into these high-profile events. Ceremonies with Celestia personally present. Although I didn't know her then. God, I wish I did.
Scootaloo: I'm a little ball of fire myself, baby, and I could surprise you too. Hoo! Of course I'm just the right temperature up close.
Twilight Sparkle: [voiceover] Point is, all that studying paid off... in the broadest sense. Out of the blue, I got an acceptance letter from Canterlot's School for Gifted Unicorns, signed by the princess and everything. I don't remember the exact process because I was little, but after I got accepted, I still had to pass an exam to prove I could do the magic. A lot of kids struggle at that age, and I did too, but I knew the theory perfectly. A little bit of huffing and puffing, and voila! Spike popped out of an egg. Apparently, that kind of magic power is really rare, even among adults...
Twilight Sparkle: ...so it was really amazing I could pull it off. Must've been some kind of latent ability though, because it wasn't until later that I could really do magic consistently. But when I got a little older, my cutie mark showed up and that was that.
Scootaloo: A cutie mark for fate! Like star-crossed love. And now you're in Ponyville. Who can say where that little glittering diamond in the sky will lead those sexy haunches now, baby?
Twilight Sparkle: Home. Because I'm sick of talking to kids.
Scootaloo: Well, okay, baby. We've gotta be at Rarity's house for lunch anyway, but if you ever get a hungerin' for Scootaloo, you just scream my name at the top of your lungs and I'll come runnin'.
Thrackerzod: I must confess a less-than-enthusiastic opinion of Scootaloo's performance.
Scootaloo: Sometimes it's all about the waitin' game, baby. You just gotta let that love sink in a little. Give her time to fantasize in our absence. Hoo.
Thrackerzod: I would like to suggest a more aggressive approach... followed by more aggressive murder.
Scootaloo: I think you and I have two totally different ways of enticin' the ladies, baby.
Rarity: Aw, are you guys talking about teasing the little boys at school?
Scootaloo: Not exactly, baby, but we are not opposed to a little bit of teasin'. Hoo.
Rarity: You must be so adorable playing the field out there. And here I was worried that Sweetie Belle was socially awkward.
Thrackerzod: Who is socially awkward? I am developing normally.
Rarity: Really? Because the other day you smothered a butterfly and declared it as an offering to some made-up little religion.
Thrackerzod: Religion is perfectly ordinary. Everybody worships an actual god-horse that raises the sun every single day like it has nothing better to do.
Rarity: Yes, a real live god who actually shows up to public fundraisers and talks about the economy.
Thrackerzod: When I refer to the blind idiot god from whence all chaos and destiny stem, I am of course referring only to the same god-horse that everyone else worships. All ponies experience religion in their individual ways. And in that matter, I am just as everyone else. There is nothing suspicious about smothering a butterfly and offering it to the void beyond the universe.
Rarity: Sweetie Belle, most of us worship her by paying taxes, you know. She's much more vocally appreciative of that than she is of sacrificing living creatures.
Thrackerzod: I am worshipping in my own way, just as all ponies do. It's perfectly ordinary.
Scootaloo: Let's back up to lovin' the little boys at school, baby. I bet you have all kinds of stories. Hoo!
Rarity: Oh, about when I attended school? Well, I certainly do. You know, I was a great fashionista even back then. I knew that the key to good clothing design was a bedazzler and a wide selection of mismatched rhinestones. Of course, not everyone could share my genius.
"Play Write": Now these are lovely, Rarity, but I worry they might be a bit on the gaudy side.
Young Rarity: Too... gaudy?! Bitch, are you drunk on power or on wine?!
Rarity: [voiceover] That awful teacher forced me to slave away, redesigning my precious costumes to be plain, dull, and boring, just like the entire performance they were designed for. Honestly, I know it's cute to dress your child up as a pie, but parents need to seek deeper inspiration!
Rarity: But then it hit me!
Young Rarity: Let me keep the rhinestones or I will collaborate with your political enemies.
Rarity: Now, she didn't think I could at first, but it turned out that I was a better actor than the kids on stage and an excellent saboteur, if I may say so myself. And that's how Toothpaste Afro and Miss Cheerilee played the part of a bedazzled pie and a bunch of bananas respectively. Afterward, I got my cutie mark.
Thrackerzod: Okay, define "socially awkward" for me. Because I'm honestly trying to learn here and I can't tell which of us is doing things wrong. And I think it is you.
Rarity: Fine, Sweetie Belle. You know, if I didn't know you were my sister, I would think that we weren't even related. But you've had your lunch. Now go out and play.
Thrackerzod: Every time I talk to my sister, I feel so stupid.
Scootaloo: You just don't know how to talk to the ladies, baby. You gotta be more smooth.
Thrackerzod: I brush my hair regularly. There is nothing wrong with the smoothness of my coat.
Scootaloo: Well, if you let me verify that, baby, I'll take your word for it. Hoo!
Thrackerzod: Very well. You may test my smoothness when our journey of fun has ended.
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie is in the wagon now! Yes.
Thrackerzod: There, you see? I told you guys. It is perfectly normal to coalesce into existence sometimes.
Pinkie Pie: Yes. Pinkie's ways are best. And Pinkie Pie hears you strive for the seduction of Twilight Sparkle. Yes.
Scootaloo: Baby, we merely strive as nature intended for the seduction of any living thing that can be seducted.
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie bears to you the story.
Thrackerzod: We are small children and have nothing in common with you.
Pinkie Pie: Yes.
Thrackerzod: Fine. Hang out with us. But try to act like you are teaching so it isn't weird.
Pinkie Pie: Once upon a time, there was the Pinkie Pie.
Pinkie Pie: [voiceover] Yes. She was extraordinarily pink. Silence! Yes. In the days of Pinkie's past, Pinkie slaved upon the rock farms. It is there that she tasted oppression.
Apple Bloom: [voiceover] A rock farm? That's dumb. Y'all can't grow rocks.
Pinkie Pie: Where do you think cobblestone roads are born from?! Yes! Pinkie appears mysteriously in your wagon and you question the value of collecting stones for the construction? You question the origin of your cobbles! Yes.
Apple Bloom: [voiceover] Should we question how y'all got in the wagon?
Pinkie Pie: [voiceover] No! Yes. Pinkie would punish you. And Pinkie knows punishment, for her father obtained the Sideburns of Disdain and used them upon the Pie family. Each day, we lived in fear that the sideburns would come for us! Yes. Where some of the small child persuasions are in terror of the monster beneath the bed, Pinkie fears only the facial hairs in the darkness.
Thrackerzod: [voiceover] There are many things you should fear in the darkness.
Pinkie Pie: [voiceover] Foolish child! Yes! Many a repugnant thing had reached from the shadows of Pinkie's father's sideburns! As Pinkie dreamed, she lived upon the Peninsula of Zura. Yes. Wherein the sideburns reign the supreme ruler!
Thrackerzod: [voiceover] Your father's sideburns rule Zura? As in the city of unattainable pleasures?
Pinkie Pie: [voiceover] Yes! And their will was absolute!
Thrackerzod: [voiceover] Why have these sideburns sided with Twilight Sparkle?
Pinkie Pie: [voiceover] You ask Pinkie why? It is because the blind god is incapable of defending his own! Yes. It is as though through a kaleidoscope that Pinkie sees! But Pinkie sees the power slipping and dancing away in her dreams. But to Twilight specifically.
Pinkie Pie: Does Sweetie Belle sleep the same as Pinkie Pie?!
Thrackerzod: Possibly. Only if most ponies have these kinds of dreams. Otherwise, no.
Scootaloo: We have no idea what you're talkin' about, baby, but it sounds like a lot of fun.
Thrackerzod: Oh. Then, um... I have no idea what's going on either. But divulge all you know immediately.
Pinkie Pie: [voiceover] Well, Pinkie threw a party for Pinkie's little sister. Yes. And it was a very successful party.
Pinkie Pie: And it was then that Pinkie achieved her cutie mark.
Thrackerzod: No! Go back to the part about the Peninsula of Zura!
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie's memories have popped like the grape. Yes. Nothing remains. Sometimes Pinkie obtains the twitches and foresees the future! But tell no one! Yes.
Thrackerzod: I seriously had no idea what she was talking about. All is proceeding in a way that is not alarming.
Rainbow Dash: Hey, guys! I hear you're listening to everybody's stories.
Scootaloo: Baby, I would love to hear about anything you have to say. Hoo!
Rainbow Dash: Oh. Well, I got this really good one that I heard. Are you guys ready? Is that cool?
Scootaloo: You're cool, baby. You're about as cool as you are sexy. Which is pretty darn sexy. Hoo-ah.
Rainbow Dash: Aww. Okay. So anyway...
Rainbow Dash: [voiceover] When AJ was just a little girl, she was all like, "I'm not runnin' around this farm!" 'Cause, you know, she was getting to be that age where kids start to be rebellious. She decided that today she was gonna sell oranges. I mean, she didn't really want to sell oranges, but I think she was hoping that maybe everyone would miss her if she left for a while. Sometimes, you know, you just gotta get away from your family. But AJ was a little too little for that, so she stayed with her other family and they happened to live in Manehattan. It's like a big city where all kind of ponies live together, only instead of knowing each other, they avoid eye contact. It's also really expensive. Anyway, those really rich ponies would talk to Applejack and she wouldn't know how to respond. They'd be like, "What's a rooster?" 'Cause they'd never seen a rooster. And AJ would wonder, "Should I tell them it's a bird or should I make up a lie and pretend it's something more exciting? It's a party; I should be interesting." But then it was too late! They brought some food and the portions were really tiny and it was rated with a [???] star. So basically, it was like the kind of stuff most ponies never taste in a lifetime. They bring out the one little one, and you think, "Oh, is this all?" But then they come out with more stuff and they keep going all night until you're full.
Rainbow Dash: If you're really trying to impress a girl who's kind of the romantic type, it's crazy expensive. Like, five hundred bits for a meal or something. But the girl will just be blown away!
Scootaloo: Baby, that is the first story someone's told us today that didn't have advice that specifically and only pertained to the pony telling the story. And for that, I thank you. I will bear that in mind. [???] star. Keepin' it.
Rainbow Dash: You're welcome.


Episode 22

     
Twilight Sparkle: [humming]
Owlowiscious: [cooing]
Twilight Sparkle: Be quiet... uh... owl. Be quiet.
[beat]
Owlowiscious: [cooing]
Twilight Sparkle: Shush!
[beat]
Twilight Sparkle: Thank you.
Owlowiscious: [cooing]
Twilight Sparkle: If you're responding to my thanks, then great. But just silence now please.
[beat]
Owlowiscious: [cooing]
Twilight Sparkle: I would reach out and smack you off your perch, but it's late and I'm tired, so stop.
Owlowiscious: [cooing]
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, my God...
Owlowiscious: [cooing]
Spike: So have you figured out what you're gonna do with this thing yet?
Twilight Sparkle: I'm not even really sure how to feed it. I don't know the first thing about owls. Do you think it's gonna fly out and feed itself or what?
Spike: You're asking if I think a domesticated owl that's trapped in your house is gonna find a way to feed itself?
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, come on. They're supposed to be wise animals.
Spike: I can't tell if you're joking or being willfully ignorant.
Twilight Sparkle: I could be both.
Spike: Eh, very funny. Well, you ought to be taking this more seriously. This is the princess's bird. We're gonna get killed.
Twilight Sparkle: It's not Celestia's bird. I'd be freaking out right now if it was.
Spike: It's not? So it's Luna's bird?! Aw, crap! It's gonna explode, isn't it?!
Twilight Sparkle: No-no-no-no, Cadance and my brother sent it.
Spike: Oh. The third princess, yeah. She and your brother have been dating for a while now.
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah. Yeah, my mom's been badgering him about engagement. They've been talking about it, but nothing yet.
Spike: How is your mom, by the way? I miss her cooking. Back before I was doing it.
Twilight Sparkle: She's doing okay.
Spike: Aye?
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, she and Dad are getting along, and I'm... We're both getting old enough now. She's starting to write me about her... her sex life. [nervous chuckle] So... they're doing okay.
Spike: Oh, boy. Just what you wanted to hear.
Twilight Sparkle: It's... you know, it's... whatever. I mean, she knows I've got a lot of medical background, so I kinda default as the family... I don't know, doctor, I guess.
Spike: Uh-oh. What kind of bedroom business requires a doctor?
Twilight Sparkle: Nothing. She just doesn't know what I know, so she'll ask questions and fish for answers. If I know something, I can help out. But it tends to be stuff like, "Is Dad", you know, "still young enough to do this?", or-or "Could I die from a perforated colon?"
Spike: Meh. Well, I've been wondering though. Could you tell me, what is Cadance a princess of?
Twilight Sparkle: The color pink!
Spike: Oh, come on.
Twilight Sparkle: I think love. But I never really figured out for sure, because how do you rule over an intangible concept?
Spike: Sounds like cheating. If someone doesn't like the way you been ruling, you say, "What?! You don't like the way I've been ruling?! Well, if you're not in love with the way I'm doing things, clearly it's not in my jurisdiction."
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, yeah. "If you're not happy, you better find the princess of hate. Don't come whine to me."
Spike: Hey, Twilight, you ever stop to think it's weird how connected your family is?
Twilight Sparkle: What do you mean?
Spike: Well, the God-Princess of the Sun is your personal teacher, the God-Princess of Love is your personal babysitter, your brother is the commander of the royal guard, and your family's only upper-middle class.
Twilight Sparkle: So my family's upper-middle class. That's not weird.
Spike: That's not the weird part. The weird part is that your family isn't politically influential, and yet somehow you're still the center of everything.
Twilight Sparkle: No... That's an exaggeration.
Spike: Now hear me out, because this keeps me up at night and I am shocked that you haven't thought of it yourself. What if there's a reason for it? What if they're focused on you for something?
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, come on. You gotta use Occam's razor. I think Celestia is just aware of my magical potential and she's keeping me in check.
Spike: Oh, come on, Twilight. You're good, but you're not that good. Ask yourself – do you think you could ever lead a country?
Twilight Sparkle: Well, alright. What do you think it means? Because otherwise we're just making assumptions.
Spike: I don't know, but look at the circumstances. Celestia has your family close to her there in Canterlot, she sent you away to Ponyville where you can't reach them...
Twilight Sparkle: Which still implies I'm the potential threat.
Spike: Twilight, moving family around is something you do with provincial leaders. If it was just you she was worried about, then why wouldn't she just worry about you?
Twilight Sparkle: Spike, it's been real quiet in Ponyville and I don't want to think about this or else I'm gonna stay up for the rest of the week. So go and help me find a book on this stupid bird in my house.
Spike: Don't we have more important stuff to do than focus on your pet owl?
Twilight Sparkle: No. Not today.
Spike: Okay, fine. What kind of owl is it?
Twilight Sparkle: I don't know. Get the book so we can look it up!
Spike: Okay, I'm going! So aside from figuring out how we're gonna feed this thing, what do you hope to learn?
Twilight Sparkle: Maybe I can teach it tricks. Like, to fetch books or something.
Spike: Oh, gunning for my job, huh?
Twilight Sparkle: You gonna get jealous?
Spike: Oh, heaven forbid I don't get to do this more often. I don't think that bird could carry books anyway.
Twilight Sparkle: Maybe children's books.
Spike: You know what'd be good? If that owl had levitation powers. If that owl could levitate books, then I wouldn't have to climb up here and put my life in danger!
Twilight Sparkle: We do need a taller ladder. But it's gonna come out of your allowance.
Spike: Why?!
Twilight Sparkle: Life's about earning, Spike.
Spike: But I never earn anything, no matter how hard I work! Also, I can't find your stupid book.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, look harder.
Spike: I'm piercing the shelves with my fiercest gaze. I'm not seeing it.
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, come on, that's impossible. I just reorganized yesterday.
Spike: Well, see, that's the problem! It's disorganized! You keep reorganizing it, I can never find anything.
Twilight Sparkle: It's a really simple system. It should be next to the book on vowels.
Spike: You have got to be kidding me. This system is never gonna work.
Twilight Sparkle: It works like a mnemonic device. Once you learn it, it's gonna revolutionize the way that you find books.
Spike: Okay, I found your book, but we're gonna have to change the system again.
Twilight Sparkle: What? No, Spike, learn the new system. It's better.
Spike: Nae.
Twilight Sparkle: Once you learn it, you're gonna find it's so much easier to remember where stuff is.
Spike: I have had up to here with this, Twilight! I am not learning a new organizational pattern every single week!
Twilight Sparkle: Fine! Stay in the past with Dewey Decimal. See if I care.
Spike: Thank you. You micromanage too much, you know.
Twilight Sparkle: Whatever. Gotta know what to do with this bird. I mean... it can see in the dark. Maybe it could lead me around when it's dark?
Spike: It's not a seeing-eye dog, Twilight. And besides, I'm a dragon. We live in caves. I've got a certain amount of dark sight if you need it. How would you find an owl in the dark anyway? The whole point of their natural camouflage is not to be seen.
Twilight Sparkle: I'm just grasping at straws here, okay? I dunno. Maybe I can use his feathers for quills when he molts.
Spike: Aye. He looks a bit small, but he's probably big enough for that. Quills only cost about one or two bits though.
Twilight Sparkle: Adds up over time.
Spike: I guess it does.
Twilight Sparkle: I mean, if he feeds himself, it's... it's kind of like a net gain.
Spike: Except for me who has to clean up after his droppings.
Twilight Sparkle: So okay. He's useful somehow. That means he's not a pet. We know what happens to pets. He's a utility bird.
Spike: Alright. What do you want to name the utility bird?
Twilight Sparkle: How about "Owlowiscious"?
Spike: I don't even know to spell that. How about "Owl" for short? That way, it's easier to pass it off like we didn't name him.
Twilight Sparkle: As though we're pronouncing it wrong? Like we're stupid?
Spike: Aye. You ever see Rainbow Dash make an ass of herself directly to Celestia, then get away with it? Boy, she must be on to something there.
Twilight Sparkle: No kidding. You could punish the girl, but she wouldn't know what she did wrong. If I could start all over, I would just play dumb from start to finish.
Spike: You could've done that, but then you wouldn't get to read much that way.
Twilight Sparkle: No, no, watch. It'd be something like this. "I love reading books to set a good example for kids. I may not understand all the big words, but I try my best to read the smartest-looking books."
Spike: Oh, I see. Very clever. I guess it takes a bit of wit to figure out how to play stupid correctly.
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, and the best part is that it makes perfect sense that I'd sing the rubber ducky song in my head all the time. Perfect shield for magical thought-reading.
Spike: You've been giving this a lot of thought, haven't you?
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, I have. But it's too late to do it now. Everybody would see right through it. I'd have to wait for some kind of opening, but I don't know what.
Spike: Huh. You'd blend right in at Ponyville. Speaking of, you seem to have mellowed out a lot since you got here.
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah. I guess I'm not as stressed out as I was.
Spike: Well, it's nice having a bit more input now and again. But don't let your guard down.
Twilight Sparkle: I know. But... Hey, Spike... nothing has changed, but for what it's worth...
Spike: Just leave it, Twilight.
Twilight Sparkle: You make good pancakes.
Spike: Loud and clear. So are we going out today? Should I pack your bags or what?
Twilight Sparkle: No, I'm staying in. I don't see what the crime is with being a happy shut-in.
Spike: Alright. I'm going to take a nap then. Just give me a call if you need something.
Twilight Sparkle: Will do. Good night, Spike.
Spike: Good night.


Episode 23

     
Pinkie Pie: Twilight! Hey! Hey, Twilight! Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: What, Pinkie?
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie sees Twilight's lavender body and she thinks to herself – yes – maybe Twilight likes to come up and have the party with Pinkie. Gummy is here. He is having much fun. And Pinkie is here. Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: No. No, I don't want to do that.
Pinkie Pie: It is okay. Yes. Pinkie has alcohol. And a hairbrush. She will brush your hair!
Twilight Sparkle: Pinkie, in the time I've been here in Ponyville, has it not occurred to you that I don't like large social gatherings? I don't mind being around other ponies. I don't mind taking charge of a group on occasion. But I don't like parties and I don't like crowds.
Pinkie Pie: That is okay. Yes. Pinkie will lock Gummy in the closet while she brushes your hair. Then it is only the two of us.
Twilight Sparkle: No. Leave me alone.
[knocking]
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie comes! Yes. She bears joy upon her brow.
Twilight Sparkle: It's an invitation to a party.
Pinkie Pie: Yes. Pinkie brings joy. This is her cutie mark!
Twilight Sparkle: That doesn't mean you have to keep doing this until I kill myself. I don't know how to make it more clear. I don't like parties.
Pinkie Pie: Would you like them on a train? Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: I do not like them in my brain.
Pinkie Pie: Would you like them in the rain?
Twilight Sparkle: Look, I'm not doing Dr. Seuss, okay?
Pinkie Pie: But "Green Eggs and Ham" prevailed that day!
Twilight Sparkle: Yes, and Hansel and Gretel pushed the witch into an oven. So if you want to follow that line of logic, I'm gonna kill you.
Pinkie Pie: But Twilight goes to the party sometimes. Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: Social gatherings are fine on occasion. But you throw the damn things seven days a week.
Pinkie Pie: Ohhh. Yes. Okay, Pinkie gets you.
[knocking]
[Pinkie Pie]
Come to Pinkie's party, it is really very grand
Pinkie will be disappointed if you can't attend
[door closes]
Pinkie Pie: And then she possessed the audacity to slam the door on Pinkie's beclowned nose. There will be retribution. Yes.
Applejack: So if I'm gatherin' correctly, what y'all want from me is to go to a party celebratin' your imminent revenge on Twilight because she refused to go to your party. So what happens if I don't want to go to this party?
Pinkie Pie: Then your demise will be imminent! Yes.
Applejack: Yeah? Then what happens?
Pinkie Pie: What form of inquiry is this? Pinkie demises you!
Applejack: Again? Shoot, Pinkie, is it gonna be painful?
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie doesn't know that. Yes. How dare you put Pinkie on the spot. This is an art form.
Applejack: Well, speakin' of demise and artwork, Pinkie, can I ask y'all to do me a big favor? Could you quit leavin' those pamphlets lyin' around the farm?
Pinkie Pie: Have you read them? Yes. They contain the truth.
Applejack: I have, and I love 'em. Maybe not for the reason you're hopin'. My favorite was the one about how Rarity is the source of all geopolitical conflict. Very inspired. But the thing is you drop off, like, two hundred of 'em. There's only, like, a couple of us livin' here on Sweet Apple Acres.
Pinkie Pie: AJ, you are supposed to pass those around. We are confederates in the conflict – both Earth ponies facing down our foes.
Applejack: I know we are, sugarcube, but you didn't ask if I had time to be doin' that and I am super-busy. I mean, don't stop bringin' by the pamphlets, but just bring, like, one or two. I'll read it and Granny's kinda into some of your stuff. I... She likes some of your more... racial leanings, but she's old. Point is she likes your pamphlets too, but just stop bringin' us those great big bundles.
Pinkie Pie: This is extortion! Yes. But Pinkie agrees to your shrewd terms. So do you go to Pinkie's party or no? Yes.
Applejack: [sighs] Look, alright. I agree with Twilight. You throw these shindigs seven days a week. It's way too often. I never have time for it. I don't have time for it right now.
Pinkie Pie: Then it would appear we have another for the list of retribution! This is your final act of defiance! Yes.
Applejack: Alright, thanks for understandin', sugarcube. I'll see ya next time we get involved in some great big... thing.
Pinkie Pie: And that is why Pinkie thinks that – yes – if Rarity continues to feed herself as such and puts on the fat at such a ridiculous rate, then all we must do is put you on the butcher block and then we will have food for the masses.
Rarity: You know, there's a plausible region in which I might've been made to feel guilty about my weight, and you reached it, and then you passed it, and then you just kept going.
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie understands if you are in denial about your nature as a gelatinous blob. Yes.
Rarity: What do you even want, Pinkie?
Pinkie Pie: To help you find a place in society! Yes.
Rarity: You— You know... I know what you're doing. You're just trying to bait me into an argument so I'll get sucked into your little... Pinkie... thing.
Pinkie Pie: Ohhh, that could be true. It is a very good hypothesis. Yes. You could just turn around right now and not be baited by Pinkie at all. Leave Pinkie out here uncorrected. And then she will think these things about Rarity all by herself privately. Or – yes – maybe she will tell other ponieses!
[beat]
Rarity: Or how about this? I know a lot of stallions. Pinkie, have you ever considered getting yourself just knocked up? You've got a lot of energy. I'm sure that some kids could use up a lot of that.
Pinkie Pie: Oh, sure. Yes. And then Rarity can babysit them.
Rarity: No! I mean... sure. Just... not-not as an official, like, binding agreement. We have to... be considerate of my time, but... But a kid though! Kids will be like a party every day. You'll have your own party crew. Being a single mom – it's-it's a big adventure.
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie loves adventures! Yes. But babies will give Pinkie the Rarity fats.
Pinkie Pie: Gummy. Yes. Pinkie has growing concern that the others have learned to overcome their natural politeness and now decline Pinkie's parties. If this trend continues – yes – Pinkie will have to abandon her life purpose and accept that she is a cashier. We must prevent reality from closing in. Yes. We shall conduct the thought experiment.
Pinkie Pie: Why, hello there, Turnips Bucket. Yes. It is a fine small talk we are having today.
Pinkie Pie voicing Turnips Bucket: Yes. Hello. Yes. I am Turnips Bucket. You have straightened your hair, Pinkie. This is very good.
Pinkie Pie: Thank you, Turnips Bucket. Yes. Pinkie straightened his hair for this party she was having. It took much time for the straightening. Would you like to come to this party? Yes?
Pinkie Pie voicing Turnips Bucket: No. Yes. Turnips Bucket would rather remain at home and conspire against Pinkie!
Pinkie Pie: [gasps] Pinkie knew it!
Pinkie Pie: How about this pile of rocks? Do you conspire against Pinkie?
Pinkie Pie voicing pile of rocks: Yes!
Pinkie Pie: Of course! It was all so obvious and this thought experiment proves it! Yes. The only question that remains now is where are they getting their funding?! Pinkie knows just the informant. It is the poor fool who is always involved and yet always is forgotten.
[lamp clicks]
Pinkie Pie: So, Spike, Pinkie will ask you – who is providing financial donation to the bucket of turnips in Pinkie's bedroom?!
Spike: I'm sorry, but could you clarify?
Pinkie Pie: Where does a bucket of turnips find money to spread negative propaganda about Pinkie's parties? Yes.
Spike: Oh, right. Uh, conspiracy. Um... Well, it was Mothra. Or were you looking for something more concrete that you can pursue? Uh... Gummy... fell in love with Applejack. And... they're having... sex. And they exchange information.
Pinkie Pie: That is deplorable! Yes! Pinkie will correct this wrongdoing!
[pounding]
Applejack: Geez! What?!
Pinkie Pie: How could you, Applejack? Poor, innocent Gummy is underage.
Applejack: Darlin', I'm sure I don't have a clue what you're talkin' about right now.
Pinkie Pie: We are discussing your sensual, sinuous nature! Yes.
Applejack: Sensual and sinuous, huh? I've never been called that before. I'm not sure if I should be flattered or flabbergasted. I guess I could be "flattergasted".
[beat]
Pinkie Pie: Okay. Pinkie believes you.
Pinkie Pie: Spike, Applejack is neither sensual nor sinuous. But now she is "flattergasted" with Pinkie. Yes. What is the deal?
Spike: Oh, well, I-I guess I was planted with false information so... to throw you off the trail. I guess you're gonna have to find someone else to interrogate.
Pinkie Pie: This is a major setback! But Pinkie does have another lead.
Pinkie Pie: This can all be over quickly, bag of flour. Simply tell Pinkie who bank-rolls the turnip bucket.
Pinkie Pie voicing bag of flour: Pinkie. Yes. You are a cashier.
Pinkie Pie: Noooooo!
Rainbow Dash: Uh, hey, Pinkie? Mrs. Cake sent me to the balcony to ask if you're done with your smoke break and you're gonna come back to work. Also, I didn't know you smoked. When'd you start doing that?
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie is extracting justice!
Rainbow Dash: Okay. Well, there's a line downstairs and I'm on lunch break and I wanted to get a cupcake.
Pinkie Pie: Then go and fetch your paltry cupcake.
Rainbow Dash: But there's a long line, Pinkie, and I don't have time to wait for everybody!
Pinkie Pie: Then you will find time in Hell!
[crack]
Rainbow Dash: [yelps]


Episode 0

     
Twilight Sparkle: [panicked yelping] ...Spike.
Spike: What, Twilight?
Twilight Sparkle: I had a dream and... Hey, where are my books?
Spike: We only just moved in, Twilight. I haven't had a chance to put them away yet.
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, right. I... I-I felt like we've... Does everything just seem off to you?
Spike: Aye. It's the story of my life, you know. Powerful dragon enslaved to a horse. Seems off to me.
Twilight Sparkle: No, that part's correct. I'm talking about... I dunno, everything just looks... uglier. When did I get an end table? Didn't I used to have a nightstand here?
Spike: I sometimes stay up at night wondering if my life has less purpose than an end table.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, at least you're well off enough to take the time for an existential breakdown. But shut up and look at this old key with the engravings on it. I don't know what this goes to, but I feel like it's important for something. Do you recognize this?
Spike: Nae. But it's probably from one of your stupid magical adventures that I wasn't invited to.
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, get over yourself. Every time I invite you, you complain.
Spike: Well, aye, Twilight! That's because most of the problems are caused by going on the magical adventure in the first place!
Twilight Sparkle: No! ...Well, that doesn't mean that complaining about it makes them any easier!
Spike: Nae! But if I complain enough, you won't take me along for the next one!
[beat]
Twilight Sparkle: I'm gonna go get breakfast.
[crash]
Twilight Sparkle: [anguished groans] Why don't we have guardrails?!


Episode -1

     
Twilight Sparkle: ...So ever since I woke up, I've just had this weird sense of vertigo and déjà vu. Like something isn't totally right.
Applejack: Well, I dunno what to tell ya, darlin'. I'm not a doctor. In fact, the only thing I'm an expert in is apples. So unless your problem is related to apple farmin', I can't really provide much insight.
Twilight Sparkle: I didn't come to you for your expertise. I would go to a book for that. Actually, I'd go to a book for apple farming while we're at it. I came to you because I get the feeling that maybe you're the most levelheaded pony I've met around here. And I figured if anyone could sense a deviation from the norm, it might be you.
Applejack: Now, I'm pretty sure I heard an insult in there. Was any of that supposed to be a compliment? Because... 'Cause it sounded like maybe...
Twilight Sparkle: There was—
Applejack: ...probably most of it was just insults really.
Twilight Sparkle: A little of both, I guess. I mean to say you're boring as hell but reliably boring, so that's good.
Applejack: Oh, well, if it's good, then you're reliably a bitch. Great job. But I haven't noticed none of the stuff you're tellin' me about, Twilight, okay?
Twilight Sparkle: I find it funny that the element of honesty gets snippy with me for being honest.
Applejack: Oh, don't you pull that on me. There is honesty and then there is frankness to the point of absurdity—
Twilight Sparkle: It doesn't matter! Just look around your farm. Does it seem... I dunno, I... I dunno how to describe it.
Applejack: Looks the same as it always has to me.
Spike: [belch] Ugh. It's like heartburn every time. Twilight, I've got a letter.
Twilight Sparkle: Here. Give it to me. Okay. Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah... Oh, right. The Gala. I hate the Gala. And of course tickets. Two of them. Like I've got anybody to invite or something. God, I'm lonely.
Applejack: Wait. The Great Galloping Gala?
Twilight Sparkle: No, it's "Grand Galloping Gala", you backwards mudhorse.
Applejack: It says right there on the ticket "Great".
Twilight Sparkle: Oh. ...Huh.
Applejack: See? You bonehead.
Twilight Sparkle: Don't call me a bonehead.
Applejack: Are these fightin' words? Or are they terms of endearment? Choose carefully, darlin', because one option gets a horseshoe embedded in your teeth.
Twilight Sparkle: I have the magical power to kill you, resurrect your corpse, then kill you again. Don't threaten me with violence.
Applejack: Okay. Uh, let's back up and try again. I am expressin' displeasure with the tone of your discourse.
Twilight Sparkle: I am connected like you would not believe, and if you challenge me, there will cease to be an Applejack!
Applejack: Darlin', seriously?
Twilight Sparkle: Yes!
Applejack: [scoffs] Okay. Fat lot of good it'll do ya.
[beat]
Twilight Sparkle: So... do you want a ticket to the Gala?
[crash]
Rainbow Dash: [pained groans]
Applejack: Good heavens, darlin'! That sounded painful! Y'all alright?
Twilight Sparkle: What is wrong with you?
Rainbow Dash: Oh, what went wrong? Uh, well, I was practicing flying and then I got disoriented and then there was the ground. So what is wrong is I clearly need to practice harder.
Twilight Sparkle: Have you ever thought about getting a non-stupid hobby?
Rainbow Dash: I don't have time for hobbies. I gotta train for the Wonderbolts. I keep applying and they keep rejecting me, but if I keep doing it, sooner or later they're gonna let me in.
Twilight Sparkle: They require a college degree.
Rainbow Dash: [sharp inhale] Well... that... n-not if you're really good.
Twilight Sparkle: No, Dash, it's a program for military officers, so you... Look, do you guys want Gala tickets?
Applejack: Wait. You're just givin' them to us?
Twilight Sparkle: I don't need them. I'm the princess's protégé and my brother is the captain of the royal guard. I may as well be castle staff.
Applejack: Well, I'll be darned, Twilight. That's sweet of y'all. Well, you know, for practical reasons, I bet I could set up a food stall and make a huge bundle sellin' some of our apple dishes.
Twilight Sparkle: You're... You're gonna bring a food stall? N-No, look... catering is included with the ticket. Food is provided.
Applejack: Yeah, well, that may be, but I'll betcha those sheltered high-class ponies ain't never had any real down-home country cookin'.
Twilight Sparkle: AJ, the catering is rated with three Messara stars. You're planning to compete with world-class chefs with street vending. I'm feeling sympathetically embarrassed just imagining it. Don't.
Applejack: Twi, nobody gets ahead by not takin' any risks. You gotta put yourself out there.
Twilight Sparkle: There is a limit to that kind of conventional wisdom.
Rainbow Dash: I don't think I really want a ticket.
Twilight Sparkle: Why? Dash, you're just being arbitrary.
Rainbow Dash: It sounds all boring and posh.
Twilight Sparkle: I just said the food is rated with three Messara stars. You will never get a chance to eat food like that again in your life. You will not be able to afford it.
Rainbow Dash: But you're just giving both tickets away. If it's so great, how come you're giving away both tickets?
Twilight Sparkle: Do you want me to give it to Rarity? She... She probably knows what they're for.
Rainbow Dash: No-no-no! No-no. I-If Rarity wants them, I want them too.
Twilight Sparkle: [sigh] Y-You're just gonna set them on your desk and forget you have them, aren't you? The Wonderbolts are gonna be there. You know that, right?
Rainbow Dash: Oh, no way! Oh, you should've said!
Twilight Sparkle: They're the cream of the Cloudsdale military. Formerly anyway. Look, I've had too much stupid for one day. Are you guys happy? You're not gonna throw those away or use them for drink coasters, are you?
Applejack: No, no. I mean... it's a ways out and I gotta check my schedule. You know how it is. It's like opportunity costs and what-have-ya.
Rainbow Dash: Are you sure the Wonderbolts are gonna be there? How come you just give away tickets to the Wonderbolts?
Twilight Sparkle: Those tickets are worth thousands of bits. Both you guys, it's a royal event. Look it up. And don't forget – you need to dress nice. Really nice. Not business casual. I mean you guys should pretend to be filthy rich.
Applejack: Oh. Well, that's gonna be a problem on account of I ain't filthy rich.
Rainbow Dash: I don't really own a dress. I don't even know what size I wear. Hey, what if we sell the tickets 'cause they're worth thousands of bits and then use the money to buy a really nice dress?
Twilight Sparkle: Because that's stupid and circular and, on top of everything else, scalping those tickets is a felony. Don't lose them. Just... I dunno, rent something. And if you change your minds, for God's sake, tell me. Don't throw the tickets away.
Applejack: Alright. Have it your way. I'll think about it and I'll let you know. See ya later, darlin'.
Rainbow Dash: This is very suspicious.


Episode -2

     
[ding]
Applejack: Wah!
Twilight Sparkle: Hey, AJ.
Applejack: Holy tap-dancin' apples, Twilight!
Twilight Sparkle: What?
Applejack: Y'all teleport two inches from my face, and I am drunk! I just had three emotions – at least three emotions just now – and my brain has not caught up to what they even are yet!
Twilight Sparkle: Probably fear, because your head would've exploded if I teleported into it; excitement, because I'm here now and you obviously look up to me; and I dunno the third one. Maybe nausea?
Applejack: Well. Ain't that a delusion of grandeur. I don't look up to y'all in the slightest. Y'all are a sad sack of crap, Twilight.
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, yeah, but... I mean, just look at my fur though. So soft. I use a really good conditioner, you know. I know you're always wondering, "How can I get my fur to be that shiny?"
Applejack: Twilight, what in the damn green Earth have you come to visit me for?
Twilight Sparkle: Okay, I remember hearing that your brother got hurt.
Applejack: Who told y'all that? I mean, he did, but only just yesterday. Just in time to not be able to help with the harvest.
Twilight Sparkle: I can't remember. I could've sworn that somebody mentioned something about it, like, a week ago, but... I've been having these weird flashes all month. Hey, have you cleaned up your farm or something? It looks... smoother.
Applejack: Twilight, I'm startin' to worry about ya. Maybe you got the epilarpsy. Or-or you might be clairvoyant. Anyway, they tell ya how Big Mac got injured?
Twilight Sparkle: Uh, no.
Applejack: Well, the doctor thought that maybe Mac was carryin' somethin' about the size of an adult male pony usin' only his hind legs, 'cause his back was thrown out in a very peculiar manner. Supposedly, this object would've been hangin' from his underside like a monkey's baby somewhere so that it throws out his lower back.
Twilight Sparkle: Huh. I don't suppose this object was maybe, like, uh... I dunno... light brown? Maybe kind of like a caramel color?
Applejack: [scoffs] No, sir! No, sir! Mac insists that he was tryin' to carry a bushel of apples in a new, more efficient manner! Granny insists that Mac is just practicin' carryin' apples for when the mares are in season!
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah. Well... Are you, uh... Are you getting enough water? Because you are really drunk to be working out in the sun all day.
Applejack: What I wanna know is, how good of practice is it if it's the same damn horse over and over again sixty to seventy percent of the time?! And there's a big clear delineation between how things work with your practice partner and how things are gonna work in the big leagues!
Twilight Sparkle: Well, there's only, like, two inches of difference between the top hole and... Uh, it sounds like a family issue. The point is I understand that you need help with the harvest, and I've got this feeling that you're gonna make a drunk ass of yourself all around town if nobody intercedes.
Applejack: I know what this is. Y'all are workin' up to an intervention! Well, I don't need your help, and I've earned that cider!
Twilight Sparkle: What? No, look. From one drunk to another, I'm... I'm just gonna do the harvest for you.
Applejack: Y'all? Y'all can't do the harvest. Y'all don't have Earth pony sensibilities.
Twilight Sparkle: It'll be easy. Just give me a sec.
Applejack: [talking over Twilight] No! No-no, no! Twilight, I can do it by myself—!
[squeak]
Applejack: Aw. You bitch.
Twilight Sparkle: It is done and cannot be undone.
Applejack: Filly, I told y'all not to help me! Y'all just made a mockery of my whole profession!
Twilight Sparkle: Eh. It's a dumb profession anyway.
Applejack: I was gonna do it. I was gonna stay up all night just drinkin' and workin' until it was all done, until every last apple was picked.
Twilight Sparkle: I guess we'll never know how that plan was gonna work out. Probably predictably. Applejack, I can smell the booze on you from here. You're a mess. This plan was a mess. I fixed it.
Applejack: The plan was great. You're crap. A-And you know, it's very stressful to have to harvest a whole apple crop all by your lonesome. That... That and my hips are achin' like hell from kickin' about a thousand trees a day. I'd like to see you try that, you softie.
Twilight Sparkle: I wouldn't have to. It's already harvested.
Applejack: Well, Miss Clever Unicorn...
[beat]
Applejack: I'm drinkin' for multiple reasons, partly because I'm stressed out but also because the pain gets really bad. You know, you gotta work through the pain.
Twilight Sparkle: That's for muscle pain, not for, like, a... hip injury.
Applejack: Well, that may be, but your ignorance about farmin' on my farm is makin' me even more stressed out than I was before. Didn't think of that one, did ya?!
Twilight Sparkle: Well, in that case, you drink to relieve stress, don't you? So... do you want to go get a drink with me?
Applejack: Well... I guess my work is done. For-for, like, the whole month, so... okay.
Twilight Sparkle: So, out of curiosity, why don't you just hire a unicorn to help out during harvest season?
Applejack: Now that is just typical. I ain't doin' that.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, if you enjoy being inefficient and stupid...
Applejack: Typical bonehead. And pardon the slur, but this is where it comes from, you know?
Twilight Sparkle: Uh-huh. Yeah, I bet the horn has nothing to do with it.
Applejack: Twilight, an Earth pony has a deep connection to the earth. She understands nature beyond the capacity of any unicorn or Pegasus.
Twilight Sparkle: Theoretically, on statistical average. But that's never been proven empirically, so it's really more like a stereotype.
Applejack: Tut. An Earth pony understands nature beyond empirical averages – with her heart.
Twilight Sparkle: That's because, on statistical average, an Earth pony gets worse grades in school.
Applejack: That's because school is rigged! I understood those books just fine, but let's see you write an essay with your face pressed up against the paper! Trust me, Twilight. Each one of these trees is like children to me. An Earth pony has gotta know how to kick those trees just hard enough. Hard enough that they do the work you know they're capable of, but not so hard you kill 'em dead in a single blow.
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, yeah. Uh, speaking of brain damage, Rainbow Dash wanted you to help her down in the town square. She built a catapult and wants you to launch her out of it. You know, just hard enough to help her fly faster but not hard enough to kill her or whatever.
Applejack: Now, I didn't know Rainbow Dash had enough know-how to build somethin' like a catapult.
Twilight Sparkle: She doesn't. It'll kill her.
Applejack: Oh. Well, I better mosey on down there then.


Episode -3

     
Rainbow Dash: Aw, man, Gilda. It has been so long since we hung out. And two weeks is a while to be in Ponyville.
Gilda: It's... kind of a backwater little town, isn't it?
Rainbow Dash: Everyone is boring except for, like, eight or ten ponies, and... I have a job, but I spend most of it napping and it gets cancelled when it rains. Or, that is, you know, I just go home. I mean, as soon as it rains, the job is done.
Gilda: Hey. What are you doing?
Rainbow Dash: Helping you unpack.
Gilda: Dash, leave my suitcase alone. It will be easy enough to unpack on my own.
Rainbow Dash: I'll say. All you got in here is a toothbrush and...
Gilda: Oh, well, you see, that is, um...
Rainbow Dash: Pajamas?
Gilda: Ah, yes. Certainly an apparel for the more... pleasant of evenings. It's a little something I picked up in the griffon country for the trip here. Do you... like it?
Rainbow Dash: They look like a pirate eyepatch.
Gilda: Oh. Yes, of course. That's, uh... That's why I bought it. For the absurdity value. We all have plenty of laughs.
Rainbow Dash: Cool. So anyway, I guess I'll go ahead and sleep on the couch while you're here. You're the guest, so you can have my bed.
Gilda: Oh, that's great, Dash. But, hey, you remember old times. You don't have to sleep on the couch. We're friends. The best of friends. We could both take the bed.
Rainbow Dash: No. Um... I mean, if you want to share the bed, I guess I don't care.
Gilda: It would be quite comfortable.
Rainbow Dash: No, i-it's fine.
Gilda: Keep warm on these cold, foreign— Uh, then again, it is fine. We can decide later.
Rainbow Dash: Well, you see, I've developed a really bad habit of kicking while I sleep, so... I can just prepare the couch. It's... It's a cloud futon.
Gilda: I guess we'll just have to tire you out so you don't have the energy for kicking. [laughing]
Rainbow Dash: Aw, yeah! Man, I haven't done a good race in, like, forever! Ponyville is a slow city. Everybody is slow. Do you wanna go for a race?
Gilda: I would enjoy that immensely, but you know, I am quite tired from my trip.
Rainbow Dash: Awww. You got me all excited for nothing.
Gilda: Sorry, Dash. But, uh... how about instead of a race, we do something else... relaxing but still quite engaging?
Rainbow Dash: You want to watch the Wonderbolts on TV?
Gilda: Uh, maybe some other time.
Rainbow Dash: [sighs] Well, that's good. 'Cause I haven't paid my cable bill, and... also, they won't rent cable to my cloud house.
Gilda: Wait. Why would you get billed if they won't even run a cable to your house?
Rainbow Dash: It's a small town. So you pretty much get screwed on cable. Oh, um, also things that I do not have: plumbing is a big one. If you need to go to the bathrom, you can shower, but there's no water treatment line connected, so you've gotta go to an outhouse below. Just let me know when you're ready, and I'll show you where it is. Then, this might not be a big deal 'cause it's pretty warm this time of month, but the cloud walls are not really good for insulation. I couldn't afford the magic insulation, so if you get cold and need extra blankets, I've got some. Then of course, there's a big thunderstorm scheduled for Thursday. My house isn't waterproof – I-I couldn't afford to magic-proof for that either. So we'll have to move the whole house out of town for a few hours.
Gilda: Dash, this is all stuff you neglected to mention when you said I could stay with you.
Rainbow Dash: I'm sorry, I forgot. I guess I got excited—
Gilda: Maybe I could stay at a hotel for a while.
Rainbow Dash: No, no, it's okay. I can do all the pushing. You could just watch.
Gilda: I am sure a bed and breakfast could not cost too much around here.
Rainbow Dash: Oh, come on. You don't want to stay with me?
Gilda: I don't know.
Rainbow Dash: Pleeeeease?
Gilda: Dash, when I was doing this... you know what that means, right?
Rainbow Dash: You... want to do... cigarettes?
[pound]
Rainbow Dash: You shouldn't smoke, Gilda. That's not good for you. Oh! Unless-unless you're being cool. I mean, I've done that once, but, uh... It, like... I was too cool to do it twice.
Gilda: Be honest. Are you just trying to help me save face here, Dash?
Rainbow Dash: What do you mean? No, I... I did... I did cigarettes.
Gilda: I'm just wondering if I made a fool of myself.
[beat]
Gilda: And apparently, the jury is still out on that.
Rainbow Dash: Are you mad because you're gonna have to help me move my house?
Gilda: I thought you said I didn't have to do that.
Rainbow Dash: You don't—
Gilda: But you're gonna be really upset if I don't.
Rainbow Dash: ...You don't have to.
Gilda: Fine, Dash. Fine. It's fine.
Rainbow Dash: Awww. Thank you, Gilda. I promise I'll make it up to you.
Gilda: Actually, I'll tell you what. Here's how you can make it up to me. How about a massage?
Rainbow Dash: A massage?
Gilda: Sure. And – my patience willing – we can work our way up from there.
Rainbow Dash: I massage you?
Gilda: Yes. I mean, I could massage you, but the way things are going, I do not see that becoming a reward for me this time around.
Rainbow Dash: Okay, gotcha.
Rainbow Dash: Ready?
Gilda: Go ahead.
[pounding]
Gilda: Dash. Stop.
Rainbow Dash: What's the matter?
Gilda: Your hooves... look as soft as marshmallows, but they feel like bricks. What kind of massage are you planning here anyway?
Rainbow Dash: Oh. Sorry, I-I just thought that, since you're a big, tough griffon, I was gonna have to give you a big, tough massage. You know, extra hard.
Gilda: Gently, Dash. Like a cat kneading upon a bed.
Rainbow Dash: Mmkay. I got it figured out now.
Pinkie Pie: Rainbow Dash! I have come for your head! Yes. Surrender immediately, and I will slay you without quarrel!
Gilda: Who is that?
Rainbow Dash: Oh, that's my good friend Pinkie Pie. She really likes to be around other ponies.
Pinkie Pie: You cannot hide from Pinkie! Yes. She knows your birthday, social security number, and place of residence!
Gilda: She sounds angry.
Rainbow Dash: I gave her all that information because she's really good at birthday parties. Also a bit for medical records. But we should probably just leave her alone until she gets bored. Last time she got like this and I went out to meet her, she threw a rock.
Gilda: [groan] I am not putting up with this. It will be a moment, Dash.
Rainbow Dash: You know, I remembered you being pretty cool, Gilda. But it turns out you're just a great big fat butt to poor, innocent, never-did-anything-wrong Pinkie Pie!
Pinkie Pie: Yes. You are a dick. And we are content to do without dicks.
Gilda: Fine. You are all imbeciles anyway, and at this moment, I will be washing my claws of all of you.
[door slams]
[phone dialing]
Gilda: Hello, Rhonda? It's Gilda. No, things did not go so well. I'm headed home early. I know. I know. I know what you said. But really, I remember her being twice as smart and three times prettier. Well, you were right. As consolation, how about dinner? Yes. I'm treating you. Okay. I'll pick you up tomorrow night.


Episode -4

     
Twilight Sparkle: So what are we all gathered around for? Did this crowd just form spontaneously?
Rarity: I don't know. I don't really recall how I got here, but I'm in the front of the crowd, and that makes me happy. This seems to happen a lot with social situations.
Rainbow Dash: I think we're all waiting on the "Tricky Shoe".
Applejack: Either that or a fireworks sale. Two-for-one, although it's a bit early for Hearth's Warmin'.
Spike: Do we have to be here? I want to go home.
Twilight Sparkle: Why? The only thing waiting at home for you is chores.
Spike: I found a bit lying on the ground. I'm gonna put it in my bed and I'm gonna sleep on it.
Twilight Sparkle: Spike, give me that. You don't know where it's been. It's dirty.
Spike: But... it's mine. I found it.
[poof]
Trixie: Welcome, everypony, to the great, the powerful... Tricksy Shoe! Show. Oh, shoot, did I write that? Um... I am the Great and Powerful Trixie. My name is spelled with an 'X' actually. I think when I made that banner, I was a little drunk. I was gonna change my name for marketing, but never mind. Behold!
Rainbow Dash: Hey, your show sucks so far!
Trixie: Who said that? How dare you! I'll have you know that an honest critique killed my family!
Twilight Sparkle: She didn't mean your show sucks.
Rarity: Twilight, it does suck. And so does her outfit, by the way.
Trixie: Oh, oh! She said it too! This whole town, you guys are all stupid head-up-your-butt idiots, and I hope you all die!
Twilight Sparkle: No, no, no... [whispering] Guys, stop heckling! For once in our damn lives, just let an avoidable conflict pass us by like a drunk weekend! [speaking normally] No, see, around here, when kids say you suck, it means they think you're great.
Trixie: What do you think I am, an idiot? Like as big of an idiot as everybody in this crowd? And everyone is an idiot, and if you say differently, then you're a bigger idiot, and I'm gonna tell everyone else in the town over that you guys are all idiots!
Twilight Sparkle: No, I-I mean, look, if you did that, I mean, clearly you're the victim here and you'd be in the right. But you know how, like, a long time ago, "bad" used to mean "cool"? It's kind of like that. It-It's one of these insipid generational slang things.
Trixie: Well, that's right. You guys are in the wrong, because you're, like, a whole crowd and you're just ganging up on one person. That's not fair. That's like mob mentality. But I-I didn't know about the "suck" thing, so... really sorry for my outburst. [chuckling] I guess I'm getting old if I don't know about the slang today.
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, it happens to the best of us.
Applejack: So now that we're all friends and we agree that you're great, can you get on and do your little show, darlin'?
Trixie: My show? Um... Well... there's not actually a show yet.
Rarity: Then why did you get so upset when we said it sucked?!
Trixie: Because I thought you were crushing my dreams before they began.
Rarity: We only do that so you don't waste all your time and wind up disappointed. It's tough love. Except we don't actually care about you, so mostly it's just tough.
Trixie: No, hear me out. It's a great plan. I'm gonna do Peter Pan On Ice, but I'm gonna crowd-source everything.
Rarity: Did you seriously gather together a bunch of cheap plywood so you could build a stage and tell us this? Did you not realize that you could get drunk at the local bar and do the same thing for less time and energy?
Trixie: I've also got this story about how I wrestled a space bear.
Rarity: Same criticism applies. Just drink a lot and tell the stallions your little story, and eventually, one of them will take you home. Instant gratification with half the work.
Trixie: That's shallow. The objective is to spend money to make money and then get the guys, okay? I'm business-oriented. If I spend money and skip straight to guys, that's like... Well, that's like missing a crucial ambitious step.
Twilight Sparkle: The long-term planning to afford the alimony suit.
Trixie: Yeah, that one. Well, I don't really want to settle down with a guy. I just want money. I mean, and a guy occasionally, but I don't want to settle down with him.
Rarity: [scoffs] I know what you mean. You know, I run a boutique myself.
Trixie: Really? I tried to take up sewing. I made my own outfit. But maybe I could come by.
Rarity: Oh, that would be great! We should make a date out of it. If you've got a few bits, I could really spruce up your outfit with some gaudy rhinestones.
Twilight Sparkle: Is the show done?
Trixie: Oh. Yeah, kinda. Except, speaking of bits... I'm sorry I called you guys idiots, so can you put money in my hat and help crowd-fund my project? Otherwise, no, I don't have any bits.
Rarity: Oh. Well, I sure hope someone gives you some money so you can afford my brilliant tailoring skills. [whispering] Twilight, give her some money.
Twilight Sparkle: [whispering] You give her your money.
Rarity: [whispering] It's to pay for my tailoring. It's for a good cause.
Twilight Sparkle: [whispering] I'm not gonna pay your dumb ass for her tailoring.
Rarity: [whispering] Then you're paying for her performance. It's like a charity.
Twilight Sparkle: [whispering] What do I get for this?
Rarity: [sighs] Do you like Ponet? You like Ponet. I'll hook you up with Ponet.
Twilight Sparkle: [whispering] No, no, he's... He's not my type. He's a pretty boy.
Rarity: [whispering] Well, he's the sensitive type. Maybe he'd be up for certain things. You could try pegging.
Twilight Sparkle: [whispering] I don't care what he's into! If I tell you he's not my type, he's not my type!
Rarity: [whispering] Doctor Horse then.
Twilight Sparkle: [whispering] Forget the dating thing!
Rarity: [whispering] But it's Doctor Horse. Come on.
Twilight Sparkle: [whispering] He's married! Married!
Rarity: [whispering] So?
Trixie: Put money in the hat please.
Twilight Sparkle: Fine. I've got a bit.
Spike: Hey! That's my bit! You filthy four-legged thieves! You can't do this!
Trixie: Hey. Whoa. Four-legged thieves? I did not realize how racist Ponyville was towards ponies. You wouldn't expect that from the name.
Twilight Sparkle: Would you stop doing that? Y-You can't put yourself in front of a crowd intentionally and talk to it like it's a hive mind.
Trixie: I tell you what, I tell you what. I will pretend to be mollified to avoid conflict with you racist guys, but later I'm gonna go on my blog and I'm gonna tell everyone that Ponyville sucks.
Twilight Sparkle: How is that a bargain? You know, actually, I don't care. I bet your blog sucks. I bet nobody follows it.
Applejack: Twi, maybe y'all should just go before this blows up.
Twilight Sparkle: Okay, AJ, I'm gonna go, but, just, you know, before... Fine! You know, uh, you, the rest of you enjoy... whatever this is! Unless... I'm going. Because I want to! Not because you told me.
Twilight Sparkle: [grumbling] "What I learned today is... it's not the friends you make but the friends you keep."
Spike: Nope, you already did that one.
Twilight Sparkle: Okay, then you suggest something.
Spike: "Dear Princess Celestia, today I learned there's nothing wrong with a bisexual fling if it blows off tension."
Twilight Sparkle: Eat a dick. Eat a dick. Hey, did we ever figure out what this key goes to?
Spike: Nae, I don't know what that key belongs to.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, just put it somewhere safe. I'm tired of seeing it lay around.
Spike: Hey, how about... "You look at your friends differently after a bisexual fling."
Twilight Sparkle: Eat a dick!
Spike: What? She's not gonna read it.
Twilight Sparkle: Eat a dick, I said. No more.


Episode -5

     
Spike: Twilight, I'm bored. Aren't we supposed to be outside learning about friendship or the magic of arse-kissing or something?
Twilight Sparkle: Spike, have you read about a sociological model that's not grounded in complete crap?
Spike: All I ever hear about the social sciences are disparaging comments from you.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, the social sciences are nearly impossible to test empirically, and my little case studies are the furthest thing from scientific. So the best thing I can learn is the magic of drinking with Applejack on the weekends but only specifically with Applejack. And those lessons don't generalize over to other ponies unless the lesson is insanely vague. And sometimes not even then.
Spike: Fine. Justify it however you want. But if we keep staying indoors all day, we're gonna get rickets disease from the lack of sunlight.
Twilight Sparkle: Hey, speaking of disease, I feel like you've been looking a little bit... misshapen lately?
Spike: Well, that's funny because lately you've been looking like a real— [belch] Ugh. Excuse me. I was gonna say you're a bitch.
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, yeah. What's the letter say?
Applejack: So alright, I got this chicken blood y'all wanted. Mrs. Cluckerbottom was on her way to doggie kibble, but Granny says she wants y'all to pay us back for the other three we had to butcher.
Twilight Sparkle: Pay her back? I've been ordered to save the town from a dragon. That includes Sweet Apple Acres. She ought to be paying me!
Applejack: I know that, but that ain't how she figures. She thinks since y'all live here, you'd probably save the town one way or the other just to cover your own butt. And since you're livin' on a stipend from the government, she don't give a hoot. Y'all asked for chicken blood, so y'all gotta pay for chicken blood.
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah? Well, next time the town is in danger, I'll come up with a plan that saves everything but the farm.
Applejack: I hate to break this to ya, darlin', but Granny has no fear of death and she already views y'all as a product of drunk, irresponsible, political nepotism. If y'all destroy the farm in purposeful ignorance, she'll only feel vindicated.
Twilight Sparkle: Well... I could donate money to a pride parade or something.
Applejack: Well, she's pretty traditional, so that might get her goat – along with a couple other folks I know. But seriously though, do not battle Granny. You may win at the end, but she will make it a pyrrhic victory.
Rainbow Dash: I found the other guys!
Twilight Sparkle: Alright, great. That means we've got the elements of noisy, stupid, prissy, whatever I represent, and Applejack. That ought to be all we need to get rid of this dragon.
Rarity: What do we need the element of Applejack for?
Applejack: Darlin', you're missin' an element.
Twilight Sparkle: No, we're not. This is everybody.
Applejack: Element of kindness, sugarcube?
Twilight Sparkle: Is that you? Are you leaving? Don't walk out on this!
Applejack: No! The element of kindness, dear! You know, yellow gal? Pink hair? Mumbles a lot and stares at her hooves?
Twilight Sparkle: ...Dash?
Applejack: Does she look yellow?! Are you color-blind?!
Twilight Sparkle: No. She just has a lot of colors and sometimes she goes by really fast, so I took a guess.
Applejack: She is as blue as a berry and she's right over there! Guess again!
Twilight Sparkle: It's fine, AJ. Okay? Guys, here's what's going on. There's a dragon in that cave in the mountains, and it's gonna go to sleep for a thousand years. The soot from its breath is gonna cause environmental damage and possibly hurt crops, which has Filthy Rich upset, so we're being used to deal with it.
Rainbow Dash: Oh, cool! Are we gonna adventure to the top of the mountain and then negotiate with the dragon?
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah. Then we're gonna eat a bottle of painkillers and throw ourselves off a cliff.
Rarity: Why the hell would we do that? Twilight, can we please cut through your usual sarcasm?
Twilight Sparkle: Why the hell would we try to negotiate with a fire-breathing dragon?! If we had anything to offer it, it would just set us on fire and take whatever that thing was!
Rarity: Twilight, I have three orders to fill this month, and I don't have time to go mountain-climbing!
Twilight Sparkle: Good. We're on the same page then because I don't have time for that either. So here's what we're gonna do. Each of you stand on a point in this star that I've drawn here in chicken blood.
Applejack: Twi, I'm startin' to get a little apprehensive. What are we doin' exactly?
Twilight Sparkle: You are shutting up and standing there. This should not be the hardest part. Now here, I've got a script for you guys. I'll say the stuff in red, then you guys say the stuff in blue, okay?
Rarity: Oh, my. This is a slightly more... advanced kind of magic than what I learned in school.
Twilight Sparkle: Yes, that's because I didn't go to school. I was personally educated by God. Now shut up and read what it says in order. We have to do this ritual. "Hey!"
Main cast sans Twilight: "What?"
Twilight Sparkle: "Come up here!"
Main cast sans Twilight: "Why?"
Pinkie Pie: Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: "I said come up here!"
Main cast sans Twilight: "Why don't you come down here?"
Pinkie Pie: Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: "Don't give me that! You come up here!"
Main cast sans Twilight: "What do you want?"
Twilight Sparkle: "Come up here!"
Main cast sans Twilight: "I'm busy!"
Pinkie Pie: Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: "Do not make me ask you again!"
[boom]
Helldemon: Fine! What do you want?!
Pinkie Pie: Destroy Ponyville! Yes!
Twilight Sparkle: No-no. There's a dragon in a cave in that mountain. What I want you to do is go up, take this plastic garbage bag, and slide it over the dragon's head. What are you looking at? The dragon should be asleep, and the bag is enchanted to be fire-resistant.
Helldemon: I could destroy an army with a flick of my fingers, and you drag me from my soaps in the very bowels of Hell so I may be reduced to smothering a mortal creature with a plastic bag?!
Twilight Sparkle: Well, I certainly didn't summon you to whine. Okay, I thought of the garbage bag thing first, but then I had this idea, and I wasn't ready to let go of the old plan, so I combined them into one. If the bag doesn't work, just improvise. When the dragon is dead, go back to Hell.
[explosion]


Episode -6

     
Applejack: Oh, boy, if it ain't the town bicycle comin' through. Hey, Rarity, how much mileage does a lady get before she needs an oil change, if you catch my drift?
Rarity: A whole lot more mileage than she gets if she's just rusting in the parking lot. [sighs] I start one little rumor this month about you having a uterine tumor, and you just will not let it die. So what are you doing here? Don't tell me that we're going on another adventure.
Applejack: I don't rightly know. I just got a letter from Twilight sayin' that we urgently needed to meet her here at the treehouse tonight.
Rarity: And they're planning a massive thunderstorm. I bet you're going to be tracking all your mudpony mud into everyone's houses.
Applejack: At least my messes don't call for a good bleach scrub.
Rarity: [chuckles] Except for that disgusting scratchy mess that you call hair.
[door slams]
Twilight Sparkle: [stilted] Hey! You guys. Rarity and Applejack. My two friends.
Applejack: Uh, hello there, Twilight. How are y'all doin' today?
Twilight Sparkle: Yes. I mean, I'm feeling great. So good, in fact, because some guards came by and took Spike away for questioning, and I just know that they're gonna realize that I've been taking my friendship assignment super-seriously, and I love you guys.
Applejack: Oh.
Rarity: In that case, if you or anyone else is listening, I would be ecstatic to meet Prince Blueblood.
Twilight Sparkle: Heh. Rumor is that he's gay. And conceited like he's a rooster with the world's biggest rooster dick, but I bet you would extort someone over that. Yeah, come inside... friends. Don't stand out in the rain.
Applejack: So, uh... we're here for friendship studies. Is that right?
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah. The same thing that we do every night. If anybody asks. I-In fact, I was thinking tonight we could do a slumber party. And-and, like, catch up on each other's personal interests. Fun, huh?
Rarity: A slumber party? What are we, kids?
Twilight Sparkle: Mentally or physically, because...! Just go with it. I never had slumber parties when I was a kid and Celestia knows it, so I could probably study this.
Applejack: Aw, how come you never had sleepovers? Not a very social kid?
Twilight Sparkle: Nah. I just had a ridiculous lifetime of homework crammed into every solitary day of my life. I'd sleep for four hours, then catch small naps between work throughout the day. Stress usually kept me up anyway.
Rarity: Well, fact remains that we are too old for a slumber party. And you had better have some kind of luxurious futon, because I refuse to sleep on the floor!
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, the slumber party thing is just semantics. I got you guys covered. I've got a hard cider for AJ and a daiquiri for Rarity.
Rarity: Oh, you know how to mix a daiquiri! Great, that sounds wonderful.
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, I know how to mix every drink in the book. Wait here... companions.
Rarity: Well, this is a real treat. Here I thought she'd finally lost her mind and was about to ask us to play Twister. I mean, imagine me with some filthy, flea-ridden mudpony.
Applejack: I dunno if I even feel like drinkin'. You know, Rarity, a lot of slumber parties involve just watchin' a movie and goin' to bed.
Rarity: Really? My parents were okay with co-ed slumber parties. So I used to do that thing where you would go in the closet. You know, you spin the bottle, then you go in the wardrobe for seven minutes and titter because you can't see what you're groping.
Applejack: I ain't never been to one of those parties.
Rarity: [chuckles] That's because I never invited you.
Twilight Sparkle: Okay, got a Ponis cider for Applejack, and here's the daiquiri for Rarity.
Rarity: What is this?
Twilight Sparkle: It's a daiquiri... for Rarity.
[glass shatters]
Rarity: Well, now it's on the floor. That was not a daiquiri!
Twilight Sparkle: Yes, it is! Rum, lime, juice, syrup – daiquiri!
Rarity: What about the strawberry, smarty-pants?! Or the fact that it should be a slush?! Those are the parts that make it a daiquiri!
Twilight Sparkle: That's a frozen strawberry daiquiri! That's a specific variant of daiquiri! And I hope you like the one that I gave you because you're sitting in it, you ass! What I gave you was a standard, non-frozen daiquiri, and now there's glass all over the floor!
Rarity: [scoffs] Don't blow a blood vessel. Just call Spike out here and have him clean it.
Twilight Sparkle: He's not here! They took him away! How is that not, like, a crucial thing that you processed?
Rarity: Ohhh, right. Well, slumber party rules – one, two, three, not it!
Twilight Sparkle: What? ...Oh. [sighs] Okay, not it.
Applejack: Twilight, seriously?! I was waitin' for you to call her out on it. Come on! She made the mess – she ought to clean it.
Rarity: No, no, no. This is a slumber party. It's all about fun and relaxation. So you have to clean up the broken glass.
Applejack: [whimpering] Is it still bleedin'?
Twilight Sparkle: No, I think it stopped.
Rarity: That was so ridiculous. I forget how dependent a mudpony is on its mouth. What do you do after you've used the restroom?
Applejack: Rarity, I'm shocked that y'all don't already know everything there is to know about lickin' buttholes! Twilight, I gotta be honest. I'm not havin' a real good time, and I don't feel like I'm bondin' with either of you.
Twilight Sparkle: You learned a new reason to hate Rarity tonight.
Applejack: Okay, but if I can lay some blame, a pony with magic strong enough to rip Rarity in two pieces was supportive of her decisions.
Twilight Sparkle: AJ, we can't compromise the friendship study by murdering Rarity. It would make it impossible to do repeat testing, and then the results would be bunk.
Applejack: Can't y'all just make up some folksy wisdom like always? Like "two ponies... somethin', somethin'... ain't got nothin' in common can't be friends just 'cause they have one mutual friend, and... that's why the real giants are found in the heart."
Twilight Sparkle: No, I think I've got to actually write something tonight.
Rarity: Why doesn't AJ just leave? You could say that you got in a fight and... something, something, heart of the cards, you learned from failure.
Applejack: Yeah. I mean, Rarity put it stupid, but if your story always has some kind of positive happy ending, Celestia's probably gonna realize that the entire thing is fictitious.
Twilight Sparkle: Okay. That's a fair argument.
Rarity: Oh, my, but the rain is really coming down hard now. I think I'll stick around.
Twilight Sparkle: Great.
Applejack: I'll just borrow one of your umbrellas here and tough it out. Thanks for the cider, Twilight. I'll see ya later.


Episode -7

     
Pinkie Pie: [whispering] Twilight! Twilight! Psst! Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: For the last time, I am not going to bed with you!
Pinkie Pie: What? Oh. P-Pinkie has never said this. Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: It is heavily implied! Do not act like I don't see—
Pinkie Pie: It is innuendo. Yes. You cannot say that Pinkie...! [stuttering] That means you cannot acknowledge Pinkie's intentions until she properly seduces you! Twilight agrees. Yes. These are the rules!
Twilight Sparkle: No.
Pinkie Pie: Then how does Pinkie properly innuendo to Twilight? Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: Maybe get a stable job, take life more seriously... grow a horn...
Pinkie Pie: No. Yes. [whispering] But Twilight must come inside. Her life is in danger.
Twilight Sparkle: From what?
Twilight Sparkle: Okay, I'm inside. Why is everyone inside? I told you guys no more surprise parties.
Pinkie Pie: Behold! Out the window! Twilight was just in time! Gaze upon the pure, unadulterated horror of the zebra! Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: She's just... standing there.
Rainbow Dash: You don't understand. That's what makes it so scary, Twilight. She comes to Ponyville and she just stands there! Why does she do that?! We don't know!
Applejack: Sometimes she digs at the ground. Like, not real diligently. She just kinda...
Rarity: She's got a mohawk. I mean, oh, my God.
Twilight Sparkle: Dash, aren't you the one who was excited to go face down a dragon a little while ago? You guys are seriously hiding in terror in a candy store because there's a zebra in town.
Rainbow Dash: Well, that's different than a dragon though. She's got stripes. Like a tiger. Or a cuttlefish!
Pinkie Pie: The black and white represents the dua-l nature of mortality! Or morality. Mortal morality! Yes. It is good and evil balanced within a single equine! She is an affront to our existential shells! Yes.
Rarity: Seriously, who wears a mohawk in this day and age? She's probably a drug dealer. Or a road warrior.
Applejack: I hear she's allergic to every fruit but tangerines.
Rainbow Dash: I heard she's a zebra!
Applejack: How do you be allergic to every fruit but tangerine? They're all fruits. What's in 'em? Fruit! I'm pretty sure you've gotta use some kind of evil witchcraft to make yourself allergic to everything but tangerines.
Twilight Sparkle: Why would anyone use black magic to give themselves a food allergy?
[beat]
Applejack: Well... she didn't. 'Cause you know how, like, Dracula can't eat garlic 'cause he's evil.
Twilight Sparkle: Or maybe Dracula's a fictional character.
Applejack: Maybe.
Twilight Sparkle: Where is Mr. and Mrs. Cake anyway? Shouldn't they be bothered that there's a group panic attack in their store and Pinkie's not at the register?
Rarity: Mr. Cake is away on business and Mrs. Cake is... checking inventory in the pantry with a couple of guys. What are their names? Thunder Wings? And Butterfly Sting. I know that one.
Twilight Sparkle: You mean the heavyweight champion unicorn boxer Butterfly Sting?
Rarity: Oh, yeah. Apparently, he's headed up to Canterlot for some mountain cardio and he stopped off in Ponyville. That's why I'm even at the Sugarcube Corner. I thought I might catch him, but apparently, Mrs. Cake beat me to the punch. [chuckling] If you like a pun.
Twilight Sparkle: Man, that guy's in his prime. He's married to, like, a model or something.
Rarity: I know, right? Go, Mrs. Cake.
Applejack: I think it's just rightly deplorable. Poor Mr. Cake. I know he ain't the cutest fella, but he's diligent.
Twilight Sparkle: What did she say to get Butterfly Sting into the back room? And how did Thunder Wings get involved?
Pinkie Pie: Twilight, focus! Yes! There is evil at our doorstep prepared to alter our very lives! And the very way we gossip about Mrs. Cake!
Rarity: I think some stallions just have a preference for older, curvier mares.
Applejack: Well, Mr. Cake clearly has a preference for older, curvier mares and they made promises to each other.
Rarity: You are just saying that because you are embarrassingly single all the time. Butterfly Sting is, like, a strong, handsome celebrity. If you didn't go for it, you'd spend your entire life wondering what might have been.
Applejack: Thirty seconds of sweatin' and gruntin'.
Rarity: And a memory that lasts forever and, with that memory, a flowing sense of self-confidence.
Applejack: Yeah, and it flows right down your face, and in this case, down your butt cheek 'cause there's two of 'em.
Rarity: And down your inner thigh. Shut up, darling! I hate to tell you this, but you have no experience here.
Applejack: You know, what else is forever is the obliterated trust between her and Mr. Cake if he finds out. And what business is it of yours what level of experience I have?
Rarity: And just how is he gonna find out?
Pinkie Pie: You guys! Yes, there is the danger to society! The strip-ed zebra!
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, well, we don't know what the zebra does, but we know that Mrs. Cake is in the back with a couple stallions.
Pinkie Pie: No! Yes. Pinkie appeals to your fear of the unknown!
Twilight Sparkle: Is it really that big of a deal? 'Cause I'll deal with it. Dash, come with me.
Twilight Sparkle: Hey.
Rainbow Dash: [yelping]
[whack]
Twilight Sparkle: What?
Pinkie Pie: You did it! Yes.
Rainbow Dash: Oh, we did a dual tech attack. You should've told me. I thought you were pulling me out of the way of an evil spell.
Pinkie Pie: She's dead! Yes. Okay, now do Mrs. Cake.
Applejack: What happened? Where's the zebra?
Twilight Sparkle: Uh...
Rainbow Dash: We did a magic headbutt, and then she died!
Applejack: You did what?
Twilight Sparkle: We know less than nothing about zebras.


Episode -8

     
Twilight Sparkle: Okay, so we got a cake, we need some fine wine, someone's gotta get a red carpet... Oh, my God, I forgot to get the golden statue of Celestia! Uh... it's okay! Maybe-maybe she'll settle for an ice sculpture! Pinkie! Who in town knows how to make ice sculptures?!
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie does. Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: Are you lying?
Pinkie Pie: [chuckling] No. [whispering] Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: Well then, don't! This is serious! Celestia's coming to Ponyville, and I don't know if you realize this, but since getting to town, I have been doing dick!
Pinkie Pie: Rarity is the bad influence on you. Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: I mean metaphorically! I'm supposed to be studying friendship, but all I've got is a handful of situational anecdotes! I couldn't even get into a scientific journal with that, and that's, like, the lowest, most paltry measure of success in a research project! A mentally handicapped chimp could get into a scientific journal, Pinkie! A mentally handicapped chimp!
Pinkie Pie: Then you should outsource your research to a mentally handicapped chimp. Yes. Then take credit for its research! Or-or-or we could poison Celestia! Yes. Then your failings will be forgiven!
Twilight Sparkle: Are you kidding?! Celestia's personal memoirs on poison alone could fill this room from top to bottom! A concoction of carefully measured deadly toxins is part of her daily diet! They say her saliva could kill a pony! Why do you think she doesn't have any suitors?
Fluttershy: Um... excuse me?
Twilight Sparkle: The store is closed.
Fluttershy: I'm sorry.
Twilight Sparkle: Okay, great. Glad we cleared that up.
Fluttershy: Um... Twilight?
Twilight Sparkle: What?!
Fluttershy: Am I supposed to be here for the party?
Twilight Sparkle: It is closed invitational, so no. Random-ass ponies do not belong.
Fluttershy: Oh. Okay.
Twilight Sparkle: Okay. Goodbye.
Fluttershy: Um... Twilight?
Twilight Sparkle: What?!?
Fluttershy: Am I still an Element of Harmony? It's okay if I'm not! I understand!
Twilight Sparkle: [sighs] Okay, look. You must've missed the town meeting, but when Dash tried to recruit about, like, half the town to be Elements of Harmony, you can't do that. It's a... magical destiny thing. It just... It-It just doesn't work, okay?
Fluttershy: Oh, okay. I-I didn't know. I-I thought I was there, and that... But it all just happened so fast, I guess.
Twilight Sparkle: If you were an Element of Harmony, you'd know. You'd get, like, a necklace and everything. I mean, do you even have any friends?
Fluttershy: I have a bunny named Angel. But we're not on speaking terms right now.
Twilight Sparkle: So basically, you have no friends and you're asking if you're one of the elements of friendship.
Fluttershy: It does sound dumb when you think about it. I can't believe it! I let myself think I have a higher purpose again!
Twilight Sparkle: See? Yeah, you can't be an element of friendship 'cause, like, think about it. Take Rarity. She's the element of, uh... uh, Rarity, and she's got a ton of friends, like-like, um... a-a lot of the guys a-around town. Kinda. Or, uh, you could take Rainbow Dash. She, uh... [stammers] S-She knows ponies, but I... [stammers] Well, there's Pinkie! Pinkie knows a lot of ponies
Pinkie Pie: Yes. Pinkie knows all their secrets. And the yellow one has to be the friendly ponis to be the instrument of friendliness. Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: What the heck is that?
Fluttershy: Oh. I guess this is also a friend I made. I found him by the woods, and he lives in my hair now.
Parasprite: Bleh!
Twilight Sparkle: It's, uh... kind of disgusting.
Pinkie Pie: [chuckles] She is infested with parasprites. Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: What's a parasprite? And don't tell me a lie. If it sounds stupid, I'm gonna look it up in a book.
Pinkie Pie: They are the magical parasitic bug that reproduces asexually. Pinkie once considered unleash them upon her foes, but they are thwarted by the tuba. Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: Okay. Some of that is evident, and some of that sounds implausible and stupid.
Pinkie Pie: [scoffs] W-What is this mistrust of Pinkie?! This is discrimination! Yes. The Earth ponies is to be trusted with nature!
Twilight Sparkle: I can't even trust you with a sandwich. So these things reproduce really quickly, huh?
Pinkie Pie: Faster than fruit flies when Gummy doesn't throw out the garbage! Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: Faster than fruit flies... I've got an idea.
Twilight Sparkle: Alright, so what we're gonna do is we're gonna watch these little guys for signs of aggression. Since they're asexual, they should all have the same DNA. So if there's a genetic link to social behavior, we can probably breed an entire family line of aggressive parasprites.
Fluttershy: But if they all have the same DNA, how will parasprites with different DNA be born?
Twilight Sparkle: Listen, Peapod.
Fluttershy: My name is Fluttershy.
Twilight Sparkle: I know your name! Listen. If you don't understand basic genetics, then just nod your head and pretend that you do. Good.
Pinkie Pie: The yellow one embarrasses all with her lack of social grace. Yes. One day, we will get her for this.
Fluttershy: I'm sorry. [whispering] But how do you test their genetics?
Twilight Sparkle: It's simple. You put 'em in a test tube, you put a ball bearing in the test tube, you give it a good shake... and boom! You've got a nice little parasprite purée. A little bit of electrophoresis, and we've got an actual study on social behavior. I just hope Celestia doesn't mind that I'm doing a real research paper instead of the usual offhanded tripe I've been calling friendship studies.
Fluttershy: Hey, Twilight? You know that joke where you're talking about someone and then it turns out they're right behind you?
Twilight Sparkle: [panicked yelping]
Princess Celestia: I'm pleased that you're taking your research so seriously, my faithful student. It eases the risk of my terminating your various grants.
Twilight Sparkle: [chuckling nervously]
Princess Celestia: Curiously, I've slipped your mind faster than I might've expected.
Twilight Sparkle: No, no! No. I just... kinda... n-not sure.
Princess Celestia: If you lose track of even one of those parasprites, you will be eaten. This is not an exaggeration.
Twilight Sparkle: Yes! Yes. Okay.
Fluttershy: Does she mean the parasprites will eat you?
Twilight Sparkle: Shut up!
Princess Celestia: I look forward to your progress. Speaking of, what did you learn today?
Twilight Sparkle: Uh, that you should... that... [stammers] Listen-Listen to your friends, even if they're intentionally opaque!
Princess Celestia: I will be checking on you again... my faithful student.


Episode -9

     
Twilight Sparkle: Hey there, "Chuckles".
Rainbow Dash: Oh. Hi, Twilight.
Twilight Sparkle: What exactly are you doing with all these pigeons?
Rainbow Dash: I'm trying to figure out which way is north so I can get back to Ponyville through the northward route. I'm worried I got too far west and screwed it all up.
Twilight Sparkle: Why are you doing that?
Rainbow Dash: It's Winter Wrap Up, silly! The time when all the ponies work together to turn winter into spring. You plant flowers and get rid of the snow and help all the birds migrate...
Twilight Sparkle: I mean pigeons aren't migratory birds. Why the heck are you helping them migrate?
Rainbow Dash: Shoot. Seriously?! Man. That could've saved, like, two weeks.
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah. In fact, most birds can survive the cold. You just have to put food out and make some shelters. Canterlot doesn't even do a bird migration.
Rainbow Dash: Well, you don't have Pegasi to fly for the trip.
Twilight Sparkle: All we've got is high magic and the best logistical planning tax money can buy.
Rainbow Dash: Gah. Who needs planning when you got the fastest Pegasus in the whole world? I just do it so quick that everybody looks at their schedule and they're like, "Wow. That was, uh, faster than I thought... planned for."
Twilight Sparkle: You're an idiot. Where's the team that zaps the snow away? That's what I usually do.
Rainbow Dash: We don't zap the snow away. Ponyville used to be Earth pony only, and they haven't gotten rid of a bunch of the old religious laws, so we can't use magic. We just have to shovel it all.
Twilight Sparkle: But ponies died following those traditions!
Rainbow Dash: Applejack says that is a point of pride.
Twilight Sparkle: Dammit, who is in charge?
Rainbow Dash: I'm in charge of the Pegasus division.
[beat]
Rainbow Dash: See, 'cause there's lots of extra responsibilities and no salary, so everyone just puts their name in a hat. But I kinda like being in charge of this, so I put my name in the hat lots of times.
Twilight Sparkle: This sounds catastrophically stupid. How does Ponyville not implode this time of year?
Rainbow Dash: Well, of course it's 'cause we do everything natural and the Earth pony way but with a little help from Pegasus stuff.
Twilight Sparkle: It's not natural! The whole process is completely unnatural! It's forcing the seasons to change!
Rainbow Dash: Oh, Twilight, have you been hanging around Fluttershy? There's nothing unnatural about subjugating little animals. Here, let me sing a song for you.
On annual occasion, between the tax evasion
The higher-ups will hire us to clean the snowy nation
We gather up the birdies, and even though they're dirty
We usher all the vermin back to town where they can scurry
We go into the caves where we hope the bears behave
And we prod 'em with a stick until they wake up mad and dazed
Of course you can't forget the bugs where they live beneath the rugs
Then you gotta go to gardens, say good morning to the grubs
[Twilight Sparkle]
Dash, this is really nothing but a puerile hoax
Studies show that species don't respect these jokes
They can work around whatever plans we make
I think you're simply lost in what is found at stake
You mention you don't get any wages, but did you know that there's a committee that takes federal funds and then pays provincial taxes on the profits? I don't suppose you know about pork barrel politics?
[Rainbow Dash]
Applejack's the one who deals with pigs
But I know that every year, all the birds come home
The little ones will sing their pretty songs
And then a hawk will eat their moms
And I guess that that is pretty sad
But it's cool, 'cause hawks are cool
Twilight Sparkle: Okay, I feel like we're coming from two totally separate lines of thinking. What I was getting at was not that this is cool but rather that it's a great big bureaucratic mess that requires a ton of oversight. You shouldn't be in charge just because nobody else wanted to be. And especially not if it's so you can watch hawks eat little birds.
If you look at the budgeting and past all the mudslinging
You find little reasons behind the face publishing
But setting aside the sinecure politics
Of insecure idiots or lugubrious lunatics
There's an optimal level of offering aid
For these little creatures that calls to be weighed
Basically, you can screw up their ecosystem something fierce.
[Rainbow Dash]
Well, the birdies and the bears are made of pretty rough, tough stuff
I think they barely notice if we screw things up
That's the core convenience of all-natural
Or whatever's the meaning that what I meant to sell
I haven't heard the reason why we have the snows
Maybe there's a chance nopony knows
What I think is most important is that we get things done
And that we get done early 'cause this isn't fun!
Last year, I got frostbite from my head to my butt and I cried and I cried and they wouldn't let me off early because they thought I was faking. Really, it was because Tuba Sunbather blew off his job moving his clouds, so I took over and got all wet without the special jackets that you need. Now, I tried to be nice and everything, but I got all up on his case, and he said he'd make it up to me. Like, he'd buy an ice cream cone for me for the spring. But he never did! Maybe he thought I'd forget, but I didn't though! I got frostbite! I went to the doctor and everything! That was a really harsh lesson. I'm never gonna do that again. It wasn't like that in Cloudsdale. Everyone was more aware of the weather, you know?
[Twilight Sparkle]
So what I hear you saying is that the picture you're portraying
Is administrative messes and a schedule that oppresses
You get zero compensation, not a lot with innovation
And the working that you do is widely free of indication
[Rainbow Dash]
I would say that's pretty stable and you're grasping what you're able
And that seasonal employment isn't much to my enjoyment
But I'm trapped within the system by a certain lack of wisdom
And I'd make a break if I could just be free from obligation
[Twilight Sparkle]
If that's the way things are, then I guess I'll hit the bar
And I'll leave you to your labor 'fore I let it get too far
I thought of taking over, but I dropped my damn composure
And it isn't worth the time if there isn't much exposure
Rainbow Dash: Okay, Twilight. Well, you have a good day, I guess. I'll just stay here and deal with all these pigeons.
Twilight Sparkle: Great. If Applejack asks, I'm busting my ass shoveling snow.
Rainbow Dash: Oh, she's probably way too busy to find you.
Twilight Sparkle: Good.
Thrackerzod: Twilight Sparkle is not doing what she is supposed to do. Are you absolutely sure that it is Thursday?
Rarity: Yes, Thrackerzod, it's Winter Wrap Up day.
Thrackerzod: There is a thing Twilight Sparkle is supposed to be doing. An ordinary thing.
Rarity: I know. We're all working very hard except for you and the other kids.
Thrackerzod: Are you sure it is Thursday? Maybe all the ponies have gazed upon the wrong calendar date. The stroke of midnight this Thursday is a perfectly normal significant date. Twilight Sparkle is to perform a deed.
Rarity: Thrackerzod, if you want to help, why don't you do something yourself instead of focusing on what Twilight is doing? I think I saw Rainbow Dash trying to get a flock of pigeons to adopt some baby cardinals. Why don't you help with that, hmm?


Episode -10

     
Diamond Tiara: Hey, Apple Bloom. After today's lesson, I couldn't help but notice your blank flank.
Apple Bloom: Yeah? And which lesson was this, Diamond Tiara? Miss Cheerilee has the tendency to lose herself in personal anecdotes. She got halfway into the story about how she learned she loved assessin' the worth of a child's intelligence through arbitrary percentile systems, and after that, I started doodlin'.
Silver Spoon: Today we learned that blank flanks have no value to society because the mark on your butt dictates your future job. That is what we learned, Diamond Tiara. But Apple Bloom didn't learn, so that means you have an advantage.
Apple Bloom: Well, actually, I did know that. It's common knowledge. Anyway, it ain't true that you have no value to society. Mark Buttless works on the farm cartin' stuff, and we pay him. Saves us a heap o' trouble.
Diamond Tiara: He carts manure!
Silver Spoon: And he's ugly!
Diamond Tiara: And he smells like manure!
Silver Spoon: He lives honestly and within his means! Like some kind of animal!
Apple Bloom: He don't get run nearly as hard as my brother Big Mac. And my brother do got his cutie mark. Granny and AJ get him so beat that some nights all he does is lock himself in the barn with his friends and groan in agony. I figure it's about how much you speak up as to how you get respect.
Diamond Tiara: Apple Bloom, we're trying to bully you. You're not supposed to assess what we're saying as though it's thoughtful advice.
Apple Bloom: Oh, is that what y'all are doin'? Heck, y'all could get some lessons. Are y'all goin' for physical or emotional?
[beat]
Diamond Tiara: Are we what?
Apple Bloom: I'm asking if y'all wanna wrassle or if y'all wanna take turns verbally burnin' eternal shame into one another. 'Cause either way, I've been raised by my siblin's and one cantankerous old lady. So if you wanna go, I'll butt-[bleep] the two of you so deep in the ground that Mesozoic fossils will have to charge you for real estate! You'll go home with a profound understandin' of how foolish and mortal your daddy was to send y'all to public school! I'm not old enough to understand restraint, and I will become death on a cherub's wings unto your every sense of self-worth!
Diamond Tiara: Uh... On second thought, are you still friends with Twist? Maybe we'll try bullying her instead.
Apple Bloom: Her? Nah. She said her favorite member of the Back-'Sync-Jonas-Direction was Sweet Hustle, when everybody knows the cutest boy is Banana Puddin'. That was just about the last straw right there. We ain't friends.
Silver Spoon: Oh! Everybody knows the boy band hierarchy! It's basically, like... tired! It's tired how much people realize that we all know the boy band hierarchy! I don't even really like boy bands, but I know that society expects me to because of my gender and age. So I just follow the rules. And Diamond Tiara likes them.
Apple Bloom: I know, right? We all make sacrifices to listen to these boy bands that none of us actually enjoy.
Diamond Tiara: It is the burden of the preteen girl. And Twist has failed. Hey, do you want to come to my cute-ceañera today?
Apple Bloom: Heck yes, I do! Honestly, about that "death on cherubs' wings" stuff? I was just talkin'. That's how AJ gives it to the sheep when they get a-riled up, but she said I'm not supposed to repeat it, so... so don't tell her I said those things. Especially that part about your butt.
Diamond Tiara: No, it's cool. Daddy says I might need an enforcer someday. See you at the party!
Thrackerzod: Apple Bloom. Allow me to extend introductory greetings. As like all ponies, I am unaware that time has been forcibly relocated to obfuscate the terms of a contract.
Apple Bloom: Uh... hey.
Thrackerzod: Yes. As is normal, my poor sense of casuality leaves me apparently baffled, able to write off my perceptions as déjà vu.
Apple Bloom: Yeah... You're Sweetie Belle, right? You're that girl that's always gettin' hassled 'cause she gets C's in everything?
Thrackerzod: My grades are very average. I respond to this with despair but do nothing to improve, like the other children. And my name is Thrackerzod. It is the closest utterance to that which can be heard in the tune of a tin flute where only dreams reside. "Sweetie Belle" is my given name. I do not go by that name except around my parents. Or when visiting relatives.
[beat]
Thrackerzod: So... now that we are friends on the childish basis that we have made contact with one another, I would like to note concern regarding your previous discussion about cutie marks.
Apple Bloom: Please don't tell Miss Cheerilee that I used the F-word! That kind o' thing always turns into a double punishment! First Granny makes it so I can't sit down for a week, then in detention they tell me to sit for a week!
Thrackerzod: I have heard words which cause the skin to burn from the very bones of mortals. L-Like a normal pony, I am shocked and appalled at the F-bomb because I am intended to be but I am otherwise unaffected. I was referring to the concern of not having cutie marks. You see, I too lack a cutie mark. It occurs to me now we are two of three who stand out in this regard.
Apple Bloom: Huh. When you put it that way, it do sound like a fault. I mean, bullies will pick on ya for anything, but as a random gal with no history of trouble, y'all do get me worried. On top of that, it occurs to be now that Twist has her cutie mark and I don't. And I sure don't want to be less successful than Twist.
Thrackerzod: It is fine. As a group, we shall blend in and no longer be awkward. I propose we approach Scootaloo and assimilate her to our purpose.
Apple Bloom: Or y'all could come with me to the farm and we could get a cutie mark!
Scootaloo: Hey there, baby. I see you did something nice with your hair today. It looks good.
Rarity: Uh-huh. Same thing I do everyday, Scootaloo.
Scootaloo: Well, it looks good everyday! Hoo!
Apple Bloom: I don't see what's so wrong about having an apple cutie mark. It's a perfectly good cutie mark... Hey, Scootaloo, you want to join our group?
Scootaloo: Baby, you know I do. Anytime, anywhere, Scootaloo is at your beck and call.
Apple Bloom: Cool, cool. So now we got a group based on not havin' cutie marks. What do we call ourselves?
Scootaloo: Blank Bottom Girls!
Thrackerzod: Cutie Mark Crusaders.
Apple Bloom: The Tango Trio.
Scootaloo: Crammin' for Cutie Marks!
Thrackerzod: Cutie Mark... Crusaders.
Apple Bloom: Flank Finders.
Thrackerzod: Cutie Mark Crusaders.
Apple Bloom: Well, who are we crusadin' against?
Thrackerzod: Your mom!
[beat]
Apple Bloom: My mom is dead.


Episode -11

     
Rainbow Dash: Aw, man.
Applejack: When they're not flying' through my window, seems like you can hardly get more than ten feet out.
Rainbow Dash: Well, I'm trying to look where I throw, but I can't see what I'm doing, and depth perception is hard.
Applejack: I'm not sure who invented this game. It's pretty tough to line up your throws while the stick is straight down your blind spot. Still though, keep tryin' lighter instead of harder. The farm's not makin' enough money to pay for these damages.
Rainbow Dash: Hey, AJ? It's pretty cool the way we hang out and play games and everything. Everybody always tells me to "go back to work" or "it's three in the morning". But you're always up by then.
Applejack: Sure. Well, I know y'all, and you're a bit of a sore loser. I figure I'm the only one who knows how to have a bit of fun and how to back off enough so you don't lose your temper.
Rainbow Dash: What?! Nuh-uh! You don't let me win! I kick your butt as fair as a square!
Applejack: Oh, is that so? See? I knew it. Our matches are as even as a rhombus. I put as much skill into losin' as I do into keepin' pace with you before the big finale.
Rainbow Dash: Don't you bring triangles into this! And a rhombus is still an equal shape!
Applejack: No, it ain't. It's crooked. No, wait. Well, that ain't the point! The point is that you don't handle a loss gracefully, and that's the only reason that I'm the only one who plays games with y'all, Dash!
Rainbow Dash: No, it-it's not true! Even when I lose, I still look good doing it! Grace is part of the score sometimes, and I usually make at least average on that!
Applejack: Alright, alright. I got a game for ya. Hold out your hoof. Hold it out.
[tap]
Applejack: Okay. So I just touched your hoof. That's one point for me. Now, the object of the game is to get me to put out my hoof and then you touch it before I pull it away.
Rainbow Dash: Okay. Put out your hoof.
Applejack: No.
Rainbow Dash: No? What do you mean no? You have to put your hoof out so I can touch it.
Applejack: Well, that ain't in the rules as far as I know. I don't have to. I'm just not puttin' my hoof out, so I got one point and I win.
Rainbow Dash: No! No, you have to put your hoof out and then I get a point! And-and then one more point! I have to have a chance!
Applejack: Nah.
Rainbow Dash: No, you have to!
Applejack: I don't. Your ass has been whooped!
Rainbow Dash: Okay! Then... I challenge you to a gauntlet of sports exercises, and whoever wins wins this game!
Applejack: I am a farmer. I have got things to do, girlfriend. About four dozen things need fixin' right now, and the only reason I take time off for horseshoes is because I need some merriment for my sanity.
Rainbow Dash: [stutters] You go on adventures all the time!
Applejack: Right. And they don't pay jack-diddly, which is why I have four dozen things to fix and not a dozen things to fix. I told y'all you couldn't handle a loss.
Rainbow Dash: Okay, I admit it. The thing that you said. Just-just put your hoof out for me, please?
Applejack: Sorry, darlin'. One victory for me out of hundreds of losses won't kill you. I gotta get back to work.
[knocking]
Rainbow Dash: Hi, Twilight. Uh, I came by to ask if you had any books on what to do about touching hooves with Applejack.
[beat]
Twilight Sparkle: Like... [???]?
Rainbow Dash: Maybe? Like-like a guide for... Applejack wants me to touch her hoof.
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah. I've got books like that. I don't read them.
Rainbow Dash: Awesome! I knew you'd come through! Earlier today, Applejack touched me, and I gotta learn how to do it back so I'm the best at it.
Twilight Sparkle: Huh. I-I don't, um... N-Normally, ponies don't come to the library to check out books. You're all a bunch of literary degenerates. Am I supposed to help you or...?
Rainbow Dash: Just give me the beginner's guide to touching with Applejack, and then we'll go from there, okay?
Twilight Sparkle: Okay. Thanks for not... flying through my ceiling today.
Applejack: What the Jiminy Sam Hill? Gah! Good lord! You're just hangin' around my house?!
Rainbow Dash: I bought you that. It's yours. Okay, let's touch hooves.
Applejack: Don't y'all have a lot of preparin' to do for the Fallin' of the Leaves?
Rainbow Dash: Not really. All we do is run. And I'm always ready to run.
Applejack: It ain't just runnin'. It's a magical ceremony where we make the leaves fall out of the trees 'cause we run by 'em. I don't know how it works, but it-it's a ceremony. You can't just treat it like it's an everyday thing.
Rainbow Dash: Okay. I cannot focus on two things. Touch my hoof.
Applejack: Dash, we gotta run today. You lost the hoof thing.
Rainbow Dash: But I bought you flowers. They're yellow because we're friends, and you have them now, so that means we're ready to move on to the part where we touch hooves.
Applejack: The Sam Hill are you on about?
Rainbow Dash: What is a Sam Hill?! Just touch my hoof, okay? The rest of the chapter's... It just keeps going!
Applejack: No! You ain't touchin' my hoof! You lost! It's time to let go!
Apple Bloom: What are these? You got flowers? Ohhh, you got a secret admirer!
Rainbow Dash: I got her those.
Apple Bloom: Dash bought you these? I thought two fillies couldn't be secret admirers. How'd you do it? You just, like, bump up against each other?
Applejack: [stutters] Just– It-it ain't like that! Just go to your room! Dash, go home! Both of you, go to your rooms!
Rainbow Dash: Aw, man!
Applejack: And neither of y'all slam your doors either! Or I'm takin' 'em off the hinges!
Applejack: I take it y'all aren't plannin' to tire yourself out.
Twilight Sparkle: Nope. I read a lot of books about running and concluded it's stressful.
Applejack: They do say knowledge is power, and I guess here's proof.
Twilight Sparkle: So... you've gotten yourself kinda... tangled up with Dash.
Applejack: Yeah. And what a way to start your mornin' she is.
Twilight Sparkle: I wouldn't think she's a hoot to go to bed with in the first place, much less wake up with. But I guess love is blind. Actually, that saying gets it wrong. Love is clearly deaf and only has good enough eyesight to make out basic shapes.
Applejack: Whatever y'all heard, it is a lie perpetrated by my soon-to-be-double-grounded sister!
Rainbow Dash: I got you these. Can we touch hooves now?
Applejack: [sighs]
[tap]
Rainbow Dash: Okay. One more time.
Applejack: There. You win. Are ya happy?
Rainbow Dash: Yes. Thank you.


Episode -12

     
Rarity: And so she said to me...
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah.
Rarity: "They look like they're from the reign of Pontilla the Herzy."
Twilight Sparkle: Uh-huh.
Rarity: But little did she realize that they were specifically modeled after that era.
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah.
Rarity: So in reality, her little jab was actually something of a compliment.
Twilight Sparkle: Okay.
Rarity: Ugh. But you know how ponies around here can be.
Twilight Sparkle: Uh-huh.
Rarity: I'm so lucky that you moved in.
Twilight Sparkle: Uh-huh.
Rarity: Aside from myself, you're the only cultured pony in Ponyville. I mean, Dash comes from Cloudsdale, but horseflies are all about pillars, columns, and pedophilia.
Twilight Sparkle: That is because of one of their ancient philosophers. That was a-a scandal at the time among their ponies, and they never really lived it down.
Rarity: Well, of course not! It's their whole culture! It makes sense if you think about it. I mean, why is Dash so stupid?
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah. Hey, are you any good at making dresses?
[beat]
Rarity: Oh! Oh, just go to hell! Get out of my shop!
Twilight Sparkle: Well, it's just that I came into your shop to ask you about getting a dress...
Rarity: I—
Twilight Sparkle: ...and you launched into some stupid story!
Rarity: I showed you what I had for sale.
Twilight Sparkle: You showed me a hat.
Rarity: Well, do you want the—?
Twilight Sparkle: And then you started telling me about your other clients.
Rarity: D-Do you want the hat or not?
Twilight Sparkle: If I wanted a hat, I would've asked for the hat! How do you even stay in business?
Rarity: I—
Twilight Sparkle: You make custom-to-order dresses, and you're based in a hamlet!
Rarity: It's not a hamlet – it's a village!
Twilight Sparkle: You don't—
Rarity: We have stores and we have—
Twilight Sparkle: You don't even have one of Celestia's churches.
Rarity: It burned down.
Twilight Sparkle: And your stores double as houses.
Rarity: This is a boutique.
Twilight Sparkle: It's your house. And the Cakes' business is also their house.
Rarity: And you live in a library. Ponies living in dead trees shouldn't cast stones, Twilight.
Twilight Sparkle: Right, which only reinforces my point.
Rarity: Why are you still inside my shop? I thought I threw you out.
Twilight Sparkle: I thought that I was the only metropolitan horse in Ponyville. Guess I'll go tell everyone in Canterlot that that's not the case.
Rarity: R-Right. Well... the only adult female. You're not that important. Filthy Rich sometimes buys gowns for his daughter.
Twilight Sparkle: What about the mom?
Rarity: She is some kind of harpy. I don't even... I mean, last Thursday, she came in—
Twilight Sparkle: A-Alright, s-so sell me a dress. I have to go to the Great Galloping Gala, and I need one.
Rarity: [sighs] Alright, give me just a minute. I have to grab my tape. I've got to do a few measurements.
Twilight Sparkle: They come custom, right? I've got a few requests.
Rarity: Oh, I know where this is going. You want me to do something insane like sew a star map into your dress, and it has to be accurate. Well, I can do it, but it's going to cost a fortune.
Twilight Sparkle: Rarity, I am a practical pony. What part of asking you to turn my dress into a star map would be practical?
Rarity: Well, regardless, it's going to cost a bit. It's not like you're just buying off the rack. So what's your budget?
Twilight Sparkle: No, seriously, this is bothering me now. How would I navigate the stars if the map were printed on my ass?
Rarity: I don't know. You wouldn't use it for that. Maybe go chat with the stallions from the Canterlot Observatory. Offer to let them stargaze and then they'll be all impressed because, "Hey, look, it's accurate!" Sort of. They'll let a bit pass if they're looking at your butt, okay? It's... eh.
Twilight Sparkle: You would think of that. What coordinate system would you use?
Rarity: Is there more than one?
Twilight Sparkle: There's hundreds of them. Maps are 2D, but the real world is 3D, Rarity. There's a lot of trigonometry.
Rarity: Alright, it would cost a double fortune. See? You shot yourself in the foot there, didn't you, smarty-pants? It's not gonna happen is what I'm getting at.
Twilight Sparkle: A double fortune is, like, what? Four thousand bits?
Rarity: Okay, I have got to ask again. What is your budget?
Twilight Sparkle: You thinking about going to the Gala?
Rarity: I've thought about it, but I wasn't able to get a ticket.
Twilight Sparkle: They're running about four thousand bits right now. Of course, selling them would be a felony.
Rarity: Twilight... a-are you implying that you could get me into the Gala?
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah. I'm a very metropolitan pony. I could get a ticket mailed straight to your house. It'll have your name on it and everything.
Rarity: It's a boutique, not a house.
Twilight Sparkle: Whatever. I already gave away two tickets to Dash and Applejack.
[crash]
Rainbow Dash: Hi, guys!
Rarity: You gave tickets to the Gala away to... to THIS?!
Rainbow Dash: I just did the coolest flip!
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah. So... on the bright side, if you happen to find a ticket landed in your mailbox, it's not gonna look like you did me any special favors. And we won't get arrested.
Rainbow Dash: So whatcha guys talking about? We gonna do an adventure?
Rarity: Twilight! How could you?! You-You could just actually give me the ticket! T-There's no way that I'm going to have time to make a dress worth four thousand bits!
Twilight Sparkle: I know, I know. Just make something worth a couple hundred, and... I don't know, set something up for Dash and AJ.
Rarity: But why do I have to work for mine?!
Twilight Sparkle: Because gratitude is not collateral, and what is Dash gonna trade me?
Rainbow Dash: Comic books.
Twilight Sparkle: I live in a library!
Rainbow Dash: I know. That's where I got them from. But I could return them though.
Twilight Sparkle: See? She's got nothing.
Rainbow Dash: I was thinking that, one of these days, I could sell stuff out of my house like you guys.
Rarity: It's not a house! It's a boutique!
Rainbow Dash: Yeah. I spent as much money as I had on cashews. 'Cause I was gonna sell them. But then my house is a cloud so the cashews got wet and now they're ruined. Business over.
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, that's too bad.
Rainbow Dash: I heard they're thinking about building a McPone's around here. Maybe I could run the store.
Rarity: See? They're thinking of starting a McPone's. We are not a hamlet.
Twilight Sparkle: The licensee is gonna get screwed. You know it's just gonna be built into the train station, right?
Rarity: It doesn't matter where they build it. A hamlet doesn't have a McPone's.
Twilight Sparkle: Is this the modern world we live in? Seriously? Where a McPone's qualifies as a church and turns your hamlet into a village?
Rarity: Well, if our god wasn't a sun god, maybe her church wouldn't have burned down.
Rainbow Dash: I'm gonna make a million bits running McPone's, and then I'm gonna buy the Wonderbolts, and then I'm just gonna make myself a Wonderbolt directly!
Twilight Sparkle: To be a McPone's franchisee, you need at least eight hundred thousand bits saved up in the bank, fifty thousand to pay for the rights, and then ten percent of your profits go to corporate.
Rarity: Who in Ponyville could afford all that?
Twilight Sparkle: Filthy Rich? The same pony that owns the train station?
Rarity: Oh. Right. You know, he owns the lease on Applejack's farm.
Twilight Sparkle: So anyway! About these dresses...
Rainbow Dash: I want mine to be aerodynamic. And have wings just like me.
Rarity: You're ordering a dress, Dash. It's supposed to be flowing and pretty.
Rainbow Dash: But that's gonna have a lot of drag.
Rarity: This is going to be like designing clothes for three-year-olds, isn't it?!
Twilight Sparkle: Are you a professional or not? Just make her stupid dress.
Rainbow Dash: Put on, like, a... a cone on the front to deflect the air.
Twilight Sparkle: Shut up, Dash. Rarity, just make the dresses without our input.
Rarity: Thank you! You know, this is the environment that all professional artists should be working under.


Episode -13

     
[whirring]
Twilight Sparkle: A little too much caffeine today, Dingles?
Pinkie Pie: Yes! But also no. Yes. Pinkie is the psychopotamus!
Twilight Sparkle: Okay. Well, you do that, Pinkie.
Pinkie Pie: You don't understand! It comes!
Twilight Sparkle: I'm sure it does.
Pinkie Pie: You cannot escape! From the sky it descends in righteous fury! Yes!
Twilight Sparkle: What comes?
Pinkie Pie: The thing!
Twilight Sparkle: What thing?! What?!
[crash]
Twilight Sparkle: Ugh!
Pinkie Pie: The prophecy has passed! As foretold! Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: Did you rig a potted plant to fall on me?!
Pinkie Pie: No. Yes. Pinkie is innocent. Her mind sees the truth. And Pinkie speaks the truth. Kneel before Pinkie!
Twilight Sparkle: I'm gonna kneel you over and...!
Pinkie Pie: Tell Pinkie. What will Twilight do?
Twilight Sparkle: Surgically... narrow your breathing passages, you pink asshole!
Pinkie Pie: That is slightly less sexy than Pinkie hoped. Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: You hit me with a plant!
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie predicted your future!
Twilight Sparkle: Well, I'm predicting your future, and it's full of scalpels!
Applejack: Uh-oh. Sounds like you got a little taste of the Pinkie Prediction, did ya?
Pinkie Pie: Yes. Pinkie predicted the future, and then Twilight performs the threats.
Twilight Sparkle: Violence is the only way she's gonna learn.
Applejack: Oh, no, her predictions are real, gal.
Twilight Sparkle: So are mine. They're called self-fulfilling prophecies.
Pinkie Pie: Oh, no. Pinkie sees! Yes! It comes again! All tremble and despair!
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, no, you don't! Not this time, you little pink fu—
[crash]
Twilight Sparkle: Ugh!
Applejack: See? You can't get away from them. You try and get away, and it just comes true.
Pinkie Pie: The prophecy has come to fruition!
Twilight Sparkle: What the heck?! What kind of soothsayer only sees potted plants flying into her friends' heads?!
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie's gift is as mysterious as it is abundant. Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: She's never done this before.
Applejack: Well, she has, actually. But last time was before you came to Ponyville. And it's usually after she's had a whole buttload of coffee.
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie must remain vigilant. The government spies upon her dreams.
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, yeah. How convenient that is. After Pinkie has been up all night prowling all over the place, she can suddenly predict the trajectory of flying shrubbery.
Pinkie Pie: [chuckling] Sometimes Pinkie predicts buildings falling down.
Applejack: One time, she predicted that Dog Hoofington was gonna choke to death on some sunflower seeds, and sure enough...
Pinkie Pie: [manic chuckling] Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: She is full of crap.
Applejack: You don't believe it? That don't make a lick of sense.
Twilight Sparkle: What about Pinkie being psychic makes any—?
Pinkie Pie: A psychopotamus!
Twilight Sparkle: ...Makes any sense? Why does that not make sense?
Applejack: Well, here y'all are, the literal element of magic in the flesh, questionin' as to whether or not Pinkie has magical psychiatry powers.
Pinkie Pie: Yes! That as well! Pinkie has a degree!
Twilight Sparkle: I'm not questioning if she has powers—
Applejack: Yes. Yes, you are. You just said to my face that psychiatry is full of crap.
Twilight Sparkle: I'm saying she doesn't have powers.
Applejack: Then how does she see the future, Twilight? From analyzing dreams. It's your basic psychiatry.
Pinkie Pie: It is true! And AJ has deep-seated issues with her parents! Yes. She has coped by devoting herself to apples to replace their absence.
Applejack: Okay, now let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Pinkie Pie: It all fits! Yes! She replaces the Apples with apples!
Applejack: I farm to live. I don't really appreciate this psychic analysis, Pinkie, your degree aside.
Pinkie Pie: How dare you mock Pinkie's education. Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: [to Pinkie Pie] Where do you find the time—? [to Applejack] Where would she find the time to study and keep up with the field? She devotes each and every day to nothing!
Pinkie Pie: And you fill the void of your life with books! Yes. Because you do not have... filling! For the void! T-The... true filling is... What is the purpose of li...?!
Applejack: Hard work, I think. To finish that thought.
Twilight Sparkle: I fill the void with alcohol and the distant belief that I have some kind of destiny that will work everything out.
Pinkie Pie: If the void has walls, maybe the walls of the void occupy physical space. So if you put a void inside a void, the second void is scrunched.
Applejack: Really, Twi? I wouldn't think you'd take truck with destiny.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, I don't mean destiny so much as a mathematical sort of fate.
Applejack: Yeah, that's what I said. Destiny.
Twilight Sparkle: No, I mean, like, if you hit a ball, the ball moves. So everything depends on everything else if something is gonna land somewhere because something acted on that thing to put it there.
Applejack: Well, generally, Twilight, that somethin' that puts you places is your own willingess to pick yourself up by the bootstraps.
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah, which is all controlled by hormones and chemistry—
Pinkie Pie: And a desire to fill the void! Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: You are not a psychiatrist!
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie is a psychopotamus.
Applejack: Look, she can predict the future. There's no sense in tryin' to apply the scientific method.
Twilight Sparkle: Who's applying the scientific method? I'm not. I'm just being skeptical.
Applejack: You're trying to observe an intangible reality. You always do this, Twilight, and it's always wrong. If it's real, you just gotta accept that it's real.
Twilight Sparkle: Or what?
Pinkie Pie: Then you are living like Pinkie. Yes.
Applejack: Delusional and insane.
Pinkie Pie: No... Yes. Applejack traitor. Living by your own rules.
Twilight Sparkle: I just think it seems like something Pinkie would do. Going out of her way to set up an elaborate hoax so she can pretend to be psychic for attention.
Pinkie Pie: [gasps] Pinkie can see! It is enormous!
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, great. You're gonna bash me in the head again. Real hilarious.
Applejack: Uh... Twilight?
Pinkie Pie: [wailing] We are all going to the hospital!
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, my God.
[wham]


Episode -14

     
Rainbow Dash: Wow. It has been so long since the last time I was in Cloudsdale. I forgot the smell of the industrial rainbows and the way the low pressure makes your ears pop. The way you get the stars in your eyes from the lack of oxygen.
Fluttershy: [breathless] Dash. Please. I've been begging you to slow down for an hour and a half. My... heart is gonna explode.
Rainbow Dash: That's okay. We're here now. And because we went fast, that means we get a long break.
Fluttershy: [breathless] Oh, thank goodness.
[beat]
Rainbow Dash: Okay. I'm bored. You wanna go do something?
Fluttershy: I thought you were gonna go sign up for the Flyers Competition.
Rainbow Dash: Yeah... But that's not for a little while. Hey, you know what we ought to do? We ought to go tour the weather factory. The weather factory's an important part of our world, and we should take a moment to appreciate it.
Fluttershy: I don't really wanna.
Rainbow Dash: Yeah. Me either, I guess.
Fluttershy: Let's go to the sign-up and then lay down—
Rainbow Dash: Oh! You know what we ought to do? We ought to go to the store and buy you Powerdrink! That'll make up for all the salt and stuff you lost sweating over here.
Fluttershy: Do we have time?
Rainbow Dash: Uh, yeah.
Rainbow Dash: Oh, hey! Hey! Check it out! It's one of these mechanical plane things! You remember these? Okay. Put in a quarter bit.
Fluttershy: Dash, I don't want people to stare at us.
Rainbow Dash: Oh, come on. I'm an adult now, and I can have ice cream when I want. And now I really appreciate this mechanical plane on a philosophical level. It's like Pony Sun Tzu used to say – "Kids don't appreciate what they got."
Fluttershy: I don't think Pony Sun Tzu said that.
Rainbow Dash: Put in a quarter bit!
Fluttershy: It says it takes a whole bit.
Rainbow Dash: Nuh-uh! Aw, man! Did money seriously get five times more expensive than when we were kids?
Fluttershy: Well, I heard both Ponyville and Cloudsdale got hit really hard by the employment slump, so prices are going up faster than wages.
Rainbow Dash: Jeesh. You remember the good old days?
Fluttershy: I don't know. I don't remember anything good. Are we gonna get that Powerdrink?
Rainbow Dash: It's probably too expensive.
Fluttershy: Well, okay. I'm sorry. Let's go sign up for the contest.
Rainbow Dash: I remember when I was little, this plane looked so much bigger. And flying felt faster. I think I'm getting old, Fluttershy.
Fluttershy: One day, we'll all be in the ground.
Rainbow Dash: Gosh. There was that time I flew faster than I ever did before. You remember that? I realized that if you fly down, gravity does all the hard work, and then you have to do the harder work, and I flew so fast that BOOM!
Fluttershy: You hit the ground.
Rainbow Dash: But before that though! Remember? There was an explosion.
Fluttershy: I remember that. The doctor said you hit your head really hard.
Rainbow Dash: I flew so fast, I blew up the time barrier! You and me didn't used to have a lot of friends. They used to pick on me and called me slow all the time. But I was, like, the strongest flyer. I could never figure out why they kept saying that.
Fluttershy: You were my only friend. And when you got hurt, your parents called my parents because I was there and your parents knew me. [whispering] I got in trouble.
Rainbow Dash: Well, you came to the hospital and you signed my cast. "Get well soon – no homo."
Fluttershy: There were a lot of rumors about you and Gilda at the time—
Rainbow Dash: Yeah, Gilda signed it too. She drew, like, a stick on a wheel and couldn't stop laughing. Like, she was such a bad artist.
Fluttershy: My parents used to scold me 'cause I wasn't very social. And then I made friends with you and I wasn't really comfortable around anyone else, so... I followed you everywhere. Kinda like now.
Rainbow Dash: Everyone else laughed at that wheel stick too. Poor Gilda. M-My parents weren't happy. They said if she's gonna draw, it should be, like, a nice drawing.
Fluttershy: And the rumors got around, and when your parents called mine, my parents had a really long talk about you and me and they... grounded me and they said, "You can come out when you're normal!" I thought to myself, "I'm gonna be in here for a really long time..."
Rainbow Dash: One of these days, though, I'm gonna fly so fast, I make that explosion again.
Fluttershy: I guess I never really found myself. Like... why do I still follow you around? I moved to Ponyville because I was afraid to be alone. I-I feel like I'm... Never mind. I'm sorry I wrote that on your cast.
Rainbow Dash: Aw. What for? As far as friends go, you're a pretty good "no-homo".
Fluttershy: Um... Well, I appreciate the thought that made those words come out of your mouth.
Rainbow Dash: Oh, hey. Do you want to go to the zoo?
Fluttershy: I think we need to go sign up for the Flyers Competition before it's too late.
Rainbow Dash: Yeah? There's probably a lot of really good flyers in that thing...
Fluttershy: I guess it depends on your relative perspective of "good".
Rainbow Dash: I sure don't get nearly as much practice in Ponyville. I'm the fastest in Ponyville.
Fluttershy: [whispering] Nobody likes competing with you because you're kind of an asshole about it.
Rainbow Dash: What?
Fluttershy: I-I said you don't get a lot of real competition in Ponyville.
Rainbow Dash: Yeah. They do acrobatic stuff in the Flyers Competition. And some ponies are there every year. The Wonderbolts are gonna be watching. You know... um... we probably have time for the zoo. We'll come back and we'll sign up. I read they're getting a new exhibit. At the zoo.
Fluttershy: Sometimes it's better to fail by choice than to stare into the illusion you've created of yourself. There's something there like an uncanny valley. A smoothness of the poise. The cold, distant sparkle in the eyes that you describe as happiness.
Rainbow Dash: Makes me think of Rarity. Man, what if she had wings? She'd be up here and she'd be like, "Look at my tail! And this is my hair! I washed it yesterday! [scoffs] Oh, my God!"
Fluttershy: That hard little point of light pulls you in. And as you feel yourself dissolving, you can't help but wonder if everyone else feels the same way but they're all just better actors than you. How can one pony be such a ridiculous parody of a living creature?!
Rainbow Dash: She'd kiss on all the boy judges, and they'd be all like, "Oh, yeah, that pretty good. Ten out of ten, I guess."
Fluttershy: You were born with wings, but you were never really meant to fly. Everyone is special, but what's special about you is that you're terrible in every conceivable way!
Rainbow Dash: But then her wings would fall off! And I'd fly down and save her! I'd be faster than the Wonderbolts! No, no, even... They'd get knocked out 'cause Rarity punches them when they're falling 'cause she's so scared and she's flailing around! And then the princess would be there and she's like, "Oh, no!" But swoosh! And I save everybody! So... we going to the zoo or what?
Fluttershy: I... am a yellow horse.
Rainbow Dash: Yup. So... the zoo?
Fluttershy: [whispering] Okay.
Rainbow Dash: Cool. It said they're getting a whale. Apparently they finally figured out how to fly it up here and get it in the tank safely.


Episode -15

     
Rarity: Sweetie Belle needs to be in bed by 8PM. I don't know what you want to do with Apple Bloom, but you know how the Apple family is, so she'll probably be up the minute the sun rises. As for Scootaloo, you can just lock her in a closet or a crawlspace. She should be fine.
Fluttershy: Won't Scootaloo's parents be angry?
Rarity: I have been trying to get a hold of her parents ever since she got into my sock drawer. The signs all point to her being an orphan, but she isn't starving. So she must have somewhere she goes if she gets hungry.
Fluttershy: Maybe she just eats the grass outside.
Rarity: Like a primitive animal?! ...Well, I suppose that wouldn't be out of place for her.
Fluttershy: Why does Sweetie Belle insist on being called Thrackerzod?
Rarity: I don't know. She's been doing that for as long as I can remember, and I refuse. It's a stupid nickname. Mom and Dad don't call her that. Nobody calls her that. She's just trying to be special.
Fluttershy: I remember when I was that age. I had a lot of problems—
Rarity: Okay, good, I'm sure you'll be a great babysitter, have fun!
Fluttershy: Rarity?
Rarity: What?!
Fluttershy: Rarity, am I an Element of Harmony?
Rarity: I... don't know. You were there, for whatever the title is worth.
Fluttershy: It's just that... Twilight doesn't seem to think so.
Rarity: Did you try talking to her?
Fluttershy: Yes. But...
Fluttershy: Um... hi, Twilight.
Twilight Sparkle: I'm busy. What do you need?
Fluttershy: I-I just... I-I just wanted to ask you—
Twilight Sparkle: Do you need a book?
Fluttershy: Um... I-I don't know—
Twilight Sparkle: This is a library, so you better not be here if you don't need a book.
Fluttershy: I-I, um... Okay.
Twilight Sparkle: What book do you want?
Fluttershy: I guess one about... u-um... Oh, gosh...
Twilight Sparkle: I said I'm busy! Come on!
Fluttershy: I guess... I-I guess something on... a-a-aminals?!
Twilight Sparkle: On "aminals"?
Fluttershy: O-On animals!
Twilight Sparkle: Like a specific kind of animal?
Fluttershy: And then I started to cry.
Rarity: That's terrible. I have to go now. The kids have been unsupervised for a few minutes, and I think I saw them go inside with a chicken. You might want to deal with that. Goodbye!
[door opens]
Sweetie Belle: Now put the chicken on the symbol.
Fluttershy: Um, excuse me, little ones. What are you doing?
Sweetie Belle: Summoning a friend to entertain during the night's sleepover. As any normal pony would do.
Scootaloo: The night's always better with a group, baby. Hoo!
Fluttershy: Okay. I should really put my foot down. But I also feel like I should be compelled to say how rude it is for you to invite a new friend without consulting the host. You know, when I was your age, I remember the time that I—
Apple Bloom: Miss Fluttershy, may we invite another friend for the sleepover?
[beat]
Fluttershy: Okay.
Sweetie Belle: Good. Place the chicken upon the friendship rune.
Fluttershy: What are you going to do?
Sweetie Belle: We are going to make a phone call. Of sorts. The call has a long distance fee, demanding the sacrifice of an innocence.
Fluttershy: Okay. I feel like I should really put my hoof down again.
Sweetie Belle: There is no such being as Santa!
Fluttershy: Thrackerzod, no!
Sweetie Belle: The world is an inherently unfair place!
Fluttershy: Don't do this! Mrs. Spaghetti isn't ready to hear those things!
Sweetie Belle: Even among your friends, there will be competition! There never was a time when things were better! Everything has always been terrible!
Fluttershy: Thrackerzod, no! You monster!
[fanfare]
Fluttershy: I'm so sorry you had to hear those things, Mrs. Spaghetti! I tried to protect you!
Apple Bloom: So this is your friend? He's a bit, uh... taller than I imagined.
Lord Hastur: [speaking backwards] (Which one of you summoned me? Your hair looks like candy. It smells like a cat box. Somebody provide some context!)
Fluttershy: Well, everything is being rushed and I don't feel very in control. But what's going on is that Rarity asked me to babysit the kids, and I couldn't say no, and within minutes of accepting the job, the three of them summoned a creature into the middle of my house, and yes, there is a litter box. I own a cat. You're really handsome, by the way. I like your robes.
Lord Hastur: (I don't know who Rarity is.)
Sweetie Belle: Lord Hastur, I have summoned you to report my progress with Twilight Sparkle. Also, I thought you might want to play Hungry Hungry Horses. It is best with four players, and Fluttershy is not very good.
Lord Hastur: (Twilight Sparkle has taken the Plateau of Leng. She passed a law stating that all bathrooms must now contain a floral arrangement. It's madness, you can't make a bathroom attractive! We tried appealing to that other horse, she won't get off her ass. There may be an infinite number of universes, but let me tell you - I don't like how this one is going, and I doubt I'd be good at Hungry Horses.)
Fluttershy: No, you'd be better than me. Whenever I play, I hit the pedal too hard, and it makes the balls I already ate bounce out of the horse's mouth, so it's like it's throwing up, and that always reminds me of the time in middle school when I—
Sweetie Belle: I am well aware of Twilight's phenomenal progress. And towards that end, I must report she never agreed to the contract that granted her those formidable powers. And everything is rapidly spiraling out of control.
Fluttershy: I agree. Let's all back up for a moment. I really have to put my foot down. My name is Fluttershy. I'm babysitting tonight. It's very nice to meet you, Mr...
Lord Hastur: (I am Hastur, priest of Yoth Sothoth who holds time and space. I like sheep and sometimes help shepards.[sic] Some call me "the King in Yellow".)
Fluttershy: That's very nice. I'm also yellow.
Apple Bloom: Me too!
Fluttershy: Oh. How nice. So three-fifths of us are yellow. That's really neat. Do you know, do you know fractions yet? If there's five of us in this room and three of us are yellow, we say "three-fifths are yellow".
Sweetie Belle: A-Are you trying to teach math at a children's sleepover?
Apple Bloom: Yeah, that's super lame.
Scootaloo: I say we gossip about lovin'! Fluttershy, who do you like?
Fluttershy: Oh. Well, every time I think about this, I only get so far before I realize I'm gonna die alone.
Apple Bloom: I'm gonna marry Bee Influence. He just got his cutie mark for bees, and I think that'll go real good on the farm.
Scootaloo: That's cool, that's cool. But Scootaloo don't need a ball and chain. Hoo! No. When Scootaloo thinks about balls, she's talkin' about balls out ballin' on a budget and playing ball!
Sweetie Belle: I was hoping you'd have a grip on things. And for the record, I will marry Pretty Face.
Scootaloo: Baby, everybody likes Pretty Face. When you get in that rodeo, you call me, okay? Hoo!
Apple Bloom: Hey, Miss Fluttershy. How come your chicken is named Mrs. Spaghetti?
Fluttershy: Because she's married.
Apple Bloom: That's silly. Who's she married to?
Fluttershy: She's married to Mr. Spaghetti. He's a rooster. All the chickens are married to Mr. Spaghetti. Or else it wouldn't be proper.
Apple Bloom: So are they all named Mrs. Spaghetti?
Fluttershy: Yes.
Apple Bloom: Why's the rooster named Mr. Spaghetti?
Fluttershy: Because I named him that.
Apple Bloom: Well, I'm bored. Y'all want to tear up the house now?
Scootaloo: Baby, I want to tear up a lot of things!
Lord Hastur: (Let's do a differenct[sic] activity...)
Apple Bloom: Oh! Is it a song?
Scootaloo: A bubble bath?
Apple Bloom: Are you gonna pull a tree through the window and help us realize that, by working together, we can overcome adversity?
[TV clicks on]
[TV theme song plays]
Scootaloo: My favorite character's that little kid who can't walk!
Sweetie Belle: Where does that kid live? Five seasons, and we never see his parents.
Fluttershy: Sometimes I worry this will be the death of modern society.
Lord Hastur: (Would you rather they be playing in the woods?)


Episode -16

     
Rarity: Alright, Fluttershy, this is a big break for me. I hope you're taking this absolutely seriously.
Fluttershy: Are you sure I'm the right pony for this?
Rarity: Of course. The "plus size" thing is all the rage right now.
Fluttershy: Plus size?
Rarity: You're a modeling plus size. Face forward!
Fluttershy: Okay. But I'm not very photogenic.
Rarity: It's okay. Photo Finish is a photography expert. Just do what she says and don't throw up like you did in all the yearbook photos.
Fluttershy: Actually, they used the same photo every year.
Rarity: What? That's ridiculous. Why?
Fluttershy: Dash was on the yearbook committee.
[door closes]
Photo Finish: I have come. Is everyone ready?
Rarity: [to Photo Finish] Oh, yes! My friend is ready to go! [to Fluttershy] Alright, Fluttershy. Head up, big smiles, and squeeze your vaginal muscles. Your pupils will dilate, and that'll make you cuter.
Fluttershy: What?
Photo Finish: Okay. We're going to try something experimental. I want you to appear nervous.
[click]
Photo Finish: Yes, good. That is perfection. Done. You are hired forever to be a model.
Fluttershy: I... I what? I think I may have pulled a muscle.
Photo Finish: That is exactly the kind of clueless imperfection I'm looking for. We will send a contract in the mail.
Rarity: Oh, uh, Miss Finish? What exactly did you think of my dresses?
Photo Finish: Mediocrity.
Rarity: I-I'm sorry? I didn't hear you over the shrill ringing in my ears.
Photo Finish: Farewell. Welcome, Rarity's friend, to the moment before greatness.
Rarity: And can you believe that?! She had the gall to take my dresses – my work – and make them look mediocre in front of a major fashion mogul! This is libel!
Twilight Sparkle: It's not libel. If anything, it's like defamation. Although, for a case like that, you'd have to prove that your friend had intent to wreck your reputation, which is nearly impossible to do in court.
Rarity: [laughing] Oh, Twilight. I didn't mean I actually want to drag Fluttershy to court. I'm just a little jealous is all.
Twilight Sparkle: Darn it. Every time you get me thinking we're going somewhere interesting with a conversation, you crash and burn the thing.
Rarity: Oh, my God, who is that on the cover?!
Twilight Sparkle: Some yellow chick in her underwear?
Rarity: That is Fluttershy! Oh, my God! She's on the cover of Sexy Saddles! How the hell?! How'd she get into Sexy Saddles?! I've been sending them saddle designs for years – with me wearing them, no less.
Twilight Sparkle: I'd feel pretty dumb posing ass-first towards a camera.
Rarity: Well, sure you would. But you don't have any sexy qualities.
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, come on. Everybody's got sexy qualities. You just have to wait for the right guy.
Rarity: Who told you that?
Twilight Sparkle: I—
Rarity: You read it on the internet, didn't you?
Twilight Sparkle: It's a thing a lot of ponies say! I-I've seen some ugly ponies get married!
Rarity: To other ugly ponies. Unless they were rich, in which case they married down.
Twilight Sparkle: Okay, I will have you know that, in studies with chimpanzees, a chimp will give up a pouch of juice in exchange for naked pictures of the alpha female.
Rarity: What the hell are you talking about?
Twilight Sparkle: I'm saying an intelligent, confident female leader is highly desirable.
Rarity: Yeah, if you're a lesbian or something. And talk about crashing a conversation. Way to head off into left field, Twilight.
Twilight Sparkle: I am an intelligent horse! And a leader!
Rarity: You don't even know how to style your hair.
Twilight Sparkle: It doesn't matter! I'm intelligent! And built for leading stuff!
Rarity: You couldn't lead a band.
Twilight Sparkle: A band is, like, a hundred ponies! That's pretty hard to lead... for a beginner! I'm-I'm a royal protege! I have a large library! I can read book! I mean, books!
Rarity: Sounds like you couldn't talk your way into bed.
Twilight Sparkle: I could!
Rarity: By convincing the guy that you're dumb enough to be easy.
Twilight Sparkle: That is still a valid strategy if you're doing it on purpose!
Rarity: Okay, let's get back to the main topic. Fluttershy is a goddamn whore.
Twilight Sparkle: You're a goddamn whore!
Rarity: Okay, lay off. If you're so brilliant, prove it.
Photo Finish: You're doing great, Fluttershy. You're becoming fantastically wealthy and everyone loves you.
Fluttershy: I feel miserable and I hate my job.
Photo Finish: Perfect. That is the favorite part.
Fluttershy: Also, I feel really awkward posing ass-first all the time. It makes me so self-conscious.
Photo Finish: That part is also the favorite.
Fluttershy: When can I quit this job? It's incredibly stressful and I worry all my pets are dying without me.
Photo Finish: Your contract expires in forever less one day. It's perfectly legal. But if it makes you feel any better, we've opened an animal shelter under your name in every major city in Equestria.
Fluttershy: Really? Oh. M-Maybe I could tough it out for a little longer then.
Photo Finish: That's the spirit. Let the industry consume you!
[door opens]
Twilight Sparkle: Hey. I'm here to ruin your day.
Fluttershy: What's this?
Twilight Sparkle: It's a court summons. I'm suing you on behalf of Rarity for defamation, copyright infringement, trademark dilution, and a whole slew of other pointless crap.
Photo Finish: This is absurdity! You'll never win the case!
Twilight Sparkle: My objective isn't to win. My objective is to meet a guy and get married. Or something. I've been drinking and I spent all day working on this paperwork, so it's sure as hell not going to waste.
Fluttershy: Twilight, I-I don't understand. I'm rich now. I don't know what I did wrong, but I can just pay you.
Twilight Sparkle: Nope. I'm suing you for damages to Rarity's business. Which, in my estimate, has a net worth of twelve cents.
Fluttershy: Maybe I can strike a deal with Rarity? Now that I'm famous, I could endorse her store.
Twilight Sparkle: Absolutely not! As acting legal counsel, I believe the best course of action is to ruin your career by dragging you through the mud and obliterating your reputation. Your dad has been convicted for, like, six felonies. Good lord.
Fluttershy: I think he means well. He just doesn't know how to express himself.
Photo Finish: Well, Fluttershy, if your reputation is going to be destroyed, I can no longer associate you with my brand. I suppose we can agree to terminate your contract. You were unhappy, were you not?
Fluttershy: I... I-I-I don't think that I was happy, no.
Twilight Sparkle: Yup. Looks like Rarity is proved wrong. I am a desirable waifu.
Fluttershy: I-I'm so confused. T-Thank you, Twilight, for saving me from this career I didn't want.


Episode -17

     
Pinkie Pie: [narrating] There are fifteen hundred and sixty-six ponises in Ponisville, and each has the birthday consisting of eight figures. Pinkie Pie has remembered those eight figures for all of them. Not only does she know this, but she recalls each of their names with immediate precision. Yes. She knows who is expecting children, who lost their jobs, and who has a blister the size of the candied yam. Not only that, but Pinkie knows their schedules. Some of them are as predictable as clockwork. Yes. And it is they who are the most dangerous. They plod around town, seemingly minds blank, but Pinkie knows them. Their roads let them slip deep within themselves, where they scheme, where they plot against Pinkie! Yes. And this one is the most devious of all. At precisely 3:04PM, she comes to Pinkie seeking the marshmallow vodka.
Twilight Sparkle: No. Listen. I don't have time for this. I don't want marshmallow vodka. I need whiskey and some cherries!
Pinkie Pie: Oh, you would like the cherries, yes. Perhaps Twilight will come back and help Pinkie find the cherries.
Twilight Sparkle: You don't understand! The Gala is next week, and I-I have this terrible feeling like I was supposed to be in class all year, but I-I never once attended anything and I didn't study. And oh, my God, I'm not wearing pants! ...Oh, wait.
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie knows just what to do when you are not wearing pants. Yes. Throw the party! No pants ponis party! Yes!
Twilight Sparkle: I don't have time for that. All I have time for is drinking. How do you even cram for a friendship quiz? Pinkie, quick! What is your favorite color?
Pinkie Pie: Pink.
Twilight Sparkle: Alright, that's... that figures. Just give me some whiskey.
Pinkie Pie: Will Twilight pay in bits or favors? Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: Bits. No, wait. I want to save bits. What's the favor?
Pinkie Pie: Today, Pinkie wishes for the second birthday party for Gummy. Yes. You will attend and Pinkie will give you the marshmallow vodkas.
Twilight Sparkle: I just told you, I don't have time. I've gotta study for friendship.
Pinkie Pie: But you are studying for friendship th—
Twilight Sparkle: Ah. Give me the vodka, I'll give you the money, you don't give me any lip. If you want a party friend, go bug Rainbow Dash.
Pinkie Pie: Hello, Cannot-Hold-Her-Liquor-Throws-Up-On-Pinkie's-Floor Rainbow Dash.
Rainbow Dash: Hey, Pinkie. I'm having a really bad day today.
Pinkie Pie: Oh. Pinkie would be upset too if she did not have the party tonight. But thankfully, Pinkie has a solution. Yes. She is throwing a party!
Rainbow Dash: Oh. That's good, but I think I might've misplaced my house.
Pinkie Pie: Do you wish to accompany Pinkie Pie's party? The theme is to be a ponis and do not wear pants. Yes. Also, it is Gummy's day-after-Gummy's-birthday party.
Rainbow Dash: Uh... I-I can't. I have a mortgage on my house. I mean, the bank told me it would be okay, but then I spent the money on Jokey Toffee 'cause I thought I'd prove that money could buy happiness. But then it turned out the jokes in Jokey Toffee aren't very good. And the wind picked up, and now my house is gone, and I'm in debt up to my eyeballs, and I'm kind of freaking out!
Pinkie Pie: Oh. Yes. Pinkie wrote for Jokey Toffee. Dash, what do you call a bonehead who can't do magic?
Rainbow Dash: Pinkie! My mom said not to say that! It's a slur!
Pinkie Pie: Glue! Yes. [laughing] Jokey Toffee watered that one down a bit.
Rainbow Dash: Oh, my gosh, they're gonna send you to Hades! My uncle used to say stuff like that, and he had a tattoo, and that's where they sent him!
Pinkie Pie: [scoffs] It's fine. Pinkie knows two unicorn friends. They are filth. Yes. They should not be allowed to play in ponis-ball!
Rainbow Dash: Well, I gotta look for my house, okay? Don't let the police know you said the "B-head" word.
Pinkie Pie: Are you coming to Pinkie's party? Yes?
Rainbow Dash: No, I-I gotta find my house. And I threw up last time, remember? Next time, Pinkie. Maybe Applejack wants to go.
Applejack: Honestly, Pinkie, I'd like to say that I want to go.
Pinkie Pie: What does Applejack mean she wants to say she wants to go?
Applejack: I mean I say I want to say that I want to go, but I don't want to say I don't want to go.
Pinkie Pie: No. You cannot say that you can't say that you want to go if you want to go. If you want to go, you would just say you want to go.
Applejack: Yeah, I know. But I didn't say I want to go. I said I want to say I want to, but I gotta say I can't say I want to go. 'Cause I can't say for sure that I want to, so it'd be wrong to say that I said I wanted to go. And I didn't say I wanted to go, but that is what I'm saying.
Pinkie Pie: Okay. S-So... you want to go? Yes.
Applejack: No, I just said I don't want to go—
Pinkie Pie: You could've said that a half hour ago! Yes!
Applejack: Well, I didn't want to say somethin' rude, but you just kept on pushin'! This is what you do, Pinkie. You push. You push and you push, and pretty soon you've given birth to an awkward situation.
Pinkie Pie: Why did you entice Pinkie to your farm with potential reality?! Yes! You led Pinkie on, you creamsicle hussy!
Applejack: I didn't lead nobody on! I gotta fix the lawnmower, and that's the darn honest truth.
Pinkie Pie: How come nobody keeps Pinkie informed about their unavailability?! Pinkie bought streamers!
Applejack: I'm not gonna do your party, Pinkie. Maybe Rarity wants to go. She's all societal-like.
Pinkie Pie: So you'll go to Pinkie's Gummy's second party for Gummy's birthday?
Rarity: I guess.
Pinkie Pie: Really? Yes? Even though Pinkie called you all those terrible things?
Rarity: When was this?
Pinkie Pie: It was right after Applejack reminded Pinkie that you existed. Yes.
Rarity: Well, I don't have anything better to do tonight. Will there at least be boys this time around? Your parties are always such a clambake.
Pinkie Pie: It is the theme of the ponis. Yes. Pants are forbidden!
Rarity: Oh. Well, if clothes are forbidden, then I don't want to go.
Pinkie Pie: You dare pressure the sanctity of Pinkie's theme?!
Rarity: No. I mean I'm just not going. What's the point of throwing these nightly social gatherings for the six of us anyway? I can't network. You got me over my lesbian phase, so we're not going anywhere with that. And to be frank, I've got to trim the fur on Opal's rear end. Honestly, I was having a debate between that and your party, but no clothes, no service.
Pinkie Pie: What if Pinkie trims your Opal for you? Yes.
Rarity: There is no way I'm trusting you with Opal and a pair of scissors again.
Pinkie Pie: "Battle Cats" could've been the national phenomenon, Rarity! Yes! There would've been toys, Rarity! Toys!
Rarity: You can't just do random, stupid things for the sake of toys, Pinkie.
Pinkie Pie: The toys would fund future development into more Opal-related exploitation! We could make dolls where you stick rainbow stickers upon the cat. Battle Cats would be both adorable and visceral! It appeals to all genders.
Rarity: You know what appeals to all genders? You getting the hell out of my boutique.
Pinkie Pie: That is okay. It is fine. Pinkie does not need the ponis for the ponis-themed party. Pinkie will be the pantsless one alone! Yes! The flour bag is now the ponis! So, flour bag, how does it feel to be given eternal life through Pinkie's imagination?
Flour bag: Most ungrateful, Pinkie. The flour bag wishes only to sell dresses and will not befriend those without the mercenary inklings!
Pinkie Pie: Oh. Perhaps Pinkie will purchase your dress to earn the trust. Yes.
Flour bag: You cannot afford the flour bag's dresses, Pinkie. You are the cashier earning the minimum of wage. You survive by scraping the poppy seeds from the muffins and eating them surreptitiously!
Pinkie Pie: Flour bag! How dare you come to Pinkie's Gummy's second birthday party for Gummy and slander her good name!
[suspenseful music]
Rainbow Dash: Hey, Pinkie! Guess what? I found my house and a wandering homeless guy paid off my mortgage! It's a Hearth's Warming miracle and it's not even Hearth's Warming!
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie has stabbed Rarity. Help Pinkie dispose of the remains.
Rainbow Dash: Huh. One of those nights again, huh? Okay. You get the acid, I'll get the gorilla suit and the shovel.


Episode -18

     
Rarity: Well, that could've gone better.
Twilight Sparkle: You think?!
Applejack: I can't believe I'm bein' investigated 'cause of a simple grease fire.
Twilight Sparkle: They told you over and over again to take your food cart out of there, but all you did was push it to somewhere else on the palace grounds.
Applejack: They were hasslin' me and I couldn't make a darn sale. I tell ya, when the rich turn down real home cookin', you know they're out of touch. A grease fire happens. I'm not the one who sprayed it with a hose.
Rarity: Tickets cost four thousand bits and there was free catering.
Applejack: I assumed everyone had money to spare a hard-workin' pony! I didn't think I'd leave with a four-digit health and safety fine!
Twilight Sparkle: Well, it was fair. You were leaking propane all over the place and you were a hazard.
Pinkie Pie: Yes. Shame for starting the fire, AJ.
Applejack: The rich don't know how to react to a grease fire! They're out of touch, I tell ya!
Twilight Sparkle: There shouldn't have been grease! There shouldn't have been a fire!
Rarity: Where were you anyway, Twilight? We could've used your help.
Twilight Sparkle: I was with Dash and Celestia.
Rainbow Dash: Oh, my gosh, you were so mean. The fire came in and I tried to run away, but you held me still and kept talking about my health insurance.
Twilight Sparkle: Alright, listen. The insurance companies are paying for the cost of medical care, see? The real regulatory body needs to be focused on—
Rarity: Okay, we get it, "Captain Snooze"!
Rainbow Dash: I got an autograph from all the Wonderbolts though. See here? "To the element of royalty."
Applejack: Y'all are the element of loyalty, Dash.
Rainbow Dash: U-Uh... Aw, man! Are you seriously?!
Applejack: Yup. You're loyalty.
Rainbow Dash: Man! I forgot! It never comes up! I've been writing "element of royalty" on all my checks!
Rarity: Speaking of royalty, did you all know that Blueblood was gay?
Twilight Sparkle: Yeah.
Rainbow Dash: Blueblood? You mean the insurance guy?
Rarity: [sarcastic] Yes, the the insurance guy. No, the prince!
Twilight Sparkle: Actually, he does own an insurance company. He insures a lot of government property.
Rarity: So he was gay and an insurance guy? Oh, my God, ponies can't just do this. Where was his gay mustache?
Twilight Sparkle: His what?
Pinkie Pie: Gay ponises do not wear the badge so you know them, Rarity. Yes. They strike from the shadows. It is there that Pinkie is most powerful!
Rarity: Yes, they do. And I always wondered why you don't wear flannel.
Pinkie Pie: Because Pinkie does not look good in flannel. Yes. Why would she wear flannel?
Rarity: Lesbians always wear flannel. This is why you're single. You don't know the language of fashion.
Rainbow Dash: Spitfire had flannel PJ's. Man, she's gonna be so confused. I went to her hotel for an hour and I told her I was the element of royalty.
Applejack: Thing is, I just don't understand how that propane started a fire in the main hall. I never took my cart in there.
Pinkie Pie: That is because...! B-Because... you! You are irresponsible! Yes.
[beat]
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie is innocent!
Rarity: Pinkie... what did you do during the Gala?
Pinkie Pie: Nothing. Yes.
Rarity: Nothing?
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie danced the Pony Pokey. Yes.
Rarity: At the Grand Galloping Gala?
Pinkie Pie: Yes.
Rarity: You spent four thousand bits to dance the Pony Pokey at the Grand Galloping Gala?
Applejack: She didn't have to pay. Twilight gave her a ticket.
Twilight Sparkle: No, I didn't.
Applejack: Yeah, you did. I remember me and Dash were there... Wait. Pinkie, did you buy a Gala ticket?
Pinkie Pie: Pinkie snuck past the guards. Yes.
Twilight Sparkle: Not past Celestia's royal guard, you didn't. The tickets are magical and they sweep the place throughout the night.
Pinkie Pie: This is profiling! Yes! Where do these questions come from? Probably the yellow one caused the fire!
Fluttershy: [slurring] I hate all of you!
Pinkie Pie: See? She is drunk with shame! She has pulled the wool to your eyes! Yes!
Fluttershy: [slurring] I hate all of you!
Rarity: So... somebody gave Pinkie a Gala ticket.
Pinkie Pie: No. No. Pinkie is a licensed pyrotechnician. Yes. Accelerants are Pinkie's craft. Also, also, she did not start the fire. Pinkie was acting independently. Yes.
Applejack: Well, who would want to hire an arsonist – and also Pinkie Pie – to burn down a section of the royal castle?
Rainbow Dash: Probably that insurance guy.
Rarity: Blueblood? No, he sells insurance, dear, so he doesn't get money if he has to pay for damages.
Rainbow Dash: He was saying his company insures the castle, and he's one of the stakeholders 'cause he trusts the insurance so much.
Twilight Sparkle: You were actually paying attention to that?
Rainbow Dash: Duh. I asked him, so I had to listen. Plus, for a long time I thought he was a doctor, and I thought I'd get a lollipop if I was a good girl. I didn't get a lollipop though, so obviously he's the bad guy.
Rarity: Come to think, he did keep trying to get me to go wait in the main hall. Even after the fire had started. He must've known something.
Applejack: So that's it! It all makes sense now! Blueblood hired Pinkie Pie to sabotage the Gala so he could collect on the insurance money! Darn it, that scum! But the only question now is how did he cause the grease fire on my cart?
Twilight Sparkle: Maybe he didn't actually cause the grease fire.
Applejack: It's the only logical explanation, Twilight! And it fits so perfectly in with his diabolical little scheme to frame me for his crime! This totally invalidates that fine I was given!
Twilight Sparkle: Or maybe you're a clumsy mudpony who shouldn't be operating scalding grease cookers with your face.
Rarity: Then we've cracked it! Blueblood staged the fire and Applejack is a clumsy mudpony!
Applejack: Well, he... he could've sabotaged me. I don't think we should rule that out.
Rarity: We really should notify the authorities.
Applejack: Wait, who are the authorities? Blueblood is royalty, ain't he?
Rarity: Well, the princess, surely.
[beat]
Rarity: Dash, did the princess have an insurance policy on the castle?
Rainbow Dash: A big one!
Twilight Sparkle: She also hates the Gala.
Rarity: Oh. Well. Good work, team. We cracked the caper.
Twilight Sparkle: And now let's never speak of it again.


Episode -19

     


Episode -20

     

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